Aibu to wonder why private schools produce more "well rounded" children? Is it the school or the parents?

Probably boarding school kids rather than generally private school kids. Not every private school is a Boarding School and, with a few notable exceptions, most kids at a boarding school will be day pupils.

@Kenthighst I have never seen an overweight child at the local privates!!

I wonder about this too, I can only presume its due to the middle class upbringing rather than the schooling as I know statistically weight issues are greater among poorer areas. I live in a 'good' area where many children go private and the local state schools are also very good. Its mostly professionals on good salaries, but not a very wealthy area either, no old money as such. Everyone is slim. This annoys me sometimes for entirely selfish reasons! I'm overweight and sometimes I look around and wonder why in a so called 'obesity crisis' am I always the fattest woman in my size 14 clothes.

One thing I've always noticed in private educated friends and their children is a competitive streak and high energy. The parents are ambitious and hardworking who prioritise health and fitness and offer every opportunity to their children. If he isn't good at soccer, try tennis, try karate etc until something sticks. They don't eat takeaways or much processed foods or drink much. The parents often seem to pursue additional qualifications as adults and have a 'can do' attitude. The men all run or cycle. The women often are a bit less fit but look after themselves. I think this rubs off on the children and they grow up feeling they can do what they want with their lives, they want to win and know they need to work hard for it.

@sprigatito spot on.

It depends on what you mean by "well-rounded", doesn't it? My 21yo is in third year at Oxford having attended a local comp and sixth form college. His Oxford college is about 80% private school kids. DS has been incredulous at how young the private school kids seem, how incompetent they are at managing money, regulating their drinking, cooking and shopping...many of them have never done their own laundry! They may play the flute/fence/have played Hamlet at the age of 12, but I'm not sure they're generally more well-rounded than state school kids.

Well rounded? Is that a joke?

It's astonishing the difference that a better-off household can make to a child even at state school. I was the only student in my A level French class who had never been to France, for example - all the others had been several times, mostly on the school French exchange and had therefore enjoyed a lot of conversation practice (home and away).

We didn't even have enough room for me not to have to share with a brother and we didn't have a bathroom.

Really do posters know any privately educated children? Self important? Maybe a few. Homogeneous? No more than your average state school - though I actually would dispute this as likely higher proportion of children from other countries (this has been our experience whether London or well outside in a deprived area) and higher tolerance of individuality among peers.
And @PremiumRaa definitely longer hours! 8.20 to 4.30 in my DDs last school - this does not include after school activities. Also longer breaks for sure.
I think OP it's a combination of both. While there are vast differences in private schools, generally speaking they expect a certain level of attainment and behaviour.
I think privately educated children are expected, by the school and their parents, to succeed to at least a certain level. They are taught how to work hard. Those exam results aren't just handed out. There may be more activities available but that doesn't always mean they all participate. Most are at pains to acknowledge the privilege of attending and therefore not 'waste' the opportunity.
My DD said it herself; she said she had no excuse to do poorly in her exams. She was bright, she had a great education, she had support and encouragement. She also worked bloody hard. She was challenged to her max. No wonder she came out feeling more confident in her abilities having achieved top marks. And those that don't, as no matter how hard a person may work they may never get top marks, I believe the atmosphere does foster the idea that everyone is worthwhile of their place in society, be that as a top flight lawyer or teacher or whatever. It is something every child should feel, and if a child doesn't, why not? Are they supported and encouraged at home? Is education held highly? Are they expected to do well and help sought (from the school, I don't mean tutoring) if struggling? Are they introduced to experiences beyond their immediate environment? Many museums are free, for example. When on holiday is it seen as an opportunity to discover a new culture or just lay out on the beach? And I don't know many people at state school who have not travelled - even within their own country there are plenty of opportunities to find out more about history for example, just by walking around.
The kids I know who went to state school seem on par with those I know from private, a big part of this is because their families all share the same values.
By the way never met a privately educated family who own a yacht! I'm sure they are out there though. Most have fairly ordinary houses in ordinary neighbourhoods. We live in a three bed terrace.

It's always the parents. If you've got bad parents, whether you are privately or state educated, you're going to struggle - though that doesn't mean you can't come through of course. If you have good parents, private schooling - in the right school, not just any old money-making machine! - may give a marginal advantage.

If they were reintroduced at scale - so as many grammar places as comprehensive - private schools would evaporate overnight

Also not true. Many private schools depend on pupils who would not pass the 11+, even with private tuition, but whose parents want them to have the advantages that private education buys.

DC’s indie is big on instilling resilience, there’s lots of public speaking and acting/drama from early years on, there is LOTS of sport, which no one is allowed to be excused from, teamwork, presentations etc.

They are also still only a winner if they come 1/2/3 in sports day, and the sports are still competitive. You don’t get medals just for taking part and everyone isn’t a winner.

Why would they because all the places would be taken by the current private school attendants, are children that attend private school more intelligent then. What about the children who go to private schools that you describe as not selective, are you really suggesting they'd be competition for bright state school children?

grammar schools! If they were reintroduced at scale - so as many grammar places as comprehensive

Why can't people comprehend that this isn't possible? If half of children are selected on the basis of an entrance exam (which absolutely does not equate to academic ability) to go to grammar schools, the other schools are not comprehensives: they are secondary moderns. If you ever campaign for more grammar schools, you must also campaign for more secondary moderns.

I went to a well-known private school in the mid 90s.
Kids of celebs, many people who have gone on to be famous etc, etc. Drugs were used by many in sixth form, some people used harder drugs - but mostly regular coccaine use. Many, many girls had eating disorders, bullying was awful, teachers had flings with older pupils. I’m sure it’s different in different place, but I went to school with some absolute lunatics, so this thread made me laugh!! Although to be fair I would say I’m quite emotionally intelligent and confident…….. could have been the school, could have been my DNA! 🤣

Are you joking op?

Some of the most messed up, dysfunctional people I've ever met went to private school!

I'm interested to know what you mean about the bitchiness and social media stopping your DD using facilities?

Yes this is very true I think. I went from a private school to a huge, London comprehensive, it was akin to or marginally worse than Grange Hill and my niavety vanished over night!

I think it's a combination. Children with engaged and ambitious parents are always going to do better and have more rounded experiences than children without, whether they are very very poor or very very rich.

State schools are going to be a fairly organic mix but a tiny percentage of parents from the "engaged and ambitious" group are going to find a way to go to an independent school (if they happen to live near one that is better than the state offering).

Fee paying schools are all different and have different USP's - some are highly selective and weed out underperforming students ruthlessly along the way, some are non-selective and it's just a case of having the money. They probably mostly lean towards engaged and ambitious, though, especially the selective ones, which will have a high percentage of very ambitious middle-income parents with family help, and more ethnic diversity than the non-selective. There will be few unengaged parents who expect the school to do everything.

I think that's what mostly makes the difference.

(Disagree with the statement above that private school kids are the ones who didn't get into grammar school - not all cities have grammar schools! If they were reintroduced at scale - so as many grammar places as comprehensive - private schools would evaporate overnight except for the super-posh ones that people go to for the "name".)

I think the biggest thing will be the other kids and what they are around (at school).

I don’t share your perception. In my workplace privately educated colleagues are not doing any better than the rest. They often have difficult personalities though and quite narrow world-view which makes them less likeable.

ps. I’m privately educated, albeit abroad. The school was good but overall I’d say it’s a waste of money.

poor families where the parents have no interest in their children

Most spectacularly offensive comment on Mumsnet for a good 20 seconds, there.

Is that you Boris?

My thoughts exactly! Incompetent and self serving , with massively inflated egos, who look down on the plebs who didn't go to private school, along with anyone in the north.

I went to a state primary school and we moved area just before secondary school. The options were a very poorly rated comp or a private school. I was lucky my mum could afford private.

Very shortly after starting I was assessed for dyslexia and given extra support for it. I had done well in exams at primary but in a class of 30+ so it was never spotted.

I then went back to state school for A Levels. I got a 2.1 in my uni degree and went on to a professional qualification. If that would have happened otherwise I can't know.

Class sizes were smaller and we did things like speech and drama. I have always been called confident and can certainly put on an amazing show which does help in my professional life.

My mum was not very involved. She worked long hours, took work home and sank at least 1 bottle of wine per night and usually a few other stronger drinks that she thought I didn't notice her having in the kitchen.

But if she hadn't sent me to private school I wouldn't have had support at home or at school.

Friends who are teachers say you can tell the parents who read to their children etc.

I absolutely disagree with it being an "artificial leg" - it is the absolute bare minimum that school is SUPPOSED to achieve. The fact that many (not all) children can only access it by going to fee-paying schools in the UK is a scandal, and one that we are being distracted from by this line we're fed that private schools are in some way unfair, instead of being the norm for many wealthy countries.

I find it shocking when we see photographs of low income a-level students heading off to Oxbridge or to study medicine in the papers like it's some kind of miracle (the Michaela school is a good example of this) when we should be incredibly depressed that this isn't completely normal. "Reasonably bright teen does well." should not be a headline.

We have been trained to expect so little in this country. I would love to see fee-paying schools put out of business by a properly funded state system, but I very much doubt I will see it any time soon.

🙄

Here we go....