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Original poster

To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

430 replies

Chunkychips23 · 03/03/2024 09:21

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

OP posts:
Diamondcurtains · 03/03/2024 22:27

She’s batshit crazy.

Butchyrestingface · 03/03/2024 22:24

It’s hard because prior to this, she was fantastic. A little bit of a worrier at times, but we had such a good relationship.

What you've subsequently described though puts me in mind of the frequent story you hear from women whose partners morphed into abusive monsters - oh, but he was as nice as pie until I got pregnant/the baby came and then out came the cloven hoof...".

Perfectly nice until they've got you in a vulnerable position and then the gloves come off and you see the real person behind the mask. And it may be the person you're seeing now IS the real her - the person you knew before was just an act. Sad

BrightLightdarklight · 03/03/2024 22:20

Fuck that. She wouldn’t cross my threshold again. Never let her be alone with your baby

samqueens · 03/03/2024 21:56

Agree she seems to be carrying her own trauma around young babies/breastfeeding etc which she is projecting. Not your problem. She has a MASSIVE chip on her shoulder. Pity and ignore.

There might be more things like this that you weren't exposed to or didn’t notice before you had your own baby, but which will now be coming your way. Perhaps she just hates the new permanence of your relationship with her son - she will no longer be given saviour status if you and he are doing well with your baby and the SC…

Frankly, as there are other children to consider, I would simply ignore, try to keep her at arm’s length and simply say “this is my choice” if absolutely pushed. (Your husband’s comment about her behavior around new grandchildren suggests she has form for this or similar).

But if there is event one more issue that she starts fixating/criticising on I’d call it and minimize contact as best I could.

In the meantime I’d also try and disabuse myself of any idea you can get your relationship back... She is showing you who she is, and the dragging other people into it/entitlement/catty comments etc etc are all unforgivable. Don’t ever confide anything to her - she is not to be trusted. Awful.

SerafinasGoose · 03/03/2024 21:15

Chunky: you are a great mum. You're also a better and far more forbearing DiL than your MiL deserves.

It's a very hard realization to come to terms with that your relationship with your in-laws is as it is, rather than as you'd ideally want it to be. It's all the more difficult when you had a positive relationship before. But this is who she is. For whatever reason, she's simply chosen not to show her teeth until now and the birth of a garndchild evidently triggers this behaviour, since your DH says she has form for it. Once they're set on this path, the unfortunate precedent is that they don't change.

It also isn't that unusual. I've lost count of the number of threads I've read on MN where the DiL claims to have had no issues in her relationship with her MiL - until children came into the picture. This was the point at which, for whatever strange reason was setting them off, they became overnight monsters.

Your desire for your daughter to maintain a good relationship with her grandparent is commendable. In most cases this is beneficial to a child, but if MiL is as toxic as she sounds, there may come a point where this is no longer the case. If she's this intent on undermining your parenting to your face, she might have no compunction about doing the same thing to your daughter.

Unfortunately I'd be keeping a wary distance and reducing - but not eliminating - contact with her. Given the circumstances, this is about more than setting boundaries. It's a simple matter of self-preservation.

outnumbered1987 · 03/03/2024 21:02

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would have a proper chat with her but show her the literature about the actual benefits of breastfeeding a baby. Not only is it lovely for bonding and really convenient, there are so many health benefits for you and baby!
Surely she wants these benefits for her grandchild?!
Please don’t let her taint such a special part of your life. Sending hugs.

Mumstheword37 · 03/03/2024 21:01

Why the fuck are you not telling her to fuck off. You need to grow a thick skin and a big gob when you have opinionated in laws. You need to tell her to fuck off and so does your husband. Please do so as she will only get worse. You teach people how to treat you.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/03/2024 20:59

She would not be setting foot in my house until she apologized and stopped. DH need to tell her this immediately. She obviously has some feelings about not being able to breastfeed herself. There is no way I would put up with this twice, let alone for as long as you have, you have the patience of a saint. To be charitable to DH, he may be trying and not getting very far, but he needs to step up too.

Tlittle · 03/03/2024 20:51

I would go no contact she sounds horrible.

Dabdab1 · 03/03/2024 20:51

She sounds absolutely vile and she’s lucky you still communicate with her at all

ElbiTut · 03/03/2024 20:43

I have to admit I only red the first post and it got me so furious that I have no desire to read 10 pages before writing something, because there isn't absolutely anything that can justify your MIL's behaviour.

Why do you feel the need to remain on good terms with her is beyond me.
This woman does not wish you or your child any good. She is actually dangerous and slowly but surely approaching the point where you should not consider leaving your child alone with her.

Who knows - she may be feeling like a failure that she was unable to breastfeed - maybe se also had a devil of a MIL making her feel like sh*
Regardless, obviously she can't stand the fact that you in comparison are able to breastfeed - and is trying to sabotage you. The fact she is even comparing you to yourself and how she did things is also a sign that she has some deeply rooted issues.

She is being disrespectful, bitter (the comment isn't breastmilk supposed to yada yada ..) and frankly out of control.

As a new mum, who struggled to breastfeed in the beginning, I am so grateful for all the lovely midwifes who pushed me to continue to try and breastfeed regardless the fact I was already giving my baby formula (he couldn't latch properly and was loosing weight fast very soon after birth so I went in with formula because similarly like you I think both is absolutely fine).
I was able to switch to EBF at some point.
I know how difficult it was, and I just cannot comprehend that someone would actively sabotage you.
Not to mention that her communication style is straight up bullying. Distance yourself from that woman asap.

WannabeMum22 · 03/03/2024 20:41

Balloonhearts · 03/03/2024 09:35

I wouldn't be having a conversation about it. I'd be telling her to get the fuck out of my house and forget about ever seeing her grandchild again unless she learned some bloody manners and showed me some respect.

Then I'd be telling DH to man the fuck up and get her told. That's his wife she is abusing at a very vulnerable time and he is supposed to protect you! If he isn't willing to then he would find himself living with his vile mother until he grows up a bit and starts acting like a husband and father.

Edited

This is the only correct response. This woman is a vile lunatic who needs to stay the hell away from you and your baby until she gets into some kind of counselling, takes accountability for being a nasty bitch and sincerely apologises.

MikeRafone · 03/03/2024 20:38

I thought my MIL would be as supportive as ever

Thats the way I would tackle this

Id say gosh I really had thought you'd be supportive of me breast feeding, its knocked me for 6 how negative you've been over the most natural thing in the world. Id have loved it if you had had my back over this, thought it would help us be closer

So disappointed in how negative you've been, id have thought it'd would be the step children - really a turn up its you thats so negative on breast feeding.

Makes me so sad your views on breast feeding, I could have done with support and thought it would bring us closer together.

None of the comments are rude, you're not saying she's done anything wrong - but it is saying her behaviour has shocked you and she's missed out on forging a stronger relationship due to her views

dripping these comments into each visit one by one may give her food for thought, youre sad, you want to be close to her and has she missed the boat...

AInightingale · 03/03/2024 20:37

The MIL in this case is exceptionally hostile, but sadly negative reactions and constant, undermining carping from relatives are not uncommon. Maybe this thread should be printed out and given to health professionals to help explain the barriers bf mothers face and why the breastfeeding rates in the UK remain so low...

Starspangledrodeopony · 03/03/2024 20:34

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 09:24

DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

how utterly spineless. his wife is being bullied and he’s doing squat all.

This. A million times.

That woman is a CUNT.

She’d not be seeing me ever again, and as I was breastfeeding, as a result, there’s no way she’d be seeing my baby again. She’s a fucking lunatic and your weak husband is failing you.

onawave · 03/03/2024 20:20

@Whereshallwelivee I took it and took it and took it and one day just thought nope, bollocks to this and let her have it. Funnily enough on the rare occasions we have to be in the same room these days she doesn't say much 😂

Whereshallwelivee · 03/03/2024 20:15

WordInYourShellLike · 03/03/2024 20:09

@Whereshallwelivee Fair enough, you make a good argument! I've had largely good experiences when writing letters to address a difficult situation but then I guess I've never had to deal with a situation like OPs or with a person as unhinged as her MIL so I think I'll withdraw my advice at this point!

I’ve just been unlucky enough to have been on the receiving end of some absolutely terrible people and their odd agendas in life. I always err on the side of caution putting anything in writing!

I’ve learned to never underestimate how someone can twist things to their own advantage.

WordInYourShellLike · 03/03/2024 20:09

@Whereshallwelivee Fair enough, you make a good argument! I've had largely good experiences when writing letters to address a difficult situation but then I guess I've never had to deal with a situation like OPs or with a person as unhinged as her MIL so I think I'll withdraw my advice at this point!

MindfulGrateful · 03/03/2024 20:08

How bizarre!

She's feeling jealous and insecure for some reason. Maybe what previous poster said about that generation being pushed to formula feed. She's also misinformed, if she really believes those things she says.

I doubt you'll be able to break through her issues whilst your little one is still a baby as it sounds like this triggers her, but it's kind of you to consider it.

Onelittleone216 · 03/03/2024 20:07

Oh this makes me feel so sad!! Breastfeeding is such a wonderful thing to do for your baby. Well done for sticking to your guns and ignoring her horrible horrible comments.
If you genuinely think this is out of character and not like your normal relationship, I think you should be honest about how upsetting you find her comments. If she’s a good person who cares about you then she’ll stop. If she doesn’t stop then you and your husband know where you stand, and you can take measures to reduce contact.

Lucyccfc68 · 03/03/2024 20:03

Time to do what should have been done right at the start - forget about upsetting her - just tell her to mind her own business. Time to start standing up for yourself and your child.

Whereshallwelivee · 03/03/2024 19:58

WordInYourShellLike · 03/03/2024 19:54

@Whereshallwelivee Fair enough, that may well happen. But couldn't that also happen in a face to face? At least in a letter there's written evidence of what has been said, especially if OP took a copy before sending?

I’ve just had bad experiences with letters. The person showing other people the “lies” I had written etc, further proving I was a monster.

At the end of the day, she sounds like a cow for treating OP as she has done. if my son and his gf were to have a baby, I could not ever, ever imagine acting that way towards her. It’s just cruel, nasty and downright stupid behaviour.

Reminds me of my ex MIL, similar situation, I wrote a letter and it was shown to everyone as proof of my lies etc etc.

Some people always think they are in the right, and love any excuse to play the victim. A letter full of things they can tell people are lies or slights against them is their dream come true.

WordInYourShellLike · 03/03/2024 19:54

@Whereshallwelivee Fair enough, that may well happen. But couldn't that also happen in a face to face? At least in a letter there's written evidence of what has been said, especially if OP took a copy before sending?

Whereshallwelivee · 03/03/2024 19:49

WordInYourShellLike · 03/03/2024 19:25

Apologies if this has already been suggested (I haven't had time to read through the whole thread), but maybe it would help if you addressed all of your concerns over your MIL's behaviour via a letter to her? It can be so difficult to confront someone face to face, especially when they have already shown that they have no intent to listen, and even harder to stick to your main points and not get sidetracked. But if you write her a letter you will be able to say exactly what you need to say in a calm and clear way.

I think most people would find it hard to throw a letter away unread so I'm betting she will read it. It's a starting point at least? You would be able to put things in the order you want to say them, perhaps ending by letting her know how much her friendship meant to you before you had your little one and how good it would be if you could get back to some semblance of that relationship. It might not be possible after the way she has behaved but maybe it will pull her up short. I really hope it can be resolved @Chunkychips23 - she's behaving like a total loon! And as many other posters have said, your DH is doing a shitty job of supporting you!

I honestly wouldn’t do that.

No matter how well worded the letter, she would probably turn it into her being the victim. been there, done that.

Whereshallwelivee · 03/03/2024 19:48

onawave · 03/03/2024 18:58

Mine used to do that and when I insisted she gave the baby back I'd always get a variation of "well, it is the only thing the baby actually needs you for I suppose"

Show quote history

Bloody hell.

See, I wouldn’t stand for any of that. The first time I would have told her to stop being so nasty and ridiculous. People only do what they can get away with.

I do understand it isn’t easy, but after years of keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace in all sorts of situations, one day I snapped. I won’t tolerate anything anymore and I no longer get treated like crap or bear the brunt of other peoples ridiculous behaviour.

I also don’t treat people like crap myself, I am extremely mindful of other people.