To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Definitely this. Get all the attention/sympathy it will drive her mad!!

Have a word with yourself and then read the post that clearly shows her DH backs her up anyway.

Unbelievable. I think DH needs to tell her of this ever happens again she won’t be able to come to the house. She should never be unsupervised! Poor you.

You have my sympathy, similar situation, even when told specifically to not touch / help / assist with xyz, she will, and she has a bloody key to our house and comes round when we are out.

I was at work recently and was being sent photos and live action updates of something I had said needed to be left alone. I rang my husband and told him, he called and texted her to say no no no! The replies were along the lines of "I need something to keep me busy, can't stand to see things out of place, I like helping, I've done it now, here's a photo". The result was an expensive item being broken and a pet got injured, but it was all "oops, was only helping!, you shouldn't leave things in a mess!"

Not to mention all the crap that we've already said we don't want that gets dumped in our living room / fridge / garden that I then have to find space for in the bin. Here is a list:

His dad's clothes (RIP 2016, aged 83)
Old suitcases, the long flat ones with wheels at one end
Magazines
Newspapers
Old toiletries, opened and tested
Frayed towels
Oranged tupperware
Funny looking lumps from the deep freezer
Opened packets of bacon
Frozen quiches

FUUUUUUCK.

I’m astonished she’s still alive.

Yep, this.

The fact she was saying "now don't be angry with me" shows that she KNOWS FULL WELL she's done something you won't like.

My MIL is always cleaning when she comes round ours btw. I bloody love it. Me and DH both tend towards the lazy side, plus we've got a toddler and a baby, so we really need the help and it's a godsend. She often puts things where we wouldn't normally put them, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'm just saying that, because what your MIL does is ABSOLUTELY NOT the same. It sounds like she's deliberately doing it to rile you up.

That said, a lot of older people really do need to feel needed... Maybe you could think of jobs she can do when she comes over, to keep her occupied..? "Here MIL, here's the laundry, get cracking".

My mother varnished our quarry tiles when we were on holiday because she preferred them shiny. We lay them because they were Matt.
I had to remove it with a toothbrush working on one tile at a time. A total of 60m2.

She meant well but can’t quite understand it’s not her house. Although I really appreciated the cleaning 😀

We asked for the keys back. Suggest you do the same OP

The whole situation sounds incredibly stressful - but this part is hilarious. Of course the cat doesn't bloody like her. She probably ignores the cats boundaries too. Cats don't do boundary stompers... and they are spectacularly unmoved by emotional manipulation.

OP I think not responding for now is very wise, until you and your husband know how you want to move forward. I would be arguing very strongly for her just not to be allowed at your home any more. All this talk of her not being there unsupervised just begs the question - who is going to do the supervising? Are you supposed to be inside babysitting her while your husband and FIL are in the garage? Will she even listen if you tell her to leave something alone?

I would suggest your DH sends her one flat, unemotional message.
"Mum, due to your repeated behaviour of interference with our house, garden, and pets - against our clearly expressed wishes - you are no longer welcome on our property. This decision is final and we will not be discussing it with you or with anyone else. We will give everyone some time to settle down, then get in touch in a few weeks to see if you want to meet somewhere for lunch."

She's going to hit the roof. She's going to call in her band of brothers. Even FIL is going to be on your case - because she's going to drive him batty. DO NOT ENTER THOSE CONVERSATIONS. Be prepared with a simple "the decision is made and not up for discussion". If they push, you hang up.

You have tried all the normal, kind things that work with people who have even a smidge of respect & self-awareness. That hasn't worked. None of that is your fault but this won't get better unless you make it better.

Keep ignoring, OP. She's getting wound up at the lack of response.

And she clearly didn't try to put everything back. She's lying, and she knows she's done wrong. She did it deliberately. It's not up to you to text her and reassure her. Just don't answer.

Sounds like my mum tbh! She does this stuff in my house and I'm her daughter! I've tried telling her not to, telling her off and all sorts but have given up - as has DP.

Before she comes we now write a list of 'things' she can 'help' with (to keep us on track) examples below!

We have a pile of clothes that need mending or taking up, the laundry needs folding, she loves cooking so we give her this to do.

We ask like she's doing us a favour, for example no one can mend clothes as well as her.
Or we are so busy so the basket of clothes has got out of hand.
Or wouldn't be amazing if someone could batch cook us some meals.... simple like spaghetti or lasagna.

Last time it worked.... far better than the tears or the drama of her doing stuff she shouldn't 😂

Such a shame your phone isn't working and the internet connection has gone down at the same time. Unfortunate timing.

Surely now is a good time for DH (rather than you), to agree a face-to-face sit down with his mum, to explain that the anger is because you are both asking her to not clean, or get involved and she is going against you. That you’re setting boundaries and she is knowingly crossing them and when you are angry about this, she is dragging her brothers into the conversation.

Then DH can ask her a bunch of questions, so that she ends up defending herself, along the lines of:

Why are you cleaning the house when we’ve asked you not to?

Why are you feeding the dog when we’re asking you not to?

As she tries to defend herself, she may start to realise how in the wrong she is, if DH doesn’t let her get away with crying it out.

If she does just play the victim, DH could do the old, “do you need a brief pause to calm down?” Or “well at least I tried to talk to you about it, Mum”.

Tell her the vet needs to know now exactly what she put in it as the dog has died.
Or just continue to ignore.

How long did it take to re-grow the wild flower meadow she destroyed? Or earn the money to replace the ironed items that were not wearable after she had done "helping" with them?

This is not being helpful, this is being destructive.

I think you’re totally overreacting, is it really worth being so stressed about it, how long did it take to put your room back in order, five minutes?
She obviously wants to help and feel needed, show a little kindness!

There is an anti-crime called "Breaking and Decorating" which might appeal to you if you have a key to their house.

Ideally (if it is Revenge Decorating rather than mere Busybodying) this would involve formal-floral dark red and gold flock wallpaper such as is found in 1950s saloon bars, and loud carpet with a very large pattern repeat that doesn't in any way go with the wallpaper (extra marks if you can find a check carpet, otherwise floral of a different sort is good), and swag crimplene curtains and pelmet in a different unmatching colour and a different floral pattern. Dark green woodwork, or woodwork painted to look like either leather or wood.

And all of it really good quality so that it would be terribly wasteful to get rid of it.

I think this is a good way to go.

Block her and when dh brings it up just say, calmly, that you won’t engage with her until she can bring her behavior within normal bounds. If she does bring the flying monkeys (the uncles) just hang up on them. You really can’t win, the best thing is to disengage.

@GelatinousDynamo 😂😂 she is batshit, deff trying to wind you up. Ignoring her is driving her crazy.

@Easipeelerie has it right. Think how peaceful it would be never to have her darken your doorstep again... no more mind games, no more territorial pissings...

As so many other people have said, she loves the drama, and she's sneaky - 'helping' someone by cleaning their house, what could be nicer, right, how unreaaaasonable you are... And she's telling everyone because she needs an audience, a team. They will be on her side for a quiet life. She's trying to get you to break cover with the texts just so she can take aim at you again.

Starve the drama - I know, it's easy to say 'go no contact', harder to do... but if you have to play a game with her, let it be to starve the drama, because drama is her weapon of choice, she's a master at it. Let yours be a steely calm and implacable determination with a glint of humour to keep your spirits up, because it sounds like that's what you're good at!

Ooh, I've just read that back and it sounds so militant, but this sort of imposition gives me the dry boaks, so it does... 😠 The wildflowers alone... 🤬

There has been an insane amount of MIL topics on here, lately.

I would be fuming too. My MiL has (without invitation) re-organised my cupboards and drawers. The second time she did it I was firm-ish though eg “please don’t, I can’t find anything where I left it”. She had the cheek to say she couldn’t find anything either, that’s why she did it - erm what?! It’s my house not yours!

If she was as bad as your MiL I wouldn’t let her come round anymore. It’s so rude. You have my sympathies OP!

I agree that not rising to it is the best policy.

Just reply, ‘Sorry I haven’t seen the food as I was too busy sorting the living room out. Also I think you left a photo frame behind today by mistake, I’ll pop it in the post tomorrow.’