To feel so confused by DH behaviour

We share the routine, so I’ll give her a shower then DH does the toothbrush while I tidy something up then I dry her hair and he goes to do something, then he reads some stories and I go do something and then I get her in her PJ’s and so on. We are both popping in and out doing bits and bobs. That way no-one is left doing it all, Dd doesn’t feel rushed into bed and tidying gets done.

Take a kid each, both read them a different story in their own rooms in their own beds. Swap kid every night. Fair but firm - "no, this is what we're doing. Mummy will read to you tomorrow night".

Both kids in bed and asleep within half an hour, both tidy up for 10 mins. One takes kitchen, one takes living room.

Both get to chill for an hour.

Don’t back down today, tonight is his turn, and if he only does a half arsed job, let it slide, say nothing.

agree w/ @RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus

He is lazy and opting out
Now is a great time to introduce alternate nights PERMANENTLY.

He should have been pulling his weight from the start tbh.
OP you need to firmer with the kids and the DH. You count too, what do YOU want from your evening?

We separate bath and bed when it's a bath night, that would split your 90 mins routine to be fairer and less overwhelming? Parent A does bath/change for bed while B clears up kitchen, then B does bedtime while A has free time, can do hobby/meet friends etc. You can alternate nights of being A/B or have set days of the week then you can commit to hobbies/social events knowing you're free on those nights from whenever bedtime is, or agree to swap when needed. Seems rigid but it's less stress than constant negotiation/resentment and no-one feeling they can go out.

Let us know how he gets on with bedtime @HouseRen

Chaos is my prediction.

DP and I take turns putting DS to bed while the other tidies. We both much prefer doing the tidying while listening to a podcast! Definitely time for you two to take it in turns. Don't let him just do it once.

Switch off every other night, you'll see whether you feel a more equal parent.

What's to be confused about? He's been called out on his behaviour and he's going to have to start pulling his weight so he's got the hump!

Not sure why he wasn't taking turns with bedtime before!

This. Exactly this.

stick to your new arrangement a while and let him see how much he’s ok with doing “your job” while you run a cloth around the kitchen 🙄
common guy stuff of his life changing minimally after marriage and kids.

I think it’s both - he should do his share of bedtimes and you both need to be firmer with your children - 90 mins to put 2 kids to bed is too long and would exhaust anyone!

I'd suggest moving forward you do it week about - one does bedtime and the other tidies, then swap the next week. That's really the only fair way to do it and he'll get used to bedtime for if you're sick etc

💯

DH needs to do half the bedtimes.

He is off with you because you have dared to speak up so he can’t live in his airy fairy world where you the mum love doing bedtimes whilst he plays video games.

Do your children have separate bedrooms? If so, couldn't one of you settle one and one the other? And then switch it each night? My youngest also takes ages to settle. If it goes on a ridiculously long time, I text (I know he's only downstairs, but better than shouting) DH and he finishes off. Somehow, he's in and out within 10 mins - he's definitely stricter than me though.
It's definitely frustrating - DH gets through whole series on TV in the time it takes me to settle. But it's sometimes the only decent time I get to spend with youngest after a long day at work mid-week.

Simples: He is grumpy because he knows it would be pathetic and shitty ti say what he thinks out loud- nooo I only want to do 20 mins work without paying attention to anyone; talking to and cuddling and getting our kids teeth done and saying bedtime ISNT FUN FOR ME BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH HARD WORK AND THATS NOT FAIR ON ME YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THAT STUFF WHILE I PLAY MY VIDEO GAAAAAMEES WAAAAH. Then he wants to stomp his foot and throw something, but he knows that’s pathetic too, so he’s pissed off at you.

He wouldn't be sulking if he genuinely believed the current division of labour was fair. He knows it's not and now he's being moody about the additional work he's going to have to do and you, for some reason, feel worried about upsetting his lazy, piss taking arse.

I'd have a good chuckle about him backing himself into a corner.

Make sure you've got a book and glass of wine to enjoy after your first 20 minute clean up shift. 😀

He’s pulling a jib because he’s backed himself into a corner by making out tidying is just as much effort, and when you’ve called his bluff he couldn’t then refuse to put the kids to bed without losing face. Basically, he’s hoist with his own petard, and he doesn’t like it.

20 mins doing a chilled solo clear up, followed by an hour of gaming versus a stressful 90 mins of toddler wrangling. He’s been lording it up, and now that cushty evening is under threat, of course he’s sulking!
Stay firm OP, you have no reason to feel guilty for not wanting to do the bedtime routine every night! Take it in turns, one week he does it, next week you and so on. Fairs fair!

Make sure you do the swop over - and let us know how that goes
As others say - he knows that’s the harder deal.

You are tired and stressed and have young kids, so you will be off with each other at times, but stick to your guns. But 90 min is a madly long time for bedtime. Would it be quicker if you took one child each and take turns? That's what DH and I have always done - I read a bedtime story to DC 1 while he reads to DC 2 one night, the next night we swop and I read to DC 2 and he reads to DC1. Means each DC gets one-on-one time with each parent, evenly split. Of course if one of us has to work late or is going out the other person does both.

He's doing the 'easy' part. Ofcourse he doesn't want to swap. On the other hand, 60-90mins is ludicrous, your kids are running circles around you. Firm expectations & consequences for poor behavior.

It sounds unfair that you always do bedtime. Equally it sounds like you only asked to swap at a time when you were already stressed out, which is rarely the best time to have a conversation and you may have unintentionally been snappy/rude. Have a conversation with him in the morning and make it clear you need to take turns doing bedtime from now on.