To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

Most of the ‘crazy dog people’ I know are parents, the majority are ‘empty nesters’ but not all. One of my relatives has two children who say they know their mum loves her dogs more than them and they can’t wait to move out. I don’t really get it, I think dogs are cute but I wouldn’t have one but if it’s not interfering in other relationships I think it’s nice that people have that love in their life and that the dog(s) are well looked after.

Having failed in the 'child free people will lead a sad life and die alone' market OP is now throwing her all behind the 'child free people only have dogs for company and, oh, aren't dog friendly cinemas something we can sneer at and fight over' schtick.

There is a hell of a lot about life that OP 'didn't know that was a thing'.

A media whippet 😂

@Senzafine

Here here!

I think as I have exemplified extended family can cause endless drama!

Some of my friends with kids live at considerable distance from family (for the time being). When having kids you go to baby/child groups, you can become involved in church, their hobbies, school community… tonnes of things that integrate you with others and there are usually good childcare options to allow you to go to work although many move to part time due to the cost.

In short if that is really what you want don’t be put off by lack of extended family. If you don’t want kids that is fine too - just work on getting out into the world and making connections with people - church, craft, fitness, youth and charity work, loads of options…

Mostly though, right now, you need therapy, self care, and to get more support dealing with your parents because it seems to be quite traumatic for you at the moment.

But for some reason she wants to do it only with people who have the life she originally wanted.

Yes, I have zero interest in other people's lives unless they affect mine. OP seems very keen to see into other people's brains and put them under a microscope.

I feel there is something seriously up with you. I get what you are implying: that there is something weird about not having kids but having a dog. Well, you have a dog too. It is a normal part of life to have pets - and is very different to being a parent, although many owners might disagree with me there.

it is a wonder to me that you who are at the heart of such a vibrant family life have any space in your mind to be so obsessed with people who are child free.

Hah that article is fun! Her partners " tight as a walnut backside". 😁

I’m pet free but their dog is cute and it’s always nice to hear about people treating their animals well when we so often hear the opposite.

@Strawberriesandpears it does sound like you have a high level of anxiety that you should get some help with. While not enough people think about retirement (the amount of women without a pension is shocking) being in your mid thirties and looking at retirement homes is not healthy. I'm 47 and while I have half an eye on the future, building up my pension, ensuring the house is paid off etc, I'm living in the moment, planning nice things, I'm touring the USA with my partner for my 50th. That's the kind of thing you should be thinking about. It's always good to have a life outside your family, whether you have children or not. I speak from experience as I did that and my husband left me and I had very few friends or a social life. But I got one. Meet up is a great web site where you can start on line first. Facebook usually has social groups you can join. There's a female only one where I live that I made some great freinds in. I also volunteer a lot and I took up open swimming! Live your life. Don't look at care homes. But I do think you should get storm counseling to help you through your anxious thoughts. You deserve it. Xx

I am so sorry for the anxiety you feel. I am hoping this comes across kindly, but I felt quite sad reading you would like a child but you were put off not having one due to not having extended family.

Children can still have so much support around them that isn't extended family and still have wonderful childhoods. I have two brothers, both who live close by. Neither have kids and they make zero (and I mean zero, no cards, visits or texts) with me and my family. My husbands sinling lives 3 hours away but we have a strong network of friends up here so we always feel supported.

Likewise my cousin is an only child and on that side of the family there is a number of us similar ages. While we got on, my only child cousin was far closer to her own friends and even when she got married, didn't invite any of the cousins to her wedding as she viewed her friends more like family. A lot of the times, chosen family can be better than the families we are born with.

I'm a parent and I wanted children but I have many friends who chose not to have kids and they all lead perfectly happy and full lives. No one should have kids because they fear they will be lonely but if you're only reason for not wanting children is due to a lack of extended family it may be worth exploring this anxiety with a counsellor perhaps. Wishing you all the best.

I was going to make the obligatory dickwad joke but the article has already done so 🤣

And I think it’s great for DINKWADery to be normalised.

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/4bf78dd7-fd6d-458a-8f66-12f7e1af1670?shareToken=28b0937f990b80f5d0f2ce31c775cf5f

@Strawberriesandpears you're very welcome, good luck!

@Catsmere Thank you. I do have a lot of hobbies and interests and I am looking into joining some groups. I have had some good suggestions on a previous thread actually. I have also been using Bumble BFF (only for a couple of months so far) and have been talking to a couple of people who have the potential to become good friends I think. One of them is also an only child and is in a very similar position to me actually. Thank you again.

@Strawberriesandpears apologies if this has been raised and I missed it, but are there any social/interest groups you'd be interested in joining near you? They can be a good way to ease into friendships, regardless of whether the other people have families. I'm in a couple of knitting groups run by my LYS, and while it's casual friendships it is friendship and socialising. I'm also effectively without family; my sister lives a continent away, I haven't seen or heard of my brother in over forty years (nor wish to) and my mother has just gone into care.

Thank you @Robinni for your kind messages.

I am having such a hard time with my mental health at the moment. I am so scared for the future. I want to form close bonds with people, but I just don't have the people to do that with. And I of course don't just want to take either, I really want to give. I feel I have nowhere to direct my love and I feel like an outsider in a world full of families.

If nothing else, this thread has provided innumerable examples of why OP's "question" was nonsense. Having children guarantees nothing about future relationships, loneliness, or whatever, and its main purpose seems to have been to insult those who've chosen not to have them.

@Strawberriesandpears

Sending you a huge virtual hug, please take good care of yourself and reach out for support - there may be charities related to your parents health conditions that can help not only with them, but in getting some support for you.

I hope your Mum and Dad have more better days, I really empathise 💐

@Strawberriesandpears

Well I mean nobody ever thinks of bringing a child into the world just to serve their needs in the last few months or years of life….

That would be silly. It’s very labour intensive and costs about 230k to raise a child to 18… never mind Uni, house, deposit, car, wedding etc.

I really wanted to have DC anyway, but perceiving my immediate family all going and some of them being regretful did sway me.

And I really don’t consider when you have a loving relationship with someone, be that a partner, relation or friend, that it’s unreasonable to expect that they might be there for you in your hour of need, just as you have been there for them.

The point is there wasn’t a deep and meaningful relationship between me and my relations, beyond them feeling entitled that because they saw the family a few times a year and were leaving their amassed fortune (swallowed by care homes) that we should all bow down.

If you have a loving, caring, reciprocal relationship with someone you are never an inconvenience. You have decades to form strong associations with people, even if you feel there aren’t that many now.

It would definitely be very important to get some further support right now for you with everything going on with your parents. It can really take its toll. Please take care.

Thank you for your latest reply @Robinni

I do agree that it isn't fair to land your issues on extended family. Personally I won't do that anyway as I have no extended family. I will be entirely alone. I find the prospect terrifying. But then I also find the prospect of bringing a child into the world just to serve my needs equally as horrifying, as well as selfish. So I can't really win. Sometimes I do wish I hadn't been born so that I don't have all these things to worry about and so that I don't have to inconvenience anyone at the end of my life.

@Strawberriesandpears

I feel you on the only child vibe. All my extended family are gone now. Bar one parent and distant cousins who I haven’t really had a proper relationship with for 20 years or so.

DH has a lot of family, they and our fabulous friends and their kids have formed the extended family and there’s a lot to be said around enjoyment in the nuclear family. Regards childcare there is a tonne and afterschools - many use this even if they have grandparents available.

I’m so sorry that your parents are declining and you’re finding this hard. Being an only child you form an incredibly close bond. I know it’s extremely traumatic to see them suffer and the stress and anxiety it causes.

I honestly am wishing you every strength and resilience for your parents and you. I hope you are able to prioritise some time for self care as it’s so important.

For my own part, I will do everything in my power to avoid my DC taking on any personal care role and I am frankly massively relieved that the only people they will ever have any responsibility to at all will be me and DH at most.

Please don’t worry so much and dwell on things that are potentially half a lifetime away. It’s astounding that you are younger than me but already saying you will never have a family and are saving for a retirement village….

Having kids is rewarding, but very draining in terms of physical, emotional and financial resources. There are so many wonderful things you could be embracing in life right now - albeit the situation with your parents is no doubt distressing and perhaps restrictive?

You have so much time to live and enjoy your life and so many meaningful connections to make along the way.

Everything does have a way of working out, just be realistic in planning.