To love but not like my adult son.

OP, you say he doesn't get on with his stepmother. From your post it sounds like she's doing absolutely everything for his father/her own children and working full time, so perhaps she didn't have the bandwidth for his nonsense.

He's not very young. Couple of generations ago, there were literally millions of men of his age who'd put in years at WW1/WW2 (with their little not-fully-formed brains)

He's an aggressive bully and you are setting a terrible example for your younger children in accepting it and carrying on as his skivvy/whipping post.

In the '60s, the counter-culture was about peace and love. Now it's hard-core misogyny, conspiracy theorists, and neo-Nazis.

Most normal people won't want to have anything to do with someone like him. He'll come across as stupid and easily led. A 24-year-old who can't think for himself will be laughed at in the workplace.

Most intelligent and discerning women are not going to want him as a boyfriend I'm afraid. And most quality organisations are not going to want him as a manager. He will find these out the hard way until/unless he changes his attitude.

If you end up doing nothing else, stop making his lunch and doing his washing. Make his dinner only if you're cooking for everyone. Your actions only underscore for him that women exist to serve men. You'll be doing him a favour by treating him like an adult.

If he wants to be a manager he’s going to have to change his sexist views as any decent company won’t tolerate it!!!
Good luck op

Also, the loud laughing, putting others down, not feeling sympathy for others’ misfortune etc does suggest that perhaps is mimicking what he sees someone else do (perhaps his father as you’ve said) but for a 24 year old to mimic behaviour could suggest additional needs.

How was your son at school? Did his teachers ever suggest he may show signs of neurodiversity? Did he have good friends?

Hi @redcloudsunshine I agree with @bathinginbeans your son sounds as though he may be a vulnerable adult? If this is the case, he needs support in becoming a self sufficient adult, or at least if he stays living in your home, an adult that learns to respect his family and helps out with chores etc.

Children are so often much more affected by parental break ups and everything that comes after that than we think. Just the visiting to the other parent at weekends whilst being away from the parent they normally live with for example - a change in their life every single week. Parents too can often give them more ‘slack’ at a time when they actually need firmer boundaries. Because those boundaries help them feel trust and security.

I’m not blaming you but perhaps your son is still feeling lost since your break up and yes, his father has obviously had a lot of negative influence on him since. But children want to please their parents - imagine if his dad is as you say he is, he’s been putting all that shit onto your son for years! It’s not any wonder he’s like he is now.

With love and support and teaching, I really believe you can help your son become a stronger and more able man. 🤗

Send him to live with Dad… simple solution.

I was in a very similar position to you recently, my son walked out after I refused to adjust my boundaries, I'm finding the guilt overwhelming but I have a young daughter and feel I had to put her first although it makes me feel like an awful mum to my son. Your words resonate it's sometimes nice to know we are not alone in our struggles.

There is nothing to suggest he needs therapy. Someone who has nasty views, is lazy self entitled, but content with their views doesn’t need therapy, they need boundaries and to have to deal with the consequences of their behaviour. Why do some people immediately jump to ‘therapy’ for the person behaving badly? If anyone needs therapy, it’s the poor mother in this situation.

He isn't 'very young' ffs. 🙄

So from now on do not cook, do his washing, make packed lunch etc for him. I’m assuming he has his own room so anything of his that is left in the house just put in his room. Coat /shoes/bag, paperwork etc.
he can do his own food shop, charge his rent Depending on his wages. 25% of earnings is not unreasonable. He is no team player in your family which he has proven by being like he is. Can you set a date where he needs to have secured himself new lodgings? I know I sound harsh but he sounds like he completely controls your home and this is no good for anyone.

Agree with a lot of what you say. My two dc visit in the holidays from university and they have come back much nicer, more cooperative, more appreciative people, than when they left! They do still try and lecture me about academic matters as though I don’t have a brain in my head but I just listen and ask questions rather than tell them I studied the same thing 40 years ago! 😃

I do think that society in general has to hold some collective responsibility for “freeloading young adults” as the part time casual jobs, and the cheap accommodation that existed when we were young, seems to have disappeared.

I’m prepared to stand corrected on this and I know it’s a massive generalisation, but It’s interesting that in cultures where multi-generational living is the norm, the family structure tends to be quite hierarchical and strict.

The most loving thing you could do is to get him to leave.

Going to play devils advocate here. He probably didn't just 'get it from his father who he saw every other weekend's probably also got it from the mother who didn't set boundrys/save money to help him leave home, the step father who moved into another family following a break up & fathered his own kids, grandparents who didnt have 'modern relationships' & schooling/friends he assosiated with.

All in all if he's going into management he needs help managing his own life away from home - dont just kick him out like others will say - teach him to sort himself out like a normal parent would

He’s 24, pack his bags and chuck him out. He’ll very quickly readjust his attitude to life.

OP

Sadly, too many freeloader adult children around. They will blame you for anyhting and everything. Come the time you tell them to leave - the atmosphere will almost certainly become worse and make you look/feel awful, blame you for all their woes and that you never liked them. They can change to be nice when you keep on doing as they tell you - they will bad mouth you to anyone that will listen to him/them and blame you for them being like they are

They will cry, get upset when they have to leave as they are freeloaders and if and once they agree, there will be times you feel awful and ask them to stay - bottom line is they need to stand on their own two feet. Worryingly, they may start suggesting they will top themselves etc - often these types are seriously nasty and as they are your own, its really difficult to deal with it

You may also get interference from family and often, your children's cousins, at least one of them will be winding them up as will be so called friend

Solution - kick them out and often, they see the light

Yes I think this is so true, there is a lot of malign misogyny out there on-line just waiting for insecure young males to soak up; it’s so much simpler to blame everything on women and direct your fears at them, than actually wrestle with the question of what it means to be male in 2024. You sound like a great mum SometimesIchangemyname.

Hold strong op. It’s very difficult but you have to let go of your fear of losing him altogether because allowing him to live at home with you is indulging and weakening his character. He needs to go through the painful process of having the corners knocked off and the more you delay it the more painful it will be. I agree there is still time for him to improve as adult brains don’t stop growing until about 24 or 25 years of age. Having to survive on his own will be the humbling experience which he needs right now.

Late to the thread but this is what happens when mothers try to be the perfect little Stepford housewife around their kids. No wonder he lacks respect for women if that is what he has grown up with. He abuses you but you continue to take it and wait on him hand and foot.

My adult son is very ‘alpha’ but he’s always seen me and his dad work as a team. We mentored him to be independent way before he left secondary school and does not expect - or see - women as domestic drones because that was never modelled in our house.

As pp have said STOP doing everything for him and ignore him. Get your DH to step up. Focus on your dds. You, AND your DH, refusing to conform to these regressive and old fashioned gender stereotypes is the most empowering thing you can do for them. Your son is a lost cause I’m afraid.

If you love him don't give up on him. There is still time to turn him into someone you can like.

It is completely unacceptable to let your daughters see him speak to you like that and for a grown man not to be contributing and doing the household chores. You need to put your foot down and set some boundaries. And he needs to grow up and learn how to look after himself for his own self esteem. Why have you not done this already? Perhaps there is a bit of you that is trying to keep him as a child?

This didn’t happen overnight. Was he always a bit difficult, a bit different, a bit selfish?

I sometimes think my DS could have ended up like this. The unwarranted superiority complex. The desperate need to ‘win’ at life manifesting as a need to put others down.

Mine has two sisters who rip him to shreds if he says something idiotic. They think I mollycoddle him compared to how I interact with them but I recognise his struggle against toxic influences and the stresses of becoming a man. Luckily I am a senior manager and main breadwinner so he has to respect that.

DS spends too much time online. We have had some interesting discussions about stuff he’s picked up there. It’s been a battle but he’s turning out to be a thoroughly decent young man. Has got himself a girlfriend now who is very smart and keeps him in line. I do feel for you OP. It’s a constant fight against the Tates of this world.

Make sure you comment often about men who can’t cope without women. And stop skivvying.

‘His dad doesn't work because he's had depression and anxiety for about 15 years and is completely dependent on his wife’.

I forgot to say. Give me a break. What a lazy lazy man. In 15years his ‘depression and anxiety’ could have been treated.

His wife needs to kick him out too. The dad and son can live together in a woman free misogynistic bubble.

Just boot him out, his attitude is disgusting & it's about time he took responsibility for himself & his behaviour. Believe me, he won't know what's hit him, stop making excuses for him (College etc, he can continue that wherever he lives!!) Horrible excuse for a man!!

And I'd work out what leverage you have while he's at home - food, laundry, internet, access to tech or netflix etc, and make use of them contingent on him doing chores and behaving decently.

If you won't throw him out, you can make life less nice. And those things aren't reliant on him listening.