To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Also expect them to come around; that's a classic narc threat actually. Get ready for "I'm coming around".

This is of course more drama. Be out.

And this is why retirement is not the joy its cracked up to be.shes bored.

Putting a photo of herself in front of the one of your parents is not someone trying to help. It’s someone making a statement and marking territory in your house. She must have brought that photo over with the intention of doing that.

Spot on.

She'll be piddling up the chair legs next

And I'd post that to her, badly wrapped if it's got glass in the frame. No note.

I'd do this, too.

Or just stick it in the bin. Or is there a charity shop she frequents that you could donate it to - she might see it for sale.

I feel sorry for her, she's told her son she wants to feel needed!

Give her a job you don't care about it or a made up one and then thank her profusely for it, she'll be thrilled! I give jobs to my MIL all the time. She does not like me at all but she loves to tell DH she's done the job that needed doing that I couldn't manage lol!!!

Tbh if she is a narc then any reaction at all is okay. Positive or negative.

All you can do with people like this is starve the drama. Do not respond.

You can always tell with them because if you do give any response, you get many messages back. Escalating the communication or trying to provoke response.

Pity her. Don't respond. And really, think about changing the locks. I'd say no more home invites that involve her.

If she must play this game, get her to play it with someone else.

I'll bet she's going through private drawers and reading personal correspondence, too.

She obviously has nor boundaries.

I hope your DH hasn't caved, because it's a bare-faced lie and you both know it. How can she claim to have tried to put everything in back in place after telling him she'd moved the armchair "for better afternoon light"?

If it is the case she is looking for the reaction so she can enjoy the resulting drama and sympathy, you can give her that, but she hasn't actually done anything you find actually inconvenient. Sounds a bit exhausting but might be worth it to protect things you actually care about?

Agree with this- it will also serve as an interesting "test" to confirm in your mind if it is deliberate. If she switches to moving things about that she thinks upsets you (because you've pretended to make them a big deal) then you'll know without a doubt its deliberately to upset you

You're dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder which is very unfortunate. It looks like you have reached the limit of your ability to tolerate it.

I'm afraid there is no solution that will fix her. The only way to deal with it is to cut off contact. I assume that isn't an option as it will create more problems than it solves. So I'm afraid it needs to be damage limitation, much as you have already done.

One tactic you could try is attempting to direct her attention to something you find much less annoying, and pretend to be apoplectic about it. I can't think of an example but say oh I don't know. Cleaning the car? Or God knows. Something totally unrelated to cleaning maybe.

If it is the case she is looking for the reaction so she can enjoy the resulting drama and sympathy, you can give her that, but she hasn't actually done anything you find actually inconvenient. Sounds a bit exhausting but might be worth it to protect things you actually care about?

So a period of complete nonchalance about things she does that give you rage, but total overreaction to really small things you don't care about. See if it changes her focus on to those small things and away from the big things?

If this isn't the cause then she had a mental health issue akin to hoarding and unlikely you will ever stop her from doing it. Given she doesn't appear to do this to anyone else in the family? I think it's likely you are the target because of your reaction. This I suspect because you have rattled her with the silent response this time.

I appreciate you are trying to ignore her but I would be soooo tempted to text her and say 'there was no food sorry so don't know what you mean. Forgive brevity of text but it's cleaning day and my lounge is such a state I need to crack on so we can enjoy it this weekend. Take care.' If she replies with 'but I cleaned one' then I would say 'good one can't wait till your April fools joke'.

I have similar issues with my MiL and I just ignore. My DH is now under strict instructions that its his problem and he has to stop any nonsense. The in laws also stay in a hotel when they come. Sounds harsh but no one gets how much of a ridiculous nightmare it becomes....like you we had clothes ruined, things go missing as they thrown away when 'tidied' up e.g the garage door fob. Personally I think it is / was a worrying sign but again her family fully support her 'kindness' so I give up thinking kindly of it.

@Emotionalsupportviper bloody hell- thats absolutely horrific. I am so so sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately, these people will never change- the narcism is a core part of their personalities so the only way to handle it is to go no contact or very very low contact to cut off their "fuel" supply

The dementia suggestion is genius

Hahaha! I love this, plus you can come at it from a "I'm, just SO concerned about you and we're so worried that you seem to be forgetting things we've asked/mentioned to you- its really, really worrying us" play her at her own game!!

Thank you.. @Grimchmas

I really loathe her so much now, and I don't like the emotions that churns up in me.

She still gets little P-A digs in whenever she can under the guise of concern. (If she would just stop, it would help). I don't respond. I just follow the wise advice I've read on here in the past when other people have had similar problems, and go grey rock. It's the only way to deal with people like her.

You and DH have the patience of saints.

She knows exactly what she's doing, you're right.

I knew someone like this. Everything was done so if you ignored their behaviour you were mean/rude/ungrateful/poor Sandra was just trying to help and doesn't get any thanks. If you challenged their behaviour then they would flounce and be the victim. It was exhausting to be around.

The dementia suggestion is genius. That will completely put the wind up her.

Whether it did or not makes nor difference.

Noe of MILs business unless she is asked to help.

@PanettoneSoprano please for the love of sanity either get the key back or change the locks!

@Emotionalsupportviper I'm so sorry - that sounds horrific and it sounds as if you handled it with wonderful dignity and poise given the distressing circumstances.

If mowing a few 'weeds' make her happy or dusting and cleaning makes her feel useful, then knock yourself out. They think they're being helpful and helping make your life easier.

On the contrary, people like this are well aware that they are nor being helpful.

They are maintaining control.

However, if it suits you, that's fine.

OP- you do realise that she knows EXACTLY what she's doing right? This is typical narc behaviour- pity plays and sympathy ploys, doing things she knows will annoy you after you've specifically said no, enjoying the fall out and drama and her other sons then getting upset that you and DH have "upset mum" etc.

This is deliberate, it's not some older lady desperately trying to be helpful and then wringing her hands because she cant understand why everyone is annoyed with her. Noone who genuinely hated drama and fall outs would cause them as much as this by doing things you've specifically asked them not to.

Watch HG Tudor on YouTube and you'll soon realise how this whole thing works- its deliberate.

Definitely never have her over again - but I wouldn't want her touching my things again even to put them back.

I hate people like this - it's a form of passive-aggression in my book. "I only wanted to help", 'I was only being nice" or they lie and say "You never told me X", or "I forgot" (even when you know that she damn well didn't forget, and in fact did it intentionally).*

*Why, yes - I do have a similar conniving, manipulating kh^nt in my life. What made you ask?

The particular one I have to deal with intentionally did something (in public) to draw attention to me in a way that I'd specifically been telling her for 3 years not to do - I wan't say what, but it was in relation to a phobia I have. She'd plotted it - 2 people afterwards told me she'd said she was going to do it and both had said "Viper won't like that - it'll upset her" and were told by this gurning idiot "I like upsetting people". Sadly they didn't get a chance to warn me because she just went in and did it. (There was no way I could actually get away)

I even tried to stop her half way because I saw where it was headed, but she continued. I stood up again after she'd finished (I was frozen with shock and crying) and was looking pleased with herself, and I apologised to everybody there for seeming ungracious (this thing was done as a birthday "surprise") but that I'd have to leave. That put a kibosh on any celebration, too.

I pulled her about it later and got lies ("Nobody told me" / "I forgot" / "I just wanted to be nice". etc which to me was almost worse than the act itself.)

It is a real phobia. Not just something that makes me "uncomfortable" or "embarrassed" - it makes me physically, mentally and emotionally ill for a long time. I have nightmares and panic attacks. I still am. Nobody except her knew I had this phobia, because there was no need for them to.

She's trying to pretend everything in the garden is lovely (I do have to have contact with her because or church responsibilities) and I just can't be in the same room as her. She makes me physically sick.

Anyway - sorry to de-rail. I needed a rant because it's still upsetting me, and it's 5 months later. Please forgive me @GelatinousDynamo

And sorry for saying "kh^nt ". It's a horrible word and she's the only person I've ever used it about.

It is very odd behaviour. But perhaps just learnt behaviour.

She has learnt that people love her when she mothers them and does stuff for them. It’s her only way of knowing how to relate to people. It’s her only way of seeing and understanding herself. She doesn’t seem to have any existence outside of this. It’s her entire soul.

She’s psychologically trapped in this understanding of herself and how she relates to others. Even though it’s not working with you, she has no other way of understanding how to exist to you. So she just keeps repeating the behaviour.

My autistic Ex was similar. It didn’t matter how much a behaviour did not work for him or others, it didn’t matter how much misery it caused him or others, he just kept repeating it.

So maybe it’s learnt or maybe it’s learnt but also with some underlying issue like undiagnosed ND. Who knows?!

It’s not acceptable though.

Continue to ignore op but I expect she'll ramp it up this weekend.

Be prepared that they'll drop by this weekend though - can you be out? Or keep doors locked and don't answer.

If her brothers call, I'd actually use it as an opportunity to say how worried you are about her having dementia as she's forgetting the most basic things. Really lay it on thick. Turn it around as concern for her through them.

From the thread title I thought you were BU, but having read your post, you are not. I would not let her in my house or garden again. You’ve given her more than enough chances. Enough.

I’d have been furious about the wild flowers. That would have been my final straw.

So hang on, she dumps stuff at your house? Has she got an aversion to throwing things away? I find this extraordinary and infuriating

this is the behaviour of an extreme narcissistic parent. overstepping boundaries, playing the victim, making it very difficult to have what would be a rational conversation with any normal adult, etc …all standard behaviour. there have been books written about it. My mother is a narcissist and I didn’t speak to her for years. The only reason I do now is because my father has a terminal illness. He is a nice man but also as your father-in-law is described — an enabler. It’s also very common to see a narcissist paired with someone who bows to their every whim. Unfortunately, the problem is that it’s very hard to get the upper hand with a narcissist. For all the reasons you’ve explained these types of rational conversations that people are advising you to have will not work with her. The most common advice is to go no contact. and to become a ‘Grey rock.’ this means having no emotional reaction to anything that she does. You’re doing the right thing by not responding to her. do not respond to her at all. She craves your emotional attention because it makes her feel powerful, she will do anything to get it. you can see this in her text messages. She wants you to get angry with her and then she can play victim. Now that didn’t work so she tried another approach with the food texts. Don’t respond. The less you respond the more likely it is that she will stop doing what is annoying you because she stops getting the response that she wants. It’s very difficult because what she’s doing is absolutely infuriating and you have all of my empathy, but please just do not respond to her at all.