Friend that constantly talks about herself

I have a friend and a MIL like this. Very nice but they are exhausting. It's not feasible to phase them out.

I actively decided to accept ot instead of getting wound up.

Now I try to see it as time to zone out and plan my tea or something and input with a bland non committal phase like "oh yes/that's exciting/i can see why" that way I dont need to pay attention about their aunts friends uncles mums bad toe for half an hour and I dont feel as resentful.

I always find it really strange when I have something in common with a person. And they know they have it in common with me.

Then they lecture me all about it without ever acknowledging once that we share the thing in common, or conversing with me about it rather than talking AT me about it.

Could be anything - both of us having DC who went to the same shit school, both of us removed our DC from said school.

Friend: Long, long monologue all about it. Without managing to weave in conversation openers like "how did you find communication there?"

Just rant, rant, rant, rant, like I'm a brick wall.

See also: people with similarly aged kids monologuing for ages about how hard it is raising kids. Talking AT me. As if I have no idea what it's like being a parent, what with my similar aged kids and all.

People with dogs, telling me all about dog ownership. While I'm there. With a lead on the end of my hand. With my dog on it.

Lots of people lack basic social skills.

No it's not.

Why on EARTH would you monologue about your DC university journey without acknowledging or being able invite discussion about the fact that your friend IS IN THE SAME SITUATION?

@JonHammFan

You handled that brilliantly - good on you for speaking up! Resentment does fester when issues aren't addressed, I know it did in my case. I think it's also mixed up in having a healthy self esteem. At some point I put myself in the role of listener because deep down I didn't think I was interesting enough to be heard and therefore, attracted people who used this vulnerability to exploit me. I've shifted away from these dynamics over time and seek more balanced friendships nowadays where there's give and take. But that's because I've worked in my self esteem and won't allow myself to be taken for granted anymore.

I had a 'friend' like this. I'd been listening to her monologues for many years and feeling resentful, but pathetically would never express my feelings about it.

Basically this was a dynamic she enjoyed and which I had enabled - so fault on both sides. But eventually I knew something had to give. I decided I had to assert myself and also let her know (as other people were avoiding her like the plague because she'd never shut up talking about herself and her problems with her husband, would continually vent but never do anything about it).

So the next time I saw her, I let her rattle on for a while, waited for her to draw breath, and I then said, 'Have you ever noticed that it seems really difficult for us to have a two-way conversation?' She initially seemed genuinely surprised and replied, 'Oh, did you want to say something? But you're such a good listener. That's why I talk to you.
(Yes, really! 😂)

Although I felt quite anxious I said, 'Yes, I do like to listen AND I also want to contribute to the conversation, but I find it really hard to find the right space to speak.'

Instead of accepting and reflecting on some useful feedback, she left in a huff. 🤦‍♀️
Oh well. No great loss.

Another friend took similar feedback from me really well and, after initially being a bit tearful about it, thanked me for letting her know, and since then has genuinely been making the effort to listen and ask more questions. She also now catches herself when falling back into bad habits. Our interactions are now a lot more enjoyable.

My point is: I actually think more people need to give feedback like this rather than just ghosting the chatterbox or whinging about them to others. It could actually be seen as a kindness to let the talkative person know. And if they don't take it well, that's on them - reducing contact is then a definite opinion at that point.

Anyway, just my two cents' worth, and what worked for me, as I was sick of being a resentful doormat and pretending to be fascinated by blowhards. 😬

I have/had a friend like this. I just try and have as little contact with her as possible, I figured eventually she'll get bored with me if I don't give her the attention she wants.

Yes the advice to just jump in and talk about what you want to doesn't work with these people! They're genuinely not interested in you and no amount of interjecting will work - they'll simply shrug it off or five a glib response and back to them. I suggest you get rid OP. At the end of the day why should you bloody use your time and energy meeting their needs? Life's too short.

Yes my dd has been diagnosed. I can't afford to get me diagnosed so I assume it's a possibility but I'll have to get by with pinching myself and trying to avoid conversations wherever possible!

I vividly remember some years ago at a previous workplace, we all got called into a meeting where a massive round of redundancies was announced. It was a big shock.

But as we were all walking back to our desks and lots of us were giving out opinions on what had been announced and how things might pan out, my colleague as usual changed the direction of conversation to her and the night out she had just had and how several men had told her how attractive she had looked. Etc etc. And nobody could get a word in for ages.

Then before we all knew it, the rest of us had politely let her go on and on for ages and not had a chance to talk about the really important announcement that affected all our lives considerably. I can’t even recall how we’d let that happen, she just somehow took over.

I think it’s just, I dunno, a skill some people have to make it acceptable that what they say is more important.

@pensione i guess with my friends we bounce back and forth so it feels very equal. Works for us but it never feels one sided. Sitting listening to one person talk about something you have knowledge on and not mentioning it feels odd to me. If 2 people visited the same place surely you share experiences. I don’t see why the first person to choose a topic then dominates the conversation because person 2 isn’t allowed to mention any link they may have.

Surely the point is it gets irritating if people turn every conversation to themselves?

I've just remembered that my husband and I call these two 'friends' the 'energy vampires' after we saw an episode of What We Do in the Shadows where they describe someone just like that.

I know a few people like this. It’s very draining.

I had a friend like this. It was always the same shit as well, like always picking over the same problems. I saw them again recently after not seeing them for a while and it really hit me in the face how dull their company was! Just be too busy to chat when she phones, or unavailable to meet. I expect she’ll leave you alone once she realises she can’t just verbally dump on you all the time!

I've got adhd and I can be like that-I hate it but can't help it

@easylikeasundaymorn I deliberately gave an example like the op because it’s normal in my world. Yesterday I met a friend and I said “I’ve sorted DD’s prom dress” and she said “I thought it would be a nightmare because dd is 6’3” but actually it was okay.” I went on to ask where she found the dress and she talked about it in detail. I didn’t talk about DD’s because we walked into the shop, tried 3 on and she chose the first one… not much of a conversation from my part but friend had a trickier experience. At no point did it occur to me she’d selfishly turned the conversation around to be about her. I just find that an odd leap. Maybe it depends on the conversation as a whole. But, like I said, we’re all different so hang out with people you want to hang out with but don’t police other’s because different people like different approaches.

@WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun

I understand the discomfort about someone not disclosing that they know a lot about the subject and agree it would be rude to let someone wax lyrical without specifying you had some knowledge. But it definitely doesn’t need to be done in the first response.

your example “we went in June, where did you stay” is not an awful one, you do ask a question but I think it’s always nicer to start with a questions.

conversations then develop and there’s less rigidity but in lulls asking a question is always better than talking about yourself

Sympathy OP but I don't know what can be done. If you can't or don't have to accept it then the only option is to reduce contact, because these people don't change.

I had a friend like this and she only got worse. She turned out to be extremely toxic. My DM is not much better - takes a cursory interest in me before making the entire event/conversation/whatever about her. It's quite impressive when you stand back and observe how they do it. But not much fun.

The people I know who do this are not neurodiverse or insecure. They are very content with their lives and enjoy showing off to all and sundry because they are selfish and genuinely believe they are fascinating and dynamic individuals.

@WittyMotherhoodRelatedPun It’s quite amazing I have friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

ironically this is an exact example of what OP is talking about though! People who immediately bring any conversation back to THEM and THEIR DC and THEIR job and THEIR holidays etc 😂

In your scenario, person 1 brought up the topic of conversation, so person 2 just replying with a bored acknowledgement and then immediately changing the subject to THEIR kid was being rude and, as pp's explained, stuck to 'transmit' rather than 'receive.' The polite thing would have been for person 2 to a) show some enthusiasm and b) ask person 1 a question (or engage in some way) about said topic, i.e. in your example 'Ooh that's exciting, why did they choose there?' or 'Wow that's a really good uni, well done them, are you nervous about them being so far away though?' ' etc.

THEN once they've spoken about that for a few minutes person 1 would usually ask 'and how about your DC, where are they thinking of? THEN it's person 2's time to talk.

If you think your example is a good example of a shared conversation you might want to take a step back and survey your friends next time you chat to see if you're hogging the conversation without meaning to.

@TeenLifeMum I think we should 😂 This is how I talk with all my friends. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong?!?

(But seriously: perhaps we ARE all conversing in an atypical way. After all, we do tend to seek out people who are like us. As long as we’re all happy then I suppose I don’t see the harm.)

I have a friend like this.
So much has happened in my life that she knows nothing about because she doesn’t ask or listen. I dread receiving messages from her because it’s always long monologues without a single question. The kicker for me was when she ‘forgot’ about a serious illness I had and was in the process of recovering from. I very rarely meet up with her in person these days.
People like this don’t really want a friend, they just want attention. It’s like they treat real life like they are making a status update on social media and have forgotten how to have a conversation.

i don’t think conversation is one person talking while the other asks a string of questions @TeenLifeMum nor do I, what gave you that idea?

A conversation is give and take. But the fact that you offered by way of example the worst case of “give and take” is somewhat extraordinary. You could have given any example and the one you picked was someone immediately turning the conversation to them.

Proof I guess that some people don’t realise how appallingly self centred they are.