To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

Why are people saying the DH should be doing an equivalent trip with DSD? DD is going with her mum, she’s not getting a trip with her dad. Why does he only have to take his older DD somewhere and not the other mum?

The obvious solution is for DSD own mother to take her away for her birthday.

There's a bio sibling who isn't going, plus the shared parent is not involved.

Usually I’d say it’s unfair to leave a step child out, however it’s your daughters birthday treat not a family holiday. It’s down to her choice. She could have presumably chose step sibling but she wanted a friend, that should be end of the matter x

Would you feel equally sorry for the OP's 11yo if her 15yo stepsister went away with her own mum, and didn't invite the 11yo with them?

If dad was taking the 11yo on holiday, then I get why people would think that any other children should also be invited along or taken on an equivalent trip. Because the dad should not favour one of his children over the other.

But these girls both have mums. Why should the dsd be entitled to everything that the OP does for her daughter as well as everything that her own mum does for her? I'm pretty certain that the dsd's mum will not be expected to reciprocate for the 11yo and her younger brother.

Blended families are hard because they will always be inherently unfair. Unfortunately, that's just a fact.

I'd actually tell DSDs mum that your travel plans are private. Literally nothing to do with her.

The nicest thing would be for her Dad Mum to take her and a friend on a comparable trip for her 16th.

I think it's easy to forget how much siblings compare how their parents treat them and are on the look out for favouritism. It must be doubly so when you have half siblings.

As rational adults, you are not being unreasonable. But a 15 year old is probably going to be quite gutted that her own Mum and Dad didn't take her on a birthday trip at that age, and/or would just love to go to Rome. Completely understandable.

The nicest thing would be for her Dad to take her and a friend on a comparable trip for her 16th.

This is your reply if you need to send one.

Hi ex wife.
Sorry you must have misunderstood.
This is not a family holiday.
It is DD's birthday gift .
Paid for by me, not sure what hubby is getting her.
Will let DSD know any plans we have for a family holiday this year so she can decide if she wants to go.
Thanks x

Presumably DSD and her mum don't invite OPs daughter along to everything thry do together. It it totally fine/normal for a parent to do something with one child for a birthday treat and for that child to choose who to take with them. The fact that the younger sibling is not going makes DSD even more unreasonable.

As others have said, will DSD be inviting her 11 year old step sister along to her 16th birthday celebrations? I would be extremely surprised if the answer is yes.

What you are doing is fine, if the mother wants things to be equal then she needs to take her daughter and her friend on holiday.

Your DSD’s mother can take her away for a trip if she wants to pay for it herself.

I would have shut this on the head straight away. It's your DDs trip for her birthday and she is entitled to invite who she wants. Apart from anything else the age gap is big, can't believe DSD would invite your DD if it was the other way round!

It's none of DSDs or her mother's business who is paying. I simply wouldn't enter into a conversation about it. Children do not need to know everything, it's often better they don't. I also don't believe you have to justify yourself to her.

DSD and her mother are entitled to do what they like without involving your DD and the same goes for you. Is DSD always so demanding?

No yanbu! If she was home for her birthday and you threw a big party she would invite her friends and I highly doubt dsd would have any interest whatsoever with a bunch of 11 year olds! This is no different you’ve invited a friend to celebrate a birthday! The end.

I wouldnt continue to even think about it!

Enjoy your trip with the girls sounds amazing.

DSD mum has a lot to answer for here. You're not doing anything wrong. If ex wife takes DSD away are you going to text her and ask why she isn't taking your DD and DS? Ridiculous. Your OH needs to speak to DSD about this. And ex wife.

I don’t think YABU but I do think your husband should do a similar trip for DSD and a friend.
its really hard being a stepchild, at that age you don’t see the realities of it - e.g mum just taking her daughter for a birthday treat, it’s very easy to feel rejected and trips like this amplify it. DSDs mum is probably just looking out for an upset girl and trying to protect her.
I can see both sides, but I do think it wouldn’t hurt for step parents in general to sometimes try and picture themselves in their step daughters position, as an already hormonal teen and see if it helps them look at these feelings from a place of empathy.

Oh please! A mum is taking her child away for a birthday treat. SD has a mum and I'm pretty sure she does stuff with the mum that birthday girl doesn't get to be involved with.
I take my DD to London to see shows, its our thing. DSD doesn't come along- this weekend DSD went on a trip with her mum, my D didn't go, see how this works - mum's doing things with their child!

Bit harsh, if OP is actually in the SD's life it's not beyond reason she'd take an interest in what her step daughter does for her birthdays

@ybotsemaj not OP's problem.

What did the 15 year old do for her 11th birthday though

If this was a trip with all your children, excluding DSD, especially bringing another unrelated kid. That would be really bad. But you're leaving your own kid at home.

This is you and one DD.

So long as DSD has the same option for her birthday, to go away with a friend with either her dad or you. It's fair.

It doesn't matter who is paying. DD is perfectly entitled to have a friend rather than a sister, blood or step, on her birthday trip, as long as OP is willing to take the friend. It's no more to do with DSD than it would be to do with a different friend who wasn't chosen. Weird that a 15 year old wants along on an 11 year old's trip anyway.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Your DSD has her own mother. If it was your DSD and her mother going, would your DD be invited?

Obviously only you know the family dynamic but you've been in this girl's life for at least 11 years, since she was little. That's enough time for family norms to be established. I appreciate her dad could have taken her away for a birthday trip when she was that age but presumable funds or inclination didn't allow, but that's not his elder daughter's fault.

I don't think she should have been the automatic choice for this trip but I can see how she sees the inequity that exists in an established family.