To love but not like my adult son.

I say this all the time so apologies everyone....is it possible he's neurodivergent? There is always a similar theme when I read posts like this. It's the way in which he sounds like he's been easily influenced to be a mysogynist when he has you and his sisters. YouTube is a nightmare for this btw. I see the stuff my own ND son watches and it's a daily discussion with him regarding how wrong this online attitude is.
I just get the sense there's something a bit different about your son here and you probably know it deep down. It so often goes under the radar. Either way I wouldn't be able to tolerate it and would set some very clear boundaries and this needs to happen immediately or he's out. Can dad take over full time? He's a terrible influence on your girls.

He’s an adult and he’s disrespecting you in YOUR home. You have to have some boundaries. Throw him out and tell him exactly what you think! That’s the reality check he needs. So make sure you leave the door open for him though once he can behave.

He's 24. He's an adult. Your house, your rules. Invite him to fly the coop and live his life his way, elsewhere. He will sharpen up when he doesn't have other people to look after him. That's not your job now. Good luck.

To me, he sounds like he resents you. The way you talk about him and and your daughters with your newer partner is very different.

He’s a grown adult but also the product of his upbringing. I’m sorry OP, but you can’t fully blame your ex for this, you have got to take some responsibility for raising this vile pig headed monster and unleashing him on the world.
That said, he is an adult now and if he can’t be respectful then he needs to leave. Give him notice and stop doing his cooking and laundry.

I feel sorry for the poor young women who are going to cross paths with him.

Since you don't seem able to reason with him face to face, I suggest you put it in a letter and give it to him with your DH there. The letter should give him one week to change his ways otherwise he must move out as his behaviour is totally unacceptable. The letter should also state that effective immediately you will no longer cook, clean or do his laundry for him and that he needs to buy his own food and contribute to household expenses eg electricity bill. I would also state you are sending a copy of this letter to his father.

I imagine nothing will change except there'll be piles of his dirty washing and mess everywhere but resist the temptation to clean up. At the end of the week, pack his things up and change the locks. When he tries to get in, point to his packed bags outside and remind him of the letter you gave him.

Then close the curtains and ignore him. If he tries to break the door or a window, call the police.

I'm afraid you need to go NC with him. For now anyway, you can get back in touch on his birthday and at Christmas.

It’s very sad but I was in a similar situation a few years ago and for my own sanity I had to not ask but TELL him to leave. I no longer have any contact with him and he’s fallen out with all other friends and family members due to his obnoxious behaviour. If he thinks his dad is so wonderful tell him to go and live with him, you need to protect your family.

Ask him to move out ASAP. He's too disrespectful to you, your family and home

He’s a grown adult not a child, if he doesn’t contribute to the household it’s not OP’s job to babysit him. All older now but once we were adults the young people in our family contributed by sorting our own washing, cooking for the family from time to time and cleaning up after ourselves. My brothers now are decent husbands who equally help in the home. She can do the same with her younger kids, once over a certain age the same rules apply.

If she is cooking for the whole family he can eat with them, if he wants to eat separately or at a different time it’s up to him. He is 24 years old, he can contribute a token amount to the family budget for shopping.

He can have his own laundry basket and sort his own washing. If he wants clean clothes he will soon learn.

Andrew Tate is social cancer. I don't know where this kind of hatred is going to lead young people.

My mum has always said just because you love your kids doesn't mean you always have to like them (first popped up when my sis was having issues with her son)
I've never been "traumatised" or ever thought that was aimed at me (even though it may have applied when I was in my young rebellious days) or felt unloved. I never thought the cap fitted so never overthought or took that statement personally (I say this as a very over sensitive friend was shocked when I said this to her)

Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to feel that way when someone is behaving in a disgusting manner towards you, especially a child you did nothing but care for.

Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum

I'm not surprised if he behaves as you describe. Stop doing everything for him and tell him it's because you are unwilling to be his ruddy slave and to bec treated like he treats you. And tell him that if he foesnt stop being obnoxious he will be leaving. When he starts just look at him and walk out the room. Dump his washing in a basket in his room. Dont cook for him.

BTW your poor daughters watching this. Whatbunpact must he be having on them

He is 24 and an adult - many of his peers have been living independently for 6 years! Sit him down for a conversation. It’s time he contributed to the household - he needs to do his own washing, ironing, cleaning. He can make his own lunch or buy it, he isn’t going to starve.

If he tuts or huffs just ignore him, if he wants clean clothes he will need to wash them. You’re his mother not his skivvy.

He needs to contribute a token amount towards bills and food (he’s at college, he can get a part time job like everyone else). If he wishes to socialise it’s his responsibility to pay for that. Agree with PP if he’s staying with you long term you set up a tenancy agreement or lodging agreement, you can set the rental at a reasonable amount considering he is in education. Siblings and I all paid board as soon as we were over 21 and working if we stayed at home, £200 a month. Parents kindly gifted a chunk of this back when we moved out but it meant we had learnt not to take advantage!

I think, collage course or not, you need to pack his stuff up, leave it on the door step with a note saying his behaviour and attitudes are unacceptable, you have told him often enough and he can go live with his father. If that’s in another area, he can transfer collages. I wouldn’t tolerate this and if you find it hard to be strong, do it for your daughters and your husband.

He's negging you. It's quite awful to even read. I'd change the locks and put all his junk in storage, send him the key and tell him the storage payments run out at the end of his course. He does not deserve anything from you whatsoever.

Well the obvious question is why is he still at home with you?

Sorry to say OP, but you've clearly enabled his shitty behaviour and that's why he has continued to act like this. Also not fair for your two DD to witness this. DS is 24 therefore old enough to be living out in the world by himself. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

Set your own rules and charge him going-rate rent. If he can't deal with either of these, show him the door! He's acting like a child not a man with a quarter of a century behind him!!

OP just stop doing all that stuff for him. There is no way an adult son of mine (I have three boys) will have any of that done at that age. DH's mummy was still ironing his shirts for work at 21, he works hard but has had to learn housework as an adult!!
Also, thought I would add this as people are being vile about your son and at the end of the day, he is your son, despite his behaviour. He could have learned his behaviour from his dad but I know someone very similar (almost exactly the same as your son in everything you've said) who has aspergers and a personality condition. He has no empathy and has a very strange opinion on women. Also refuses help as doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I know its easy for people to say others are 'evil' etc but there are people out there with very serious personality issues that need mental health help but have no idea they need it. The person I'm speaking about is very vulnerable despite his 'front' that he is a tough woman hating guy.

Sorry this is happening to you OP but it’s time to show him the door 🚪 disrespectful little shit

This is so acutely depressing I feel like I want to punch him.
Please will you stop being controlled by this awful person. If he wants to live in your house then he buys his own shopping, does his own laundry, cooking, cleaning. That's what I did from 14 onwards (obviously was given a modest budget per week as couldn't work due to being in school), But as soon as working ft at 18 that's a given as an adult wherever you live.
He is bang out of order. Will he not listen to reason even when calm for a few minutes? if not.. Can your DH have a strong word. Get a tenancy agreement and ask him to sign it? Else he needs to go but it will be a hostel, and I think you have to send something to council saying he's kicked out.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

OK. here's your answer = don't be his slave! Why are you empowering this man and then complaining about him? Do you really think anything will change while you pander to him? Because it won't! Dirtying paintwork - for heaven's sake, is he 5 years old? It's pathetic.

Have you posted about this before? I seem to recall the part about your son making dirty stains on the paintwork.

Giving him the year until his course finishes is not at this stage entiely unreasonable but set a date now e.g. 1//6/25 if he hasn't moved out by then you'll be dropping him on a street corner with his bags.

Follow through.

Not your fault! Think that post was mean to you. As you said, you didn’t know how misogynistic he was. You can only do your best.

If he idolises his dad so much send him to live with him🤗