To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

I don't have any children. DH has 2 older DC but I'm not close to them. Many friends have DC but they have gone to live overseas, or moved miles away and they rarely see them. One friend who is divorced and has one DD she's always been super close to, but the daughter now lives in Australia and is pregnant, so unlikely she will return. My friend sees her once a year.
Having children is absolutely no guarantee of company in later years.
I have friends, enjoy my own company and time with DH.
YABU, you can be lonely with or without DC. it's upto each individual to make their own lives.

And your post about life being pointless without children wasn't horrible at all? I'm sure some people who can't have yet want children felt great reading that.

Agree

'Be careful. It sounds like you are one of those women whose entire identify is tied up in their offspring. If things ever go wrong, you might feel extremely lost if your life lacks meaning in other ways.'

What a horrible post.

I have lots of meaning in my life, enjoy my career and lots of friends and family. But yes you are right I would be lost without my children...

Be careful. It sounds like you are one of those women whose entire identify is tied up in their offspring. If things ever go wrong, you might feel extremely lost if your life lacks meaning in other ways.

You realise it's quite a big world? And you can care deeply about the people in your life without having to birth and raise them yourself?

I'm always broke by the end of the month despite being childfree, just because I'm on a crap wage. So it's not about money and travel etc. It is about my life being my own. Long walks with DH, spontaneous plans, visiting friends, hobbies, lazy Saturdays. Currently I am working towards a new personal best for an upcoming half marathon. All those things give my life great meaning and I'm very happy with my lot.

Personally, I don't see any joy in the constant logistical battle of school runs and childcare and giving up the weekend to drop children off at various activities plus all the extra housework, lack of time to myself. That doesn't sound like much of a life to me. But I understand that's not the case for many people.

@nappyvalley2024 how many children do you have and how old are they?

Of course I do, but nothing compares to the joy of parenting.

@nappyvalley2024 do you think it is possible to see it all and do it all?
Do you really get no enjoyment from anything except when with your children?

And where to people who can’t have children fit into this so limited way of thinking that you have, @nappyvalley2024?

All of this is your opinion. Other people feel differently. This really shouldn't be difficult for a grown adult to understand.

If you don't have kids then what is the point, what is it all for? You can earn all the money in the world but surely all the holidays and spending gets boring once you've seen it all and done it all.

Having children is just one of the most amazing things. It's hard work and they do cost a lot, but so worth it.

@fitzwilliamdarcy That is dreadful.

@RhubarbGingerJam I agree. I was on a ward in my early 30s (suspected cancer, lifesaving hysterectomy) and we were not only all asked by the nurses if we had a family, but we overheard them talking about how much sadder the cancer cases were when it was a mum versus when it wasn't.

I've also seen what you talk about happen with older relatives.

@Lentilweaver My Dad (85) certainly talks about his regrets in life sometimes, perhaps it’s an inevitable consequence of being near the end of your journey? He knows that he’s got limited time and strength to do things differently. Everyone will have certain regrets in life about all manner of things. When he’s feeling grumpy he occasionally says that he regrets having me, which is so lovely to hear. 😂

I think if you are in a residential home and see someone else there being visited by loving children and spoilt a bit then it would be natural to wonder if you should have had children. But that is ignoring that your children may not have or rarely have visited. You may have had a child who needed life long care and even when you are in a home yourself you may worry about how well they are being cared for. Lots of less than ideal scenarios.

We all make decisions that we do not know how they will work out in the long run. Having children or not, getting married or not, making lots of friends or not - all can lead to a happy or unhappy life. We can only make the decisions that seem the best at the time.
I personally do not believe in making decisions that will be best for when I am extremely elderly and maybe in a home. For most people that is an extremely small part of their life.

@Lentilweaver I do actually agree with you too for the most part. I'm sure some people do feel less adamant about that - for others, it might be a job, travel opportunity, romantic partner etc. I suppose we'll find out when we're in our eighties!

Fair enough. I only meant that many people I know often think about the road not taken.

The one thing I have zero regrets about is choosing not to have children.

Me too - the primary thing, at least. I feel a sense of relief if I think about it.

I just think it’s odd that all these elderly childless women are confiding their regrets in you when that goes against all research into this area

If she working in NHs I can see why- they can make you feel shit for not having people on tap and fitting round their services. I had it lot with limited to no childcare while pg - at one point I was told had to have hospital birth and we said okay but DH would have to say with our existing kids - oh you won't be allowed to give birth without a birth partner .

Plus care can be so bad on some wards - honestly think without DMum and sibling who live nearby going in every day between them last couple of hospitals visits would have killed Dad.

DH uncle is estranged for his kids - after pressure to name some family member he put FIL down though they hadn't spoken in a few years - then FIL was dealing with hospital calls.

It's probably less regret more made to feel embarrassed for not fitting some ideal staff have in mind.

The one thing I have zero regrets about is choosing not to have children.

Even someone who is 90 today would only have been 5 or 6 when the war broke out! Far too young to have lost a partner during the war.

The women @JennyWren87 is talking about are 80 plus. When they were in their child bearing years having children was much more the expected norm. I imagine many of the women who didn't have children then couldn't have them rather than chose not to have them. I suppose they were of the generation (just) that might have lost partners in the war or couldn't find partners because so many men were killed during the war.

These women are more likely to regret not having children than those who are childfree by choice.

This is so thought provoking it needs a new thread. For many reasons, I have often been lonely in my life ( won't go into my circumstances; let's just say my life has been different from many on here). I fight very hard to deal with that, with varying degrees of success. I do distract myself with other people when I can.

Meanwhile, DH is completely different. He loves his own company, has very few friends, happy to be entirely alone ( also has a very stressy peoply job, which I don't).

My mum lives alone in another country , is widowed and is an absolute queen at dealing with loneliness. She has a million hobbies- gardening, travelling, music- tons of friends of varying ages, a cat, and some family she continues to visit. I am sure she does feel lonely though. I visit as often as I can, but essentially she is alone.

I’m not upset at all. I do wonder if you are projecting or leading conversations with your patients - and now you are projecting emotions onto me that I am not experiencing😂. These women regret having childre - I am ‘really upset’ yet all you see is some words typed on a thread.

I am simply curious as to why you are having this experience and I do wonder if you are framing conversations in a way to get this reaction from these patients., or exaggerating their responsess. That all. Maybe not - maybe you have an unusual group of patients.