To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

Your youngest and DH aren't going either, so it's not a stepkids v bio kids battle. You simply say your DD got to choose someone to bring and she chose her best friend. That's fine. It's a treat for her birthday. Sometimes I feel that stepkids get included to the bio kids' detriment, and that's not fair. StepDD has a mum and dad, and stepparents to treat her, your DD only has you and her dad.

But in this case the other (bio) DD isn’t coming either! It’s not that the DSD is being excluded while the rest of the family go away…

It's nothing to do with any "connection".

The SD gets uninterrupted time on holiday with her own mother.

OP is NOT her mother.

The OP wants to take her own daughter on holiday for some uninterrupted mother daughter time, which SD already gets on her trips with HER mother.

When she goes away with HER mother, her half siblings from her father rightly don't go.

But she's trying to insist that her half sibling doesn't get the same experience with her own mother. It's not up to her to dictate what experiences her step mother gives to her own daughter. She's not an orphan, she's got a mother who indulges her already (and a father and a step mother who seems to be doing a really good job given past birthday gifts and experiences). Why should OPs dd miss out on quality individual time with her Mum when SD doesn't?

I can see why you are saying that, @Idontjetwashthefucker, and I don't disagree with you - but the OP did say she was going to talk to her stepdaughter, so I suggested she talk to her dh first so there is some sort of plan in place before she speaks to the SD. I just think the conversation may go better if it's not just 'You aren't going and this is why' but also 'And this is what we want to do for your birthday'.

If you like DSD tell her mum she can pay for her to come on the trip. You can leave it implied that your DD's friend is paying her own way if you haven't already said otherwise.

If you don't like her you don't have to explain yourself or do anything different.

FGS this is not a post about step siblings being treated differently! Maybe if both OP and DH and both their children together were going it would be, but this is dd birthday treat with her friend! Does dsd mum take her anywhere or with a friend without her step siblings? Of course she does. Next time dsd mum takes her anywhere, insist she take your dcs! No, you wouldn’t do that, because it’s ridiculous!

I'd reply to the mum

"I have two children. I am taking one of them away for their birthday, and the other one is staying home. Dh has three children. He is not taking any of his children on holiday. I fail to see how my actions have anything to do with you. If you feel that dh is treating his three children unfairly, in relation to your shared child, I suggest you take it up with him"

You don’t owe CF ex any explanation, justification or headspace. Your DD is none of her business. Stop fretting and set some boundaries, OP.

It's fine. Your son isn't going either. My sister recently took her DD on a city trip leaving her two DSs at home with DH

DSD probably wants to go to Rome and is jealous, that's fine we all get jealous when people go to nice places. It'd be different if DS + DH were going with your, then I would think DSD should go.

I don't follow the logic of posters who point out that the step daughter's mother doesn't take OP's daughter away. Of course she doesn't, OP's daughter isn't part of that family, she has no connection to her step sister's mother. But the step sister has a strong connection to OP, having been her step daughter for many years.

Why have you asked if you are being unreasonable taking a friend instead of DSD when you disagree with anyone who says that you are?

So that's on SD mum to do yes. If dad did something for SD and not the others then that's unfair on OPs DC. So the fairest thing of all is the children's own DMs doing it separately for each child, and if dad does something it then applies to all DC. No?

Yes, any of the children should be able to have one on one time with parent/s without the others and it not be a problem.

my point is, OPs two children have both their parents present to have one on one time with easily. If the DSD is not really getting that in either household because of limited time/new family dynamics then her dad and mum should be addressing that as a separate issue. A lot of the time it is accidentally overlooked and causes jealousy/resentment which could be the case here.

the solution isn’t for op to have to take her with them, it’s to make sure she feels prioritised every now and again too so all the kids feel valued.

suggesting she needs a trip or something of an equal value is ridiculous, she just needs to feel like she has the full attention of her parents every now and again.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 , she's a half-sister. A step-sister would have two parents that were not shared with her step-sibling.

Prince William has two step-siblings, Tom and Laura. No shared parents, but PW's DF is married to their DM.

Wilf Johnson has lots of half siblings and 2 full siblings

For those querying the DC getting gifts on each others birthdays my DDs are 24 & 22 and my in-laws still get them gifts on each others birthdays - they did it for ex-H & his sister too.

It drove me nuts at first but I decided long ago it wasn't the hill I wanted to die on but it's definitely a thing in some families.

But the SD has already had trips to France, Spain & America with HER mother as well as an upcoming holiday to Greece with her too. And OPs kids weren't invited, nor should they be.

Why can't OP's daughter have ONE trip with own mother without SD complaining? Seems that the SD has already had far more!

They aren't full siblings they are half siblings. My half sibs and I have had vastly different experiences growing up. That's life I'm afraid and we're all understanding.

We've all both got two parents.

Seems like SD is expecting to be spoiled with separate holidays by all three adults.

She gets mother daughter time without OPs kids there.

Ops daughter is every bit entitled to the same.

It is. All the adults decided to blend families. All the adults need to make sure all the children are treated fairly.

This isn't relevant to the op after the drip feed but the general point still stands.

With respect, it's not OP's job to facilitate this - why can't her mother and father do that?

@paintingvenice , she's not a step-sister, she's a half-sister.
Both girls have the same father.

Sorry wrote it wrong

The world has gone crazy, a mother can take her daughter away for her birthday 🙄

Why is it just you paying for the trip and not her dad contributing at all. Of course the step sister shouldn’t go. You don’t take on financial responsibility for someone else’s kids. She has two parents already to provide for her, if they want her to go on holiday they can take her and pay for it!!!!

It sounds absolutely fine. I regularly take one of my children away and not the other. And to be fair, this isn't even your child! I think it would be different if it was dh taking both of your dc together away and leaving out his dd. But I'd turn it over to your dh and dsd's mum to work out a time between them when dh could take his dd away for her birthday.

As your step daughter is nearly 16, @2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3, maybe your dh and her mum could organise something special for her 16th - it is a bit of a milestone birthday, I think.

If you talk to your dh about this before you talk to your sd, and you can say to her "The trip to Rome is Mabel's birthday treat, so she gets to choose who goes with her, but your dad and I have been talking about your upcoming 16th, and would like to organise something special for that - maybe a similar trip."

Hopefully a nearly 16-year-old will be able to appreciate the sense of what you are saying and will see that she hasn't been forgotten. And nearly 16 is perfectly old enough to understand delayed gratification.