Friend that constantly talks about herself

Dump the boring bitch, and don’t feel bad about it.

Absolutely! I don't have the answer unfortunately - there are obviously those of us around that like to engage in proper 2 way conversation, but how we find each other I don't know! In your example above, as a total bookworm I would have been fascinated to meet someone like you and get the ' inside scoop' on the writing process. How could they not be interested!? 🤷 I'm mostly at the stage of knocking friendships on the head nowadays, but admittedly it can get lonely. However, I'd rather take that than be a piece of furniture and talked at.

They're so few and far between, aren't they though? I have tried numerous times over the last decade or so to make new friends, and nine times out of ten when I go to a meet up or club or something, I'm stuck next to someone who just monologues about themselves and doesn't ask a single question in return. I'm a novelist, and even when I joined a book club and the host mentioned what I do, no one in five years of attendance ever asked me a single thing about what I was writing. It was quite extraordinary, given they were presumably interested in books! I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people are completely self-absorbed.

Ha! Toxic childhood and plenty of associated trauma too - double tick. Think I turned myself into a vehicle for others to get their needs met whilst ignoring my own. The realisation that you've been used for years is something else and it's quite liberating to get to the shedding stage! I can come across as slightly rude nowadays with anyone who tries to use me as a listening post - I haven't the time for friends to talk at me anymore whilst not going to the bother of asking about my life or family. I attended a birthday party a couple of months back and was sat next to a stranger who actually understood the art of conversation - an easy back and forth flow of chat and a mutual level of interest in what the other had to say. This person found out more about me in an hour than old friends had in years. It was lovely to be reminded that not everyone is a narcissistic, self absorbed twat!

It's fine though when it's an occasional thing. It's when it's a consistent pattern of behaviour that it becomes a problem.

Same. Coming from a toxic childhood with lots of trauma, I attracted narc friends like a dog attracts fleas. Gradually shed the lot of them over the years, and most were the type to talk endlessly about themselves, then look slightly annoyed if I ever brought up anything about myself. I can't believe it took me decades in some cases to realise how toxic a dynamic it was, and to examine why I was putting up with it.

I sat with an elderly friend this afternoon where she went through her weekend with the family in minute detail and repeated it again
straight after.
She is a lovely friend and is kindness itself especially as my dh has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up but I have to admit it does get a bit mind numbing

This!!!!!

I had a friend like this years ago. She has one daughter and that was her only topic of conversation. When my first baby arrived she barely glanced at her before going on about how wonderful her child was.
I had more children, she didn't. I don't think she knew my children's names, let alone remembered their birthdays yet I would get a call reminding me to get her kids birthday card in the post early!
They moved a few years later. I still get a card and letter at Christmas and Easter telling me all about her (very average sounding) daughter. She is 37 now!!
I am glad they moved away as I think the friendship would have ended years ago.

I haven’t read through the whole thread, but I’m surprised the majority opinion is essentially to ditch your friend.

Surely friends are there to shine a light on our blind spots and give us an insight into how we are being received. The kindest thing my friends have ever done for me is give me their honesty, whether it’s uncomfortable to hear or not. I too have no qualms offering my friends uncomfortable truths. If the friendship holds any substance, it can withstand a little challenge. The truth is a gift, it’s okay for you to tell her OP, we all have growing edges.

I mean obviously you can't judge a whole conversation on a few sentences, or even a person on just one conversation. In any longer conversation people are never going to talk for the exact same amount of time, if the subject is holidays and 1 friend has just been away and the other hasn't all year it would be natural for the first one to talk more about that topic. Then say the topic switches to jobs and person 2 has more to say. Sometimes you could even have a whole conversation where 1 person does the majority of the speaking, if they have something significant they want to talk about. Some people are naturally quieter so actually prefer others to talk more etc.

Saying all that, yes, tbh, I would have considered your friend a little bit rude if you've introduced a topic, to then immediately turn it to herself and speak at length without any reference to your daughter at all. Even if she'd just asked 'Oh great, what's it like/did it take long?' and then gone on to discuss her version, which was more of a 'story', that would be fine.

But again, as a one-off that doesn't mean anything - the point is if you have met one of these people who are PERMANENTLY on transmit, you will know about it, you won't have to wonder. It's not just a one-off anecdote where they have more to say about the topic than you, it's every single interaction.

I had a friend like this in my early 20s. We'd known each other since childhood, and although she was never a "best friend", we'd always been very good friends. But it had always been all about her. I could regail you for hours about the times she was selfish, socially inept, and frankly, a poor friend.

One of the last times I saw her, she'd just returned from a trip to Thailand. Well, we spent about 3 hours looking through every single photo she'd taken - there were hundreds - and hearing the minute details of what the photo was, the context, the people etc. I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

I think I saw her one more time after that, and then she ghosted me. I saw her once, at a school reunion about 13 years ago, where she pretty much ignored me, and I've not heard from her since. I recently got wind that she'd got a job in the same town I live in, so I know she's local.

Mostly I'm annoyed that I put up with years of nonsense from her, yet SHE was the one to do the ghosting! I've never found out, or been able to work out why.

No it isn't because that example was given as a way to interrupt a monologue!!!

So person 1 has been monologuing endlessly then starts taking about their dd.

Person 2 then uses that new topic as an opportunity to remind person 1 that they are actually here and to talk about their own life and to be an active participant in the conversation.

Yes, I have a friend who wouldn't know if I had got married/moved house/given birth to triplets since we last met, because she doesn't ask and I can't get a word in edgeways to mention.

Actually, she does stop part way through to ask about my DC and as soon as I reply: "Oh great thanks, my DD has just got back from Australia and.."

.. "Oh really? My DH's colleagues' next door neighbour went in 1996...They said it was too hot... Oh and the Insects!... I couldn't go there..
We just got back from Centre Parks actually and..." 🤨

Snap. When we meet there is no "conversation" and I use the word lightly until she has done a download of all her news/updates. She also doesn't ask questions and interrupts your answer on the rare occasion she does. So I put a photo from a trip to London on FB but probably a week after we came back so she asked were you there last week so I explained no at half term (I had told her we were away). Most people would have then said oh did you have a good time but no, nothing.

I have one close friend who I suspect is autistic. If I ask her one question she monologues for an hour and a half and I find it very difficult to interject, then when I eventually manage to contribute, the conversation swings back to her a couple minutes later. She doesn’t have many friends. I sense she cares about me deeply but finds conversation skills difficult to navigate. She is a special friend to me but to manage things I tend to see her occasionally rather than routinely.

My MIL also monologued. I can remember meal times in which I would have a two or three minute thing I wanted to tell people about and she just couldn’t let me speak, monologging in such a way I could only ever attempt the first sentence before being cut off. I would then attempt to talk about my thing three or four times but would eventually give up trying.

i also have a specific friend who in group situations would just talk over me when I join in conversations. It made me feel particularly worthless and after it happened multiple times Id just go quiet and withdraw. Then I surprised myself last year and when she interrupted I simply continued talking (marginally louder) so that I finished what I wanted to say to the group. I think she got the hint after a few weeks of this.

The way I deal with people who only talk about themselves is not to be friends with them. Not because I don't like hearing about other people, but because it shows that they don't care about you.

I would start declining invitations and phase them out, gradually. If they ask you outright, tell them that you got the impression you were boring them when were you were talking. People who just talk about themselves are very wrapped up in their own insecurity and I always feel very used after interacting with them.

I like the transmit / receive analogy. I've realised my DH is on transmit constantly and never listens. It's why I'm exhausted.

I have a friend like this too. She’s going through a lot so I let her get it off her chest but in all honesty I find her a chore.

I agree with the poster who said to try and have an honest conversation with your friend about how you are feeling, "I've noticed that I often do most of the listening and you do most of the talking, I'd appreciate if you asked me some questions now and then" - it can be awkward and difficult but also worth it. Some relationships will deepen, others will end. But as long as you are silently fuming and not saying anything, this isn't really a friendship.

I'm a bit like this, but I'm self aware and make a concerted effort not to do this. It's more I like talking rather than I want to talk about myself and I am genuinely interested in my friends. Anyway, my point is, it's really rude so she sounds like someone who isn't actually interested about you at all

My Mum is like this, it's exhausting.
She will drone on about every tiny detail and even the most mundane things are turned into a drama.

We used to talk over Skype a lot and these calls become marathons of her just yakking on without pause. It was so bad that I could go to the loo or outside for half a cigarette and she wouldn't notice I was gone.
My husband used to say 'what did your Mum have to say' and in all honesty I couldn't remember because it was overwhelming.
Added to this. She repeats herself A LOT (no dementia or anything like that).

I started to write bullet points so I could remember everything she said and saw that every topic/story/ anecdote was covered at least 3 times.

She also talks at length about people I don't know, it's infuriating.

I used to have a job where I travelled a fair bit, it was never 'did you have a good time' or 'how was your trip'. Always it would be a complete brain download of what o has missed while I was away.

I rarely share anything about my life now, she's just not interested.

@wherethecrawmumsings but in the example, it’s person 2 who monologues.

person 1 makes a comment and person 2 immediately turns the conversation around to them and doesn’t do much as ask one question either before or after.

Personally, I find people who only ever want to talk about themselves really tedious. They’re very rarely the most interesting person at the table either.

I had a friend like this and everything she said was always dramatic and exaggerated to make her sound more Interesting, I'm not even sure that most of the stuff she said was even true or she had just fabricated it because she loved being center of attention. In the end i got fed up and drifted away from her, she was exhausting.

I've noticed with the friends I really do get on with and have good conversations with there are a lot of questions but on both sides.

Like, friend will get something of her chest and I'm listening actively, just giving cues to show that I'm hearing what she's saying but nothing more at that point. Then she'll ask "do you think that was fair of me? would you have done something differently?"

And the topic is still about her (which is fine by me! I love her and WANT to know what's going on with her) but she has actively invited me to be a participant in the conversation.

That is a very, very different experience to being monologued at.