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Original poster

To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

686 replies

GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 15:20

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

OP posts:
Comms · 09/03/2024 21:51

bombastix · 09/03/2024 21:27

Unfortunately people like this MIL usually have a relatively spineless family members who know very well she is a total pita and also know they don't want her attention. So generally a narc has a lot of people who don't want them either who will push back because it's easier for them. Narcs are also pretty nasty if you take them on directly. Tbh it's highly likely that this MIL has already been pretty unpleasant about the OP already and any conflict is used to "prove" her point. They are nasty people who love fights and particularly fights with a principled person. You have to not engage.

Show quote history

By not engaging gives her a green light to continue.
No, my light is directly on red.
If she doesn't like it then that's her problem, not mine.
If she starts creating, she would be shown the door in no uncertain terms.
My mother in law tried throwing her weight about in my house when I first married, she was very surprised to be shown the door instead.
You've got a mouth, use it.

Soulou · 09/03/2024 21:47

What she did was very wrong. Is she showing signs of dementia, it comes in many forms, may e have a word with fil or dh

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 09/03/2024 21:47

Comms · 09/03/2024 20:45

I don't understand why you don't just tell her straight out to leave well alone, or else.
If her other kids phone to complain, tell them straight out too.
She would only do it once in my house.

They have. She ignores it.

It is not her other kids, it is her brothers who ring to complain.

Sharontheodopolodous · 09/03/2024 21:41

Not my mil (who once got up before us and didn't make a cup of tea or eat anything as 'it's not mine to touch') but my mother

She'd think nothing of coming in,have a nose round anything she thought was important(and would think nothing of opening my post),bin what she felt wasn't (school letters,bills,medical appointment letters etc) but she'd rearange anything she felt she didn't like,binned a load of my clothes and shoes more than once as 'I don't like them,they dont suit you',once took a load of brand new cleaning cloths as 'I don't like the feel of them' and would help herself to daft things like photos or food

I went nc in the end-and not one thing has been moved or taken since

I get you don't want that but she can't be left alone in your house

The tears are just manipulation and the guilt tripping texts are the same-it's all to build you up as the bad guy

Your home is not an extention of her own

bombastix · 09/03/2024 21:27

Comms · 09/03/2024 20:45

I don't understand why you don't just tell her straight out to leave well alone, or else.
If her other kids phone to complain, tell them straight out too.
She would only do it once in my house.

Unfortunately people like this MIL usually have a relatively spineless family members who know very well she is a total pita and also know they don't want her attention. So generally a narc has a lot of people who don't want them either who will push back because it's easier for them. Narcs are also pretty nasty if you take them on directly. Tbh it's highly likely that this MIL has already been pretty unpleasant about the OP already and any conflict is used to "prove" her point. They are nasty people who love fights and particularly fights with a principled person. You have to not engage.

IamMoodyBlue · 09/03/2024 21:19

If it happens again, after yet another "I know you are trying to help but...' conversation, I'd do the same in her house. If you can't beat them, join them!
Wander into the kitchen and start rearranging things. Plug the kettle into a different socket, shift things on windowsills as you wipe them down with a damp cloth. Move the kitchen roll. Nothing strenuous, you're not there to work.
You are Just Making a Point. You know the sort of thing..."It makes so much more sense to have the kettle here.' Have a bit of fun causing quiet chaos.

And then there's the bathroom.....

PorridgeEater · 09/03/2024 21:09

Don't have her round unless it's a convenient time to stay with her.
She sounds a bit OCD tbh. Is there somewhere else she could do cleaning? Local church? Pick up litter in local street/park? Animal shelter?? Could she get a cleaning job? - she might really enjoy it!

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 09/03/2024 21:03

BeeHappy12 · 09/03/2024 20:53

Aww, she sounds like a nice person who wants to be needed.

Perhaps you could give her some jobs that actually need doing which could be helpful to you and her.

Sorry, no.

’Nice’ people don’t impose on others and then expect to have sunshine blown up their backsides for doing so and then throw a wobbly if it doesn’t happen. This isn’t a sweet old lady being helpful, it’s a woman who doesn’t understand or respect any boundaries and nothing to do with her age. I guarantee she has always been difficult and used to rampaging through life unchecked well before she reached retirement age.

You can also bet she won’t want to be ‘given jobs that actually need doing’ Narcs only do exactly what they want to do or what suits them - usually something where they can get a lot of emotional mileage out of.

Trishthedish · 09/03/2024 20:56

GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 18:05

I might start another post on the dog 😂but it mostly boils down to her following the dog everywhere and touching him all the time, the dog being weirded out and avoiding her, and her then feeding the dog mountains of meat and snacks to make him like her. Which ended in hourly trips to the garden in the night (for us and the dog).

Show quote history

I hope you texted her photos of the 💩 all through the night. What a bitch

BeeHappy12 · 09/03/2024 20:53

Aww, she sounds like a nice person who wants to be needed.

Perhaps you could give her some jobs that actually need doing which could be helpful to you and her.

Comms · 09/03/2024 20:45

I don't understand why you don't just tell her straight out to leave well alone, or else.
If her other kids phone to complain, tell them straight out too.
She would only do it once in my house.

WorkerBee83 · 09/03/2024 20:44

Taste of her own medicine, find out when she isn’t home and go and give her home a “tidy up” and then cry when she doesn’t like it 🙄

Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 09/03/2024 20:43

Wokkadema · 09/03/2024 20:13

If it's you DH who wants her around your house, why can't he be the one to supervise her? Why can't she be invited over just for the occasions DH will be inside and engaged in visiting with her?

Obviously it's up to you what you are ok to accept but I personally would not be willing to take that on. It's a massive imposition on your time & mental energy.

Show quote history

Yes, that would be Ideal and to be fair, I usually opted to go to the office or go out whenever she's invited herself. But, if it's during the week, they usually come over on a day where DH is WFH, and he does actually have to work, so can't supervise all the time... So from now on I'll have to WFH on those days as well, because I refuse to give up my weekends and leaving her to live out her wildest dreams unsupervised is obviously no longer an option.

But I think we will be reducing the visits as well. We don't need the stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
GelatinousDynamo · 09/03/2024 20:38

MichaelBrett · 09/03/2024 20:14

She's an old lady that's trying to be useful , let it go, indulge her, she hasn't got long.

Wtf, she's 66 and completely healthy. How old are you to see a woman in her 60s as an old decrepit lady, 12?

OP posts:
Trishthedish · 09/03/2024 20:29

I’d be incandescent with rage. She knows she’s done wrong as she said I hope you’re not cross with me. My in laws use to try this with me so I banned them from my house. Boundaries must not be crossed. Good luck

threatmatrix · 09/03/2024 20:15

Well you know what to do next time you visit her. Swap everything around.

MichaelBrett · 09/03/2024 20:14

She's an old lady that's trying to be useful , let it go, indulge her, she hasn't got long.

RecklessGoddess · 09/03/2024 20:14

Personally, I would have just said no, then started immediately putting everything back to where it belongs, no matter how tired I was! Do this enough times, she'll soon stop doing it!

Wokkadema · 09/03/2024 20:13

GelatinousDynamo · 09/03/2024 13:27

Wow, so many answers! To everyone who's MIL is even worse than mine: I'm so sorry for you and hope you're holding strong! I would explode if someone dared to remodel my house when I was away, having to put the living room back together is a small task compared to some of your stories!

The picture has been handed to DH and the fugly frame has found it's final resting place in the bin. The living room is back as it was and the dog is chilling in the "afternoon sun" spot.

People have suggested to freeze her out, ban her from our house or go NC... This won't happen, she's DHs mother after all, and I don't want to put him in a position where he's forced to choose between me and his family. She's annoying, but it's not a crime. Might have to revaluate if she gets worse, but for now she's not completely banned or anything. I get angry at her, but cutting her off completely might do more harm than good- especially to my marriage, and she would just love it.

But yeah, she will have to be supervised during visits, which is super annoying because I've been keeping myself sane by organising little appointments every time she was supposed to come around, to at least win myself half a day and just have to meet her for dinner, never be alone with her... That strategy is dead now and I'm stocking up on lots of wine.

Still haven't answered her texts but it might write something this evening.

If it's you DH who wants her around your house, why can't he be the one to supervise her? Why can't she be invited over just for the occasions DH will be inside and engaged in visiting with her?

Obviously it's up to you what you are ok to accept but I personally would not be willing to take that on. It's a massive imposition on your time & mental energy.

Treeinthesky · 09/03/2024 20:10

Wish Mt ex mil did this. My mum does but she rarely comes. I would love someone to spring clean my house for free

FeetLikeFlippers · 09/03/2024 20:09

She sounds like a narcissist, which is going to make it very hard to get through to her. Also, anyone who thinks a wildflower meadow is “ugly” clearly has no soul.

Donsyb · 09/03/2024 20:00

I have a similar issue with DPs mum. She completely took over when we bought our house, first time they came to stay she rearranged the furniture, has an opinion on everything and if you don’t follow it she gets a real victim complex about it. I think the woman is a complete narcissist and everything is about her.
it culminated in a huge row in the middle of John Lewis 😂 however it did clear the air, and now DP and his dad also stand up to her. She doesn’t do it anywhere as much since.

pagingtish · 09/03/2024 19:25

wow, people are really angry about this MIL. send her to me- i’d LOVE the help!

in seriousness- i do understand your frustrations. i watched my mum and SIL struggle for years, it was sad and hard on everyone. your MIL clearly has trouble with boundaries, and maybe needs to feel
useful, or just needs attention. perhaps you could approach it from that perspective- either talk to her about what help looks like to your family, or set up tasks that will make her feel useful/appreciated/noticed but wont impact you if it goes south.

family is a beautiful, complicated, and often difficult beast. the way we nurture it role models to our kids how to handle difficult relationships, and how to handle us when we’re seen as the difficult MIL. good luck!

Elle2018 · 09/03/2024 19:12

GelatinousDynamo · 08/03/2024 15:20

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

But she absolutely does understand that she’s done something wrong OP otherwise she wouldn’t be lamenting about you being angry.
Personally I would go NC for a while as she repeatedly shows she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Then she might think a bit about her actions.

Wexone · 09/03/2024 19:05

Temuaddiction · 09/03/2024 18:25

You have a free cleaner what's to moan about? Just tell her how you want it done and good for you! Save yourself £120 a month which is what I pay for a weekly cleaner!

17 pages of comments and updates from op and you think she just cleaned and op should be grateful? she not only cleaned she alos moved furniture even though she doesn't live there to how she thinks it shoudl be. she also moved photos of ops family out of the way and put a photo of her in the front and center as she thinks she is more important. if you paid 120e they most certainly wouldn't have done any of that. mother in law overstepped big time and op is well within her rights to be furiouse