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Original poster

Invited to hen but not wedding?

156 replies

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:14

That’s weird right?

friend is getting married. Invited to hen do (it’s abroad so paid my part, few hundred) received my save the date to the wedding, but not an actual invite to the wedding. Then saw on social media a post chasing people for their rsvp at the end of the month. Turns out I wasn’t invited.

no fall out, not an intimate family wedding. But that’s weird right to invite someone to the hen (especially a paid for one far away) and not to invite them to the wedding?

yabu-no it’s common
yanbu- yeah that’s weird and i wouldn’t go to the hen

OP posts:
WeAreWarriorsWeAreWarriors · 05/03/2024 22:14

Most of the time I am on the fence about these threads but being sent a save the date and it being a foreign hen has tipped it. It's so rude to uninvite you but expect you to go to the hen. I'd can it. Even if you lose the money you'd not lose the spending money. Then distance yourself.

tillytown · 05/03/2024 22:07

Is there a group chat for the hen do? Go on there, say you have been uninvited to the wedding so you'll be needing your money back. Then use that money to pay for your new dental work. And don't feel bad, you didn't uninvite yourself, the bride did.

LouOver · 05/03/2024 22:04

If other people have paid a good portion for you for the hen I can understand you being stuck but have you thought about how awful your going to feel at the hen when there talking about the wedding.

Can you ask if anyone else from the hen party is now uninvited?

morningsnig · 05/03/2024 22:02

A pre wedding local meal out + evening invite is fine.

A hen party abroad + evening invite, or no invite at all is bad manners

DorisDoesDoncaster · 05/03/2024 21:58

Would not dream of doing that to someone (unless they had done it me…)

Miniwinnie · 05/03/2024 21:56

Don’t go to the hen, just don’t turn up and if she asks where you are, just a simple “oh sorry, I should’ve told you”. Just so rude to not invite you but expect you to make up the numbers for the hen do.

MermaidMummy06 · 05/03/2024 21:54

I'd not leave the people who paid for your hen out of pocket. Just don't go.

Honestly, I don't know why people aren't more honest about how it makes them feel. Just say politely you are hurt after receiving a save the date then no invitation, no warning & going on the hen would be humiliating. A much needed dentist appointment has come up so you have to take that instead.

Tbh anyone still invited will scoff at you, but eventually they'll end up in the same shoes & rethink it. Only then will people start to change their behaviour.

senua · 05/03/2024 21:53

How can you not want someone at your wedding, but want them at the hen do?
Don't the hens normally cover the bride's costs on the hen-do ...

I'd be tempted to pull out, OP, and let them find someone to pay the balance of the costs take your place.

pootlin · 05/03/2024 21:52

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:49

I’ve paid part and they’ve covered the rest for me, so I’d feel harsh on them too

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What have they paid for with your money? Have they actually booked and paid for anything yet?

The person who needs to feel harsh is the bride.

I’d be asking her to refund you what you’ve already paid.

She’s made you accept her hen invitation under false pretences so she can look popular in her pictures. I doubt you would have accepted if you knew you weren’t invited to the wedding.

Whatever you do, do NOT pay them a penny more.

Broodywuz · 05/03/2024 21:51

Fuck that, I would not be going to the hen. Mainly just because I think it would be awkward, all speaking about the wedding and stuff and you're not even invited, no way. Do you know if everyone else invited to the hen is going to the wedding?
I think it is getting more common, having lots of people at hen parties then smaller wedding but i think people make that clear what's happening, to send a save the date then not invite you is just rude. I think it would actually be end of friendship for me.

ScotchPine · 05/03/2024 21:51

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/03/2024 21:45

Speechless!!! That's shocking behaviour!

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I know! I’ve seen all kinds of weird behaviour around wedding over the years though.

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I do think it’s bad form to expect you to spend money on the hen party abroad and then mislead you about the invitation. I think I’d be pretty annoyed and upset.

LoIaQ · 05/03/2024 21:51

100% fuck her right off

britneyisfree · 05/03/2024 21:50

I wouldn't want to go either. Seems people just use guests so they have a packed out hen but don't want to include them in the wedding. Ridiculous

Dontsayyouloveme · 05/03/2024 21:49

I’d be asking for my money back… but not until I’d booked that dentist appointment!! Then I’d be removing her from all my social media and mobile phone!

Catsmere · 05/03/2024 21:49

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:46

It was the ‘but you can still come to the hen though can’t you’ that made it seem like I wasn’t invited anymore…

honestly the dentist appointment looks more appealing

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I'd be telling her I have a better offer - a dentist's appointment! Best thing is, it's true.

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:49

pootlin · 05/03/2024 21:47

Definitely don’t go to the hen.

What have you spent the money on already, flights or accommodation?

Have you paid it to organiser?

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I’ve paid part and they’ve covered the rest for me, so I’d feel harsh on them too

OP posts:
pootlin · 05/03/2024 21:47

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:46

It was the ‘but you can still come to the hen though can’t you’ that made it seem like I wasn’t invited anymore…

honestly the dentist appointment looks more appealing

Show quote history

Definitely don’t go to the hen.

What have you spent the money on already, flights or accommodation?

Have you paid it to organiser?

Feeltoooldtostudybutdoingitanyway · 05/03/2024 21:47

Very rude, especially because of the save the date & the expensive abroad hen do.

I'm not inviting many friends to my wedding, our dc have additional needs & won't cope if we have loads of people there. A few friends have asked if they can come to my hen do instead & make that a real celebration- obviously dc won't be at it, so no worry about overwhelming them.

I had been worried people would be offended if they were invited to the hen & not the wedding, so was pleased they understood. But I think your situation is totally different & v rude.

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:46

LoIaQ · 05/03/2024 21:43

Could she have meant sorry I should have told you earlier....as in you are invited and I should have told you before now as you haven't heard from me since the save the dates went out....it just seems insanely cheeky otherwise

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It was the ‘but you can still come to the hen though can’t you’ that made it seem like I wasn’t invited anymore…

honestly the dentist appointment looks more appealing

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/03/2024 21:45

ScotchPine · 05/03/2024 21:25

You would think so, but I once received a ‘save the date’ and wasn’t invited. Turned out they were hedging their bets and they got in touch a couple of weeks before the wedding when other people had dropped out to try and fill the space!

Edited
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Speechless!!! That's shocking behaviour!

user1984778379202 · 05/03/2024 21:45

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:36

Usual hello how are you? Saw the Fb post for rsvps, how’s everything going and said I’d not heard anything since getting the save the date in the summer…

she said, usual greetings and then sorry, I should’ve told you (me) earlier and then asked about still coming to the hen

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How did you respond to that???

LoIaQ · 05/03/2024 21:43

Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:36

Usual hello how are you? Saw the Fb post for rsvps, how’s everything going and said I’d not heard anything since getting the save the date in the summer…

she said, usual greetings and then sorry, I should’ve told you (me) earlier and then asked about still coming to the hen

Show quote history

Could she have meant sorry I should have told you earlier....as in you are invited and I should have told you before now as you haven't heard from me since the save the dates went out....it just seems insanely cheeky otherwise

MidnightPatrol · 05/03/2024 21:40

@Numnumnumnums Is there a hen party thread?

I’d be childish and message it and say, sorry not coming now as it turns out X doesn’t actually want me at the wedding

PatchworkElmer · 05/03/2024 21:39

I think it is becoming more common but also think it’s flipping rude!!

Original poster
Numnumnumnums · 05/03/2024 21:38

Mrsphilmiller · 05/03/2024 21:32

Getting more and more common from what I read on MN.

Now I get it maybe for intimate weddings or religious minority weddings or destination weddings (but then don’t you still send the invite as a gesture?) but on a whole, how this if CF to the max

OP posts: