To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

OP is not being unreasonable in the slightest, but all children should be able to have one on one time with their parents without the others feeling left out.

And that’s fine, but the father therefore needs to make time for his younger daughter and also his son too. He has 3 children to make quality time for, not just his eldest and not just his eldest as a reaction to this trip.

Of course it’s unfair. It’s irrelevant to your post what happens with your son because your post is about your step daughter. Your son is also younger (what age?) so hasn’t missed out on an 11th birthday trip yet.

I said that all the children should get similar over time, these kids are siblings and not step siblings as some have presumed even though it was clear in your post

Yes she’s a half sister as they share the same father.

Still, even as half sisters it still doesn’t mean they should be joined at the hip. Even OP’s DD’s full sibling (her brother) isn’t going on the trip. Because this trip isn’t about including everyone in the family. It’s about OP’s dd having a nice time with her mum and her friend while both siblings stay at home with their dad.

Its a birthday treat for your daughter.

She was given the option to choose someone to come with her, she's chosen a friend.

If it was your SD's birthday and she was offered the same and chose one of her friends would mum be moaning that step sister wasn't invited?

This is a birthday treat. As long as similar budgets are offered to all children for birthday treats then thats the top and bottom of it.

Not unreasonable at all.
You’re taking your own daughter and her friend on a Birthday trip that neither her younger sibling or Dad are going on.
seems crazy DSC mum thinks you should take her too when her own Dad isn’t going ?
also a fifteen year old would not want to spend time with two eleven year olds surely ?
It would be different and you were all going and leaving her out but it’s not the case.

I think it depends on the family dynamic, it’s not so much the father ‘making up for the actions of the step mother’ but just making sure both his daughters feel valued.

OP is not being unreasonable in the slightest, but all children should be able to have one on one time with their parents without the others feeling left out.

you don’t know what the DSD home life is like, whether she has new siblings or what her relationship with her mum is like, if her mum doesn’t prioritise her now and again the father should 100% make time for that, but a lot of the time in blended families step children don’t get one on one time anymore, they are just expected to fall in line with the priorities of the step families, and I think them seeing step siblings getting that when they don’t is something that should be addressed personally, but that would be down to her dad.

In addition to holidays with her mother I assume. When I was teaching children from divorced parents would often say that Parent A was giving them this so they've told Parent B that they have to do something similar. They also took a forensic interest in what their step siblings were getting, demanding the same! I know it can be difficult for them but some did very well out of the situation, twice as many holidays for example.

I agree you don't need to take DSD, but I'd still be aware of her hurt feelings, she may not have felt comfortable asking herself and has spoken to her mum about it, therefore it might not be something to tread lightly with. She may have hurt feelings which you can discuss and allay any fears of exclusion.

It would completely change the nature of the trip taking a 15 year old instead of 2 11 year old. A few years ago my younger two were 11 and 15 and it was quite difficult finding things they both enjoyed. Teenaged girls can be hard going sometimes ( I've had 3). Enjoy your trip.

shes a half sister which is quite different to being a step sister in terms of place in the family.

She's a half-sister not step-sister

It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

She's not her sister, she's a step sister. Even sisters sometimes get different things, especially for birthdays. The mother had no right to call and whinge at the OP about her, the OP's, daughter's birthday present!
The MN mantra regarding step children seems to be that where treats are concerned the step parent has to treat all children equally, however the step parent is not allowed to discipline all the children equally.

To those of you saying DH should take DSD on a similar trip... why?

It's clearly a mother daughter & a close friend trip. They might even do stuff that DSD isn't particularly interested in - so she could potentially spoil the trip.

I don't think it's got anything to do with DSD or her mum.

When it comes to blended families, sometimes you just can't treat each child exactly the same. That's a life lesson to learn.

Maybe ask her parents that? It’s not the OP’s problem what her SD’s mum or dad did for her birthday, she’s treating her daughter alone. It’s simply not a comparable situation and the OP’s daughter shouldn’t miss out on a trip because someone else daughter didn’t get the same for hers.

I’m normally straight on to step parents as a lot of them as so short sighted as to how their actions affect others.

But I’d say the situation you’ve described is perfectly fine, and you’d literally be inviting you DSD ‘for the sake of it’ rather than because it’s what anyone wants, if DSD was your older daughter it would still be the same, it’s up to DD to choose who she wants to go with as it’s a treat specifically for her.

if there’s a larger pattern of you purposely doing things without your DSD or your DSD feeling like she isn’t part of the family, then it’s something to look at in general. The fact that she’s gone back to her mum and told her she doesn’t feel included could be symptomatic of a larger pattern of her feeling that way because I would expect a near 16 year old to understand that this is a mum/daughter trip, not a family trip for everyone. Just some food for thought.

I do think your husband should probably try and do something similar, without you and your DD, with DSD for her birthday though.

No, the equivalent would be for DSD’s mum to do something similar with dsd. Not her dad.

The OP’s husband is father to both girls so he owes it to both of them to treat them to a trip if he’s going to book something.

I never understand this need for the father to “make up for” the stepmum taking her child somewhere. It doesn’t make any sense. Yes they are both his children, but they’re not both hers. There is nothing to make up for.

Ask ex if her daughter will be giving 50% of her birthday presents to her half-siblings?

Yanbu. Your DD wants her friend there which is understandable! Kids do tend to want to spend time with their friends over their siblings! They will have an amazing time and what fabulous memories to look back on together.

And her wishes trump everyone who wants DSD to go. It’s her birthday and she has her own mind. She should be able to make a decision which is right for her instead of being a people
pleaser.

DSD’s mother is a CF trying to alter your daughter’s birthday. Why should your daughter compromise her happiness to protect dsd’s mum’s wounded feelings?

And dsd doesn’t even need to be hurt either. She will only be hurt if the adults plant it in to her head to be hurt. Her father isn’t going, and her sister is going away with her mum and friend. Nothing unfair about it. Dsd’s mum can be booking her own trip for dsd and one of dsd’s friends and then dsd gets a trip too if she her mum feels so strongly about it.

Her mum doesn’t get to trample all over your DD’s birthday trip and you should make that clear to her. Tell her to fuck off.

That would be a very long text! I can't help feeling that 'butt out' would be shorter and more to the point.

I do think your husband should probably try and do something similar, without you and your DD, with DSD for her birthday though.

Why? This is nothing to do with the DH.
OP is taking her DD. DSD has her holidays with her own DM.

The one not getting a holiday is OP's DS.

People on here can be so contrary and downright ridiculous at times.

If it was the SD mum on here posting that her ex's wife expected her to take her daughter on a mum/daughter birthday trip, the current wife would be getting called a CF.

It's not a family holiday, the OP has every right to spend her own money on her children however she wants. The SD's mum can do the same with her. Additionally a 4 year age gap at that age is huge, and changes the whole dynamic. If it's a family holiday you roll with that, not when it's a specific birthday treat.

This is crazy. It's a birthday treat for DD and one extra invitee, of course she doesn't need to invite DSD rather than her best mate. A four year age gap is pretty big at that age, and I can imagine the trip might be dominated (or at the very least significantly changed) by DSD being there.

Did DSD and her DM kick off when DSD wasn't included in pass the parcel and musical chairs at parties when the younger two were little?! Or as @Nanny0gg says, did DSD always get a present on the others' birthdays, and if so were they the exact same as the others got? I didn't see your DS's age OP but I can just imagine how much DSD would have appreciated a kiddy colouring book or something as a tween/teen 😅

DSD's birthday treat is a separate issue and doesn't even need to be discussed right now. And when it is, that should primarily be a discussion between her actual parents.

To me it sounds like more a case of her DM is prepping her DD to be envious about these things and dripping poison in her ear about her step-mum and step-sister. Which is completely unnecessary and pathetic behaviour.

Doh, that went right over my head - I'm usually much quicker than that!

That's a given, obviously, depending on finances.