To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

I think it’s because when you take the man out of the equation (and he isn’t going on the trip so is technically out of the equation in these circumstances), they are both just two mums concentrating on their own respective children. OP just as much as the ex.

I know, I know.. regardless of whether the father is coming the op still has a relationship with dsd. BUT, I do think that when the father isn’t going on these trips it does make both women equal in terms of whether they choose to invite each other’s children. Hence the sort of valid point, “Is she gonna take your child then?”

@2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3

He just rolled his eyes and said silly cow. That was it.

Well that's refreshing - usually expect the father in these situations to try and persuade the stepmother to listen to the mother and include/pay for the stepchild. Enjoy your holiday away with your daughter and her friend. 🌹

Wow. Your SD & her mum sound ridiculously entitled.

You're doing something special with your daughter. It's none of their business. Your daughter wouldn't expect to be included if they were doing a mother/daughter trip would she? It's ridiculous! You absolutely don't need to take SD or feel guilty about it.

‘Singularly one of the most vile and hateful things I’ve ever read on MN’

Once again, that's not the point posters are trying to make.

It's that SD and her mother frequently have holidays just the two of them with no half siblings.

But OPs daughter shouldn't be allowed that same type of holiday with her mum according to SD and her mother.

SD doesn't want her half sister having a holiday with her actual mother, when she gets them all the time. And for her stepmother to fund it out of her own overtime and hardwork. SD already has two parents who take her on holidays, but now she wants her stepmum to take her on separate holidays as well, when OPs kids don't get three lots of holidays.

No one is actually suggesting that OPs kids should go on holiday with their father's ex wife. The point is that both SD and her mother are being very meanspirited towards OP and her daughter, not to mention grabby and they want things to be unequal for OPs kids with no intention of ever returning the favour.

It's not wrong though

One of the things I find odd is how many people are comparing DSD’s mum taking OP’s children to OP taking DSD. That seems a really odd comparison. As if a step mum should have the same relationship with her step kids that a mum does with her ex husbands kids that she’s probably never even met. I don’t think OPs being unreasonable here but I just find that comparison strange.

What has your husband said about these messages from his ex - does he think she's in the wrong, or has he tried to talk to you about taking DSD?

YANBU - it's your daughter's trip, she wanted the friend with her, take the friend and enjoy it, but maybe your husband should be the one to handle it with DSD and with his ex (whether that involves a separate trip for DSD or not).

@Screamingabdabz I agree - what a horrible post.

This is singularly one of the most vile and hateful things I’ve ever read on MN. If this is the way some of you genuinely feel about teenage girls in your families it makes me want to weep for them.

And as if you'd take your DSD whilst leaving your own son at home. Madness.

The fact that OP is taking only one of her biological children and the father isn’t going is what makes the ex super unreasonable. If they were all biologically the OP’s, then I wonder if the “you’re so unreasonable” gang would be saying the same thing. It’s ok to treat children differently because they are different. Clearly the DSD would like a birthday trip and it’s her birthday coming up so should ask her parents. She shouldn’t be forced to invite her younger sister either.

I'd text this to your DSD's Mum. Also staying that I was personally paying for my own DD's birthday treat and paying for her friend to go as part of birthday treat. But when her own DD had a birthday she could also sort out a birthday treat for her.

Lots of posters on here seem determined to find the OP and her DH in the wrong, and the DSD and her mum in the right.

As someone with no particular axe to grind - I'm not a stepmother myself, I didn't have any step-parents and my dc doesn't have any step-parents either - it seems really obvious to me that the DSD and her mum are being utterly unreasonable. This trip has nothing to do with the DSD's father - it has been organised and paid for by her step-sibling's mother. The DSD's mother is free to do the same for her daughter.

I can only assume that those taking the DSD and her mum's side are doing so because they are projecting in some way.

Yeah exactly. It will probably be the trip of a lifetime (to date!!) for the 11y/o as it'll be centred around her and what she wants to do, she gets to have her bestie there and feel a bit more grown up and gets quality time with her mum. None of these things would apply, at least to the same extent, if she's forced to take her older sibling instead of best mate.

In real terms though how is Rome the trip of a lifetime?! The DSD has had plenty of holidays and I can't see a European city break with her kid sister and DSM as something particularly special, lovely though I'm sure it'll be! It's not like they're off for two weeks island hopping in Thailand or on a safari or doing all the parks etc in Florida or whatever.

It’s nothing to do with the father. What should he do? Stamp his feet and demand that his wife upsets one of his dd’s and funds a trip by herself for her dsd? A child that has her own mother and is permitted to spend time with her without her stepsister kicking off? Both dd’s are being treated equally by their own dm’s which is right.

Absolutely not in our blended situation. DH pays maintenance and for his DC out of his salary - that’s not for the joint pot. I don’t work for my SDC, same as their DM doesn’t work for my DC.

It’s up to them how they choose to manage their finances. This is a second relationship for the dh so it may well be more practical to keep things separate. I wouldn’t be blending finances if I was to marry again (which I wouldn’t).

And you don’t always have to travel together as a family. I often take dd away to London for a weekend by herself. Ds doesn’t come along as he isn’t really interested in the theatre and shopping, His dad may take him somewhere different for a treat or more likely he’ll have money to go out with his mates. The dad and db are not going on this trip so why should dsd when it’s a special trip for dd. I very much doubt the dsd’s mum will be rushing to take op’s dd on holiday with her and her dd and I don’t think she should be stirring the pot unnecessarily.

Apologies if I missed it in the thread but DSD15 presumably did not have a similar treat for her 11th birthday and so immediately reverts to feeling its not fair and a ‘I should get to go rather than the friend’ mentality. Clearly that’s not logical given the different circumstances but teenagers are (generally) not known for being particularly nuanced about life situations, it’s very black and white in their eyes.

Either way it’s not OPs problem. She hasn’t done anything wrong or been unfair at all, and it seems like it would be an odd arrangement for DSD to join them given it’s not a family holiday. DH needs to discuss with DSD’s mum and stop this nonsense in its tracks. There will be birthdays / another occasion where they can do something special for DSD but it’s up to them to deal with that, not OP.

He isn’t though. She has paid with her money and made a choice for her daughter’s birthday. Why should he get to veto what she does with her daughter? Or her money?

should he refuse to watch his younger kid?

The trip of a lifetime? Hardly

Do you seriously think OP's children shouldn't get to celebrate their birthdays so not to upset OP's DSD? Really? Christ I've seen some bullshit on this site regarding stepmums before but this is the worse on by far. You don't think children born after the Stepkids should have birthdays?

Agreed. It's as if the younger kids must lose out and be denied any solo experiences with their mum for having the audacity to exist when their dad has another child already 🙄

I wouldn’t even acknowledge the request. If she wants her daughter to have a mother-daughter trip to Rome then she’s welcome to sort that out herself.