To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Exactly. Messaging her to tell her she's banned is just feeding the hungry Attention Beast. I doubt your DH is going to want to be that inflammatory anyway.

But you can keep her out of the house forever by strategically being unavailable/changing plans at the last minute/organising catch ups elsewhere. No drama, plausible deniability if asked directly 'no of COURSE you're not banned mum, it's just that the toilet's not flushing properly/we've got covid/ there's a new pub we really want to try.'

I was fully prepared to read this post and reply omg lighten up Becky, but then I actually read it and she’s being a manipulative witch.
I really would throw out the frame she bought and put all photos of her away in an album, not saying anything. She wants to goad you into a fight so she can complain to family, ignore her and ffs don’t let her into your home when you or your husband aren’t there to supervise her childish antics.

For what she did to your wildflowers she would not be welcome on my property again. Killing living things. Vandalism, and evil. She sounds horrific. Ban her.

The line has been crossed several times in the past and she has been asked not to do stuff like this. It’s clear she knows she shouldn’t be doing it. If simply telling her that “help” isn’t wanted worked, she wouldn’t have done it this time! Doing the same thing and over and expecting a different result is just plain dumb.

This has had me nearly crying with laughter.

You are NBU. My MIL used to do this (before we went non-contact), and it felt like a bit of a violation. She'd ostentatiously draw attention to some random neglected bit of the house (think skirting boards or door frames), and tell us how difficult they were to clean. DH told her to stop and then he'd get the ''boohoo, I'm only trying to help''. Ah MIL, her house sparkled but her soul was as dark as a coal miners boot.

She also kept giving us her random household shit. I used to dread her visits because she'd open her car boot and there'd be bags of crap like 1970s teacups and saucers, or small casserole dishes that were absolutely no use for a growing family. She'd say ''just donate them to the charity shop if you don't want them''. I eventually found my spine, declined them and when told I could donate them, I said, yes that's a good idea, you donate them to charity if you don't want them.

If I ever have a DIL (or even a Son-IL), I'll offer to do some cleaning if they need the help, for example after having a baby. I wouldn't go in off my own bat and scrub, I hate tidying my own home but it's a necessary evil.

How do you not get what has happened here?!

Post it and don't reply to texts. The longer you respond to what ever game she's playing, the more she will continue.

I thought that she must have come prepared to do the whole thing, because otherwise how did she randomly have the photo. And WHY did she have to cover up your photo of your parents with one of her?

She could have just handed it to you like an adult but instead chose to sneak it in and place it whilst you were out, replacing your own parent's photo. That's just nuts.

But it's also very deliberate. Especially following mowing down your wildflowers. Calculated Vandalism and then acting the victim to the rest of the family.

Do you care if the Uncles tell you off?

You could start the “poor Mil I think she might be getting dementia, she thought my house was hers and she moved things about. I’m really worried about her as she doesn’t seem to realise it’s not her house”.
I hate to misuse dementia as it’s an awful disease but sometimes you have to hit below the belt.

Without one shadow of a doubt I'd be at her house the next time she's out and I
would switch entire rooms-for instance kitchen with bedroom lounge with bedroom-I'd empty drawers and cabinets and even the medication chest would be moved to a kitchen drawer. Pictures hung in the opposing rooms, the whole nine yards. Act confused when she asks you why or expresses any annoyance by saying you 'only meant to help'

My MIL has a similar base-thread. She actually has had a traumatic past which has only recently come to light.

That may or may not be the case here whatevs, imo you need to work on your own reaction to 50% of her actions, they wouldn't be an issue for me. The other 50% are annoying but that's life.

@itsawayaway I'm so sorry for you but glad it's peaceful.

My mother in law came to visit our house and immediately tried to rearrange our kitchen cupboards.

We both shouted "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THIS ISN'T YOUR HOUSE, STOP, DO NOT MESS WITH OUR STUFF!"

Why on earth do some people think it's ok to invade others' spaces like that!

You just have to both absolutely come down on her like a ton of bricks.

Keep up with the silence - Do you think she’d be smart enough to notice if you blocked her?
I have a few ideas for you.
Get DH to let her know that if she continues to try and mark her territory at your place, she will find herself donated to a cat shelter far, far away. (Or you may come over and pee on her carpet and see how she likes it…)
Another idea would be to find some random photos of aesthetically-challenged people, frame them (hideous frames compulsory) and get DH to mix them in with her photos at home.
OOOOOH! Depending how old you are, get a pregnant woman’s ultrasound photos and stick it to the fridge at your place and see what she does if she finds her way into your place again.

Yes!

Continue to ignore and enjoy imagining how much she will hate looking at her phone to see zero response from you

Haven’t read all the replies but I LOVE the suggestion of confronting her with the ‘I can see you are struggling with boundaries and I’m becoming concerned’ approach! She 1000% knows what she’s doing and is deliberately trying to wind you up. I would get DH on board and then confront her like this in front of DFIL too. Even suggest she may have dementia as she continually ignores your requests not to interfere and you both think it’s best she gets some tests as her behaviour is concerning you. She will HATE it and it doesn’t make you look angry/ resentful.
for what it’s worth, I’d have steam coming out my ears if my MIL did this. Thankfully, the in-laws are far too interested in DSILs family to give us anywhere near that amount of attention. Sending you strength OP!

I think MiL is the one doing the relationship destroying.

You literally can't do anything with these kind of people.

My mother is one.

She once parked four square wheels on the pavement outside my house because she couldn't get on my drive (there was space, she just can't park).

I begged her to move the car (I couldn't move it myself at the time, I hadn't learned to drive at that point) and she scoffed and laughed at me.

The following morning a neighbour had left a note on the car stating that it made it unsafe for anyone to walk down our close.

Forever more my mother warned everyone about our 'difficult neighbous' and how they got very particular about parking.

You cannot win with these people.

(I've had no contact with my mother for 8 years now, not over parking but over other stuff, and while it's been painful it's been BLISS not having to contend with this kind of nonsense).

@PaperDoIIs "At the moment you're fulfilling her need for drama. Stop feeding the monster"

How so please?

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

Yes!! This!

This, sure the mil crossed the line if it stops now move on

Nothing worse than a mil husband wife batte no one wins and if it appears one feels they do does it really make that person happy?

I hated this too one of the bonus of divorce was getting rid of my lovely MIL who took it upon herself while I was in hospital for a few days with a sick baby to rewash all my washing using so much washing powder it was like it was STARCHED unfortunately my then husband was mommy's bestest solider and she could do no wrong! I had to rewash the clothes several times and because he was being such a cunt I didn't rewash his and told him how ungrateful he was everytime he whined his clothing itched (because that's what he told me when I complained)

She scrubbed the numbers off the baby bottles rearranged my kitchen cupboards and drawers put the dishwasher on daily after ex had breakfast so ONE bowl ONE mug and TWO spoons on the hottest wash possible then she would rewash and sterilise the bottles (the baby and I were IN HOSPITAL the bottles at home were clean btw) by the time I returned she had used a months worth of gas and electric about two months worth of powder and washing up liquid damaged the steam steriliser I was gone for less than a week

Anyway we are divorced now

@Wokkadema You have literally described both of my cats 🤣🤣 they let me know clearly when they've had enough play, love and attention and wanna be left alone but they don't respect my boundaries I've tripped over them so many times I don't know how I haven't had a serious injury!

I agree with you I think the cat favours FIL because FIL respects the boundaries MIL was probably not leaving the poor thing alone I bet she got a lot of scratches before she lost interest.

If the OP has children I bet she's obsessive and tries to take over and compete's with the OP for their love by spoiling them.