To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

Everyone else in her immediate family will know what she is like and will be doing their level best to ignore or push her onto the OP. Better you than them, is the rationale.

The previous poster that says to hand this over to your DH and have minimal interaction is correct, as is having social events in restaurants etc.

The FIL is probably an enabler and relatively spineless. Do not expect help there, I'd say he's keen to get rid of his needy wife for a while.

These people can not be controlled or boxed in this way. No one is cleverer than a narcissist in search of supply. They get their joy out if dominating you and making you miserable. So they never cede control.

I asked my parents to just keep an eye on the house whilst I was on holiday. I came back to find mirrors I didn't want fitted to the walls, and all my herbs turfed out of their pots and replaced with pansies. To this day, lovely as people might find them, I can't bear pansies.

Give her a mop and bucket next time with a list - starting with the mankiest room (bathroom, toilet floor etc,) followed by shed/garage where ever she can't to any harm.

She is a control freak and does not like that your are now in her son's life and she has to do as she wants. Sit her down and tell her she is not allowed in your house unless you are there and never allowed to move or touch anything again. Tell your husband to also tell her the rules. Shocking the cheek of her cutting your grass and wild meadow. I would go around and chop the heads off all her flowers and see how she likes it. She is horrible and needs to be firmly told to stop.

Well if she needs to be needed so much, how about giving her a job you loathe, like cleaning the oven, along with the words “you’d be doing me such a favour if you did that”. Or just save up all hubby’s washing and ironing and let her get in with it? Find some old bedding and throw that on the pile? In summer you could get her shelling a few pounds of peas to freeze…

I reiterate that the best response is no response... but that photo? A tiny part of me is saying: take it out of the frame and subtly alter the pic to give her lizard eyes, pointy teeth and a forked tongue... return to frame... job jobbed...

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My mil did this once when we were on holiday abroad, she let herself in and cleaned the house!! I was furious and got dh to get the spare key off her immediately. It was a total invasion of privacy and I have no idea if she went into the bedrooms or not. She never did it again and has not been given a spare key again.
Ask her if her mil used to come and tidy and rearrange her house without being asked? Put your foot down and tell her it is not her home and it needs to stop or she will not be welcome anymore and that you are not trying to upset her. P.s get your husband to tell her this, it's his mother so he should deal with her!

Having had an NPD mother, this behaviour is chillingly familiar. Ignore boundaries, get a predictable reaction then retreat into victim role. A narc wants to be told all the time how wonderful they are and how grateful everyone else is at their efforts. They only want to hear praise and can’t cope with anything less than positive feedback.

To all those making excuses and justifying the MIL’s as she’s ‘retired and bored’ just put yourself in the same position as her. She still has a partner, is not old at all by modern standards and is clearly fit and mobile enough as she has enough energy to move furniture etc. She needs to be told bluntly that she needs to redirect her focus elsewhere, maybe volunteer for a charity where her enthusiasm for cleaning might benefit someone who actually wants help.

I’m in my early 60s and retired. I have two adult children with their own homes. Their standards of tidiness differ from my own, but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me. It doesn’t affect me whatsoever - they’re certainly not unhygienic or dirty - and when I visit, it’s to catch up with them, not to enforce my views on the way they live.

This invasion of your home is a form of territory marking. She’s reminding you that she is ultimately the powerful matriarch. Agree absolutely with others that have said, if necessary, meet her on neutral ground. That way, you’re in control of both your home sanctuary and can dictate how long you’re in each others company. Just tell the narcissist that it’s so much nicer to meet in a restaurant etc because then “we can just relax and chat and not worry about boring old housework”

@GelatinousDynamo I suggest you start predrinking from the day before her anticipated arrival so you are already nicely sloshed by the time she is there. if you dose correctly, you won't remember being in her company afterwards. also you can say anything you want with the great excuse of being off your head

If you do reply just say thanks for the food, although you didn't get to eat it as DH did. Say nothing about the room.

I think some people who say this just don’t read the post properly. Others are routinely goady. But some really do miss those points, because it’s so far outside their own experiences and imagination that they just can’t take it on board. In their world, MILs don’t do these things, so they can’t imagine someone’s life in which this happens.

Could a compromise be that she never visits unsupervised but that you also never have to be alone with her?

@FictionalCharacter "People with normal, decent parents and in-laws have no concept of how those relatives can manipulate, lie, and have bizarre selfish motives. They give everyone the benefit of the doubt because they haven’t experienced this. They think that if someone says they’re just trying to help, that’s true. Hence the complete misunderstanding of what is going on here and the willingness to believe that this MIL truly is being helpful."

100% this. You probably have to experience it to understand how toxic and exhausting this behaviour is and how it's part of a much bigger picture of relentless control and undermining, which is presented to others as kindness, care and helpfulness.

Sounds like my MIL. I'll be adopting some of the good advice that has been offered in this thread going forward.

To anyone who has lovely, straightforward parents and in-laws who don’t play games: you are lucky; please don’t try to invalidate the experiences of those who are not so lucky

Also agree! as for people saying "I'd be grateful if she did cleaning!"- did they miss the fact she rearranged their furniture, almost killed their dog, ruined her garden and purposely put a photo of HER in front of OP's parents?- thats not just a bit of help with cleaning due to boredom, its malicious nastiness with a desire for drama and the accompanying histrionics afterwards. It's text book narc behaviour and is no way motivated by just "a desire to help out because she's bored". The very fact she brought over a photo of herself knowing she'd put it in front of a photo of OP's parents indicates as plain as day it was deliberately done to be inflammatory and to cause drama.

I agree 100%. There are loads of replies, as usual, with suggestions like “give her something to do”. OP has tried that and it doesn’t work. It isn’t what MIL wants. What she wants is to treat OP’s home as hers, do whatever she wants including things she’s been asked not to do, and pretend she’s just helping. Suggestions to tolerate her: why? Why should the OP have her home interfered with and her possessions ruined because it pleases MIL? Why are OP’s feelings and desire to have her possessions left alone less important than what the MIL wants?

People with normal, decent parents and in-laws have no concept of how those relatives can manipulate, lie, and have bizarre selfish motives. They give everyone the benefit of the doubt because they haven’t experienced this. They think that if someone says they’re just trying to help, that’s true. Hence the complete misunderstanding of what is going on here and the willingness to believe that this MIL truly is being helpful.

To anyone who has lovely, straightforward parents and in-laws who don’t play games: you are lucky; please don’t try to invalidate the experiences of those who are not so lucky.

You’re right, it is a mental illness. It’s narcissistic personality disorder. The problem is narcissists do not think they have a problem. And they will never get help. narcissist develop this way because they did not receive the attention. They needed as children. So they create situations where they attract attention, whether positive or negative, which fills their emotional void. However, it is never enough. They also crave feeling powerful. they also have a complete inability to see their behaviour the way other people do. most narcissist cannot empathise or sympathise however, they see that this can create attraction so they imitate these behaviours. that is why they often try to play the victim so people feel sorry for them.

Fucking hell. Change your locks!!

You need to secretly place the photo frame in a mutual relative’s house.

OP don’t put anything writing if you can help it as she will just show it to everyone to further her victim complex.

@PanettoneSoprano - and TBH anyone similar, why on earth don’t you either take her key away or change the locks??

Yes. She hates clutter but also doesn't like throwing things away because it's a waste. Her house is immaculate but she treats ours like a charity shop. My husband gets really annoyed so I don't have to deal with it, thankfully. There have also been some pretty funny incidents over the years that I've been able to sit back and enjoy from the other side of the room 😂🍸