To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

If it doesn't feel right to you then that's all that matters. You instinctively know intentions are misplaced or there are boundaries being crossed so you don't even need explain yourself.

I feel strongly that it's on husband to address this. You're in a difficult position and I would absolutely expect him to be the one to clearly assert the boundary. Even though you meant well mum, it feels a bit intrusive for both of us. Please no more cleaning or it's going to be difficult to have you over'

This!!!!! I love it!!!

Honestly, I would set really clear boundaries now, and call her out on all batshittery. I think I mentioned upthread where DH's family are with SIL who has alienated everyone to the point where her sons won't even phone her in her care home.

I'd kill anyone who touched our ivy - we have a wren in there every year.

In future a good reply to a similar tactic might be:

"Sorry batshit pain in the arse MIL, it took me so long putting my house back the way it was your food spoilt so had to bin it.

Did you read her posts or just read the title?

I was all for you being the unreasonable one when I read the title but as soon as I read that she had mowed your wildflowers(!!!!) and actually moved your furniture, not just cleaned your living room, I decided I’m on your side and I’d be furious too!

Sorry but sod that.

My ex MIL would do EXACTLY this. She once rearranged my WARDROBE while I was at work. So many incidents like this. Of course I was painted as the ungrateful witch.

She also later did some passive-aggressive things like breaking items - all in the name of ‘only trying to help’. This woman flooded my kitchen using the shower above, melted a pair of nylon socks on my brand new wood burning stove and broke a sofa bed trying to force it closed.

The final straw was when I came down one morning and she had unstacked the dishwasher and put everything neatly away. Only, it had been full of dirty crockery and cutlery.

When I banned her from staying over she checked herself into a B&B the next time she came to visit. Only, we got a call at 11pm complaining that it was actually a drug den and please could we come and rescue her.

The family believe her to be hilarious and just a bit nutty but endearing. They all fawn and pander to her very whim and forgive everything. They don’t even bat an eyelid.

I saw straight through her. Her every move was calculated. My ex didn’t stand up to her. This is one of the main reasons he’s now an ex.

A word of warning: if you plan to have children, NEVER, ever leave your child alone or unsupervised with your MIL. Mine was an absolute danger to the little ones, and once they got older she would try to twist their minds with the way she was treating them. I don’t know what kind of illness that woman has but OMG I am so happy I never have to have anything to do with her again.

I had that sort of MIL for the first 20 years of my marriage, not so much tidying and rearranging but running fingers down the bannisters and along work surfaces looking for dust; she never found any, my house was invariably cleaner than hers.
She was my husband's step mother and she is long gone now, but we've been married for almost 45 years , so that's how long it's irked both of us , so much so, that we still refer to her as 'she who must not be named.'.
Get your husband on side, he's married to you not her and so it's also his home she is messing around with. He's obviously quite content with the way you both have things arranged.
Please don't stoop to her level and do what some are suggesting here and do the same in her home - at least one of you should behave like a civilised human being, but she doesn't get to visit without invitation, when both you and your DH are there to stop her in her tracks if she starts moving the furniture.
Having said all that if she had mowed up my wild - flower meadow I would have killed her so I'm probably not as long suffering as you.

You need to be really firm and really clear- “if you can’t be trusted to behave yourself, you’re no longer welcome in our home.”
My MIL used to pull this nonsense all the time- taking a load of my trinkets (some of which were sentimental) to give to a charity shop, ‘tidying’ my underwear draw and getting rid of items which she ‘didn’t think would fit anymore’ or ‘no longer looked my style’ or peeling every vegetable that we owned.
She was told and sulked for a long time, but then realised that I was the one encouraging my partner to have a relationship with her and if she didn’t come to ours, she didn’t see him as he never made an effort. So she now toes the line!

You have a free cleaner what's to moan about? Just tell her how you want it done and good for you! Save yourself £120 a month which is what I pay for a weekly cleaner!

🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

If anyone knowingly mowed our wildflower meadow their feet wouldn't touch the ground they wouldn't be allowed in our house again unsupervised!
And the uncles who created such a monster by spoiling their little sister and letting her think she could always get away with doing whatever she wanted by twisting them round her little finger should be told so.

Sounds like a mother-in-law who is power tripping thinking that no one is good enough for her son. Keep her out of your house. Your husband needs to back you up on this. She needs to stop meddling in your life. She’s such an energy vampire.

She knows she's in the wrong or she would t have said it.

I would simply make it clear to everyone concerned - especially to your mother in law - that you understand that she is suffering from dementia and so cannot help herself, and that therefore you will try to be more understanding going forward. Keep hitting the dementia issue as often as you can with anyone and everyone who knows her.

Strangely I feel for your MIL, even though she is a nuisance, she sounds a bit lonely / lacking in a hobby, and probably just wants to be involved, but she's going the wrong way about it. 🙈
It would do my nut in too, and even though she probably means well, i would have a word with her in front of DH and FIL. Sadly my MIL passed in 2021, and I would love for her to rearrange / tidy my house, especially as my DS (nearly aged 5) constantly has my house up the wall 😆

She knows well she did wrong or she wouldnt be texting you. I would politely but strongly say mil you are welcome anytime but PLEASE DO NOT clean or move anything while you are here,we have asked you before and dont want to have to do so again. it causes undue stress and our house is how we like it.x

Wow

Honestly I don't mean to sound disrespectful but why are mils so unhinged?. Yanbu she sounds incredibly annoying and is doing emotional blackmail. It winds me up that mils use their children's families to fill a void in their lives its not fair.

My MIL is like this too and it drives me insane! I wouldn't mind if she would do something helpful like laundry, ironing. Instead she goes through my kitchen cupboard and reorganises them (hides things so I can't find them!) and pull down the ivy I was purposefully covering our large back fence with!

Take your keys off them.

Well if she needs to be needed so much, how about giving her a job you loathe, like cleaning the oven, along with the words “you’d be doing me such a favour if you did that”. Or just save up all hubby’s washing and ironing and let her get in with it? Find some old bedding and throw that on the pile? In summer you could get her shelling a few pounds of peas to freeze…

Sorry, but this shows you really don't know anything about narcissists! If OP does this, I'll tell you what will happen:

She WONT do those things deliberately, she will do other stuff instead that she knows full well will irritate the OP (because she wants a reaction). When OP says "oh- how come you didnt do the oven? etc, I did ask you if you could do them"

She'll start crying, and say "you never said that!, I never heard that- I would have done it if you had said it, I'm ONLY trying to help. If I'd known you wanted the oven done I'd have done it but thats not what you said, or maybe I misheard you, I'm not well you know and my hearing isnt what it used to be- I tried my best to help you but clearly it wasnt good enough!" cue more crying and running to others for sympathy. She'll gaslight everyone into thinking she never heard it, it was never said, she didnt realise blah blah blah and will turn it into another huge ploy for sympathy. This wont work with narcs as they have selective hearing and will swear blind something was said that it wasn't or that something wasn't said when it was. They will argue the sky is bright purple, not blue, if it benefits them.