To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Dear God she sounds like the unholy love child of my XMIL (chronically interfering/controlling) and my mum (emotionally flaky and manipulative).

I think ignoring her was probably a good shout, if she wants attention and drama then not providing it is definitely the way to go, but for your own sanity you just can’t have her in your house unsupervised going forward.

If FIL is on board perhaps you can suggest that he comes over to help out with stuff when she’s got plans with her brothers?

Just for shits and giggles…my XMIL organised and paid for a load of stuff to be done in our former marital home (XH would not stand up to her and I think she thought she could get away with it because it was only in his name - long story). This included a porch, change of fireplace, kitchen refurbishment as well as a host of other stuff.

When I divorced her son she had the bloody cheek to send me an invoice for half the costs of all her antics over the years.

Stop caring that she cries to other ridiculous adults.
Ask her why she acts like a scolded toddler. It's fucking cringey...

I suspect they know exactly what she is like, but are well trained.

She is now attempting to train the OP - but it’s not working because the OP knows how to set boundaries.

She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s)

It’s quite ridiculous that your husband is so scared of these old men and has allowed them to have any opinion at all about these matters. He’s not a little boy and should not tolerate being told off like this.

He needs to tell them to keep their noses out, or not answer their calls.

Stand up to the uncles and MIL manipulations will stop.

Oh yes she sure does whine.

Keep standing firm, do not respond. The change of tactics from her in the messages is proof that what she did was not done to be helpful it was calculated and done to get a reaction and attention to allow her to done her victim of evil DIL robes and you denying her that has foiled her plans.

Also, MIL is lying she knows she didn't put everything back in place as she deliberately moved a chair for better afternoon light.

I can understand that is it tough for your husband she is his mother after all but if he does respond to her all he should say is You've been told countless times, you are either not listening or deliberately disregarding what we have said so there is no point in talking to you.

“I’m too angry to talk to you at the moment. I might regret what I say”

OMG 😲 @PanettoneSoprano How have you not bumped her off?
Please tell me she no longer has a key!

She knows she it upsets you and keeps doing it.

I'd start texting her.

Why would I be angry? What have you done?

Oh I didn't notice you had rearranged things.

Then I would set up texts to text her every hour asking where things are.

Sorry MIL, but where do you put my sex toy?

Sorry MIL I can't find the kettle? Where have you put it?

Sorry MIL I can't find the water. Did you disconnect the taps?

Sorry MIL where is the living room window?

Get more and more insane.

Oh and when/if the brothers grimm ring let them say their piece.say nothing.justify nothing and end with thank you for that, i will reflect on your thoughts bye bye,Put the phone down.forget and go about your day as you were!

I don't know.. how TF do these people dare?
😳🙄

@Caththegreat

What a silly comment! I took early retirement years ago and certainly don't have the time or inclination to tidy any of my relatives home unless an elderly relative has been unable to do so and has asked for help, in which case the whole family chip in wherever possible to help out.

Retirement is fantastic. Freedom to do whatever I want, when I want.

I don't think she's trying to help. She's bored out her mind, this is just entertainment for her, imagine the thrill of walking past you knowing what you were about to walk into. She'll have been so excited for your text. Ignoring her in the best strategy, don't feed it.

"I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing.

Your response should have been: 'Well if you are worried about me being angry then that tells me you already know you've crossed a line.'

It sounds as if you might have gone out to avoid spending time with her? Perhaps if you try to kill her with kindness and spend time making pleasant small talk while she's there, she'd have less opportunity to behave like a busybody behind your back.

I would continue to ignore totally any messages, the silence will be killing her.Keep it up! If FIL ever needs any tools etc say yes you will drop them off for him when you are free, in effect bypassing the need for them to visit you. It is exhausting trying to preempt her next move but you have to be ready if you are not going no contact to do this. Always meet for coffee in a public space,never at your home. They want to come over, no sorry we are busy/out no more explaining than that,tell them nothing of any plans,anything of interest or note going on in your life. . I would not do any more than that. I woudnt seek revenge just make her irrelevent to your life. You have got this OP. Dont engage with her.In our house dh sees to his side I see to mine. The longer you ignore the better..she has lost you and will be terrified of loosing her son so it might pull her into line if you stay strong. She calls you ..hi mil I will get fred for you thats all and pass her over thats all she gets from you going forward, refuse to engage any further.

It’s not the first time I’ve read on here of a MiL taking it upon herself to clean or tidy, moving or throwing away stuff - and then when even mildly reprimanded, crying and doing the ‘I was only trying to help!’ bit.

Seems to me like a dual-purpose tactic - annoying the DiL under a pretence of ‘helping’, and then garnering attention/sympathy.

Must say my lovely long-gone MiL would never have dreamt of any such intrusive behaviour.

Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front".

I’ve had to stop reading here and go and angry-clean.

congratulations on your restraint, OP, I think I’d have hit…well, something.

Has she been back in your house?

I think continue to ignore texts.

Your DH can talk to his Dad and explain that she has done something wrong and you need time and space, and that by respecting that she will demonstrate that she can respect boundaries, but that continued texting won’t improve things.

I have tried to put everything back in place.

So - she has been back into your house? Without your knowledge?

F*UCK THAT!

The ‘I hope you're not angry with me?’ rather gives the game away.
Of course NO adult should enter another person’s home and without their consent, move and rearrange their possessions, it just isn't done. It is intrusive and very disrespectful and your MIL knows this …hence the simpering manipulative text. You and your husband need to calmly and firmly say ‘this isnt a request, you are crossing a line, do NOT do this again, because if you do, it will damage our relationship’ and also add that phoning the other siblings is a very cowardly way of dealing with things and suggests that MIL isnt interested in anything but getting her own way. She must be getting some emotional satisfaction out of this display of ego?
After you’d had this discussion, hubby needs to phone the siblings and tell them to stop enabling their mother’s selfishness.
Recognised boundaries and good fences preserve relationships, ignoring these things destroy cordial relationships….and whatever the ‘emotional hole’ in your MIL’s own existence, it needs to be fixed by her and her husband reconnecting and finding age appropriate hobbies. It may not harm things to ask her why she isn't focusing on doing nice things with her own life, rather than trying to control yours? Maybe FIL and the brothers need to step in and do more to engage with MIL? There are many ways to fulfil her ‘need to be needed’ , voluntary work being a tried and tested way of doing good and feeling good. MIL has her own home, her own husband and her own life, if that is lacking in ‘something’, the solution is not to be found in undermining and disrupting your home, marriage and life.
Good luck xxx

Then say's well I didn't know

I'm hearing this in the whiney, see-justifying tones of Sharon Strzelecki (from Kath & Kim)

My MIL used to do the exact same thing. I’d be at work and I’d come home to find my house scrubbed and rearranged. My garden stripped of the flowers I’d planted, daffodils tied up into neat little bunches with elastic bands round them. It made me effing furious!

Id warn DH to keep out out shopping or at a garden centre until I got home and she couldn’t do the stuff she wanted to in my house because I was there.

One day I came home to find her cleaning my oven. I went mental at her. Told her to leave my stuff alone as she was making me feel like I was living in a slum. I told her it was my dirt and id clean it. Then she said she was only trying to help, I told her I didn’t want her help and she was here for a visit not to do my housework. She told me that if she could clean/help she’d commit suicide (yep, she really said that). I told her to go right ahead, tell me when she was going to do it and I’d help her! She never did. But also crucially she never ever cleaned anything in my house again.

Shes 91 now, she’s in a care home. She’s as sharp as a pin still. We get on like a house on fire. I do whatever I can for her, shopping for clothes she needs, sweets, shower gels. Sometimes you just have to show a bit of tough love.

OP. I really hope you find a solution.

Tell her the dog stole it.

And has been violently sick.

I have a friend like this. She has no mental discipline - if you don't do things her way she keeps chipping away trying and she never gives up. As a friend I have enough space and she doesn't control or impact on what I do but she does this kind of shit to her kids - I tell her to stop and she promises to - and then I find out she has done it anyway and her kids get really angry and she's upset that they don't appreciate her. She does too much for them, gives them too much money and thinks they'll love her more for it but they don't.
Not sure what causes it - she's not a narc (I know a few of those)

I can guarantee you she will have been just as passive aggressive, sympathy seeking, manipulative and drama inducing during her working years.