To love but not like my adult son.

stearin talks then kick him out!!!!

you can’t be having your daughters seeing you take this shot and abuse, it starts a nasty cycle.

Maintain contact on your end. Have zero tolerance for negative speak. Literally like a toddler.

but seriously you can’t be having your girls around that. And you need to recognize this as abuse. Get rid of him and get yourself help.

@SpatulaSpatula Haven’t you heard of Andrew Tate and other strong misogynist movements/influencers on social media? There is actually more misogyny around in young men than ever before. It is of course damaging to the young men who take it on board, as well as on the women around them, but unless someone actually wants to change, no amount of therapy will be of any use.

Unnecessary and unkind . I hope you feel good about that comment.

I'm really surprised at all the responses saying to simply get rid, and to a couple of people rolling their eyes at the suggestion that he's young and could do with therapy. People don't behave in such hateful ways towards their families unless there's something quite deeply wrong with them, and therapy can help overcome whatever that might be. Young is a relative term, but he's still definitely young enough to learn to reflect, repair and change his behaviour. This gets harder as you get older and your abusive behaviour hurts more and more people you care about till you have no one left and admitting your mistake would mean your entire world crumbling around you. Plenty of people with extreme views are actually just very very unhappy and messed up and sometimes properly mentally disturbed.

I actually think kicking him out might do him some good, but that it might also cause an irreparable rift which the OP probably doesn't really want, and could see this man stuck in his ways forever after. I reckon, if he won't go to therapy, then yes get rid as he's just harming his sisters. But why not see if there's a non-explosive solution first?

I’m sad that the OP poster appears not to be coming back for some dialogue about issues raised. It’s clearly difficult for her.

Doubt OP is coming back.

She is too busy cleaning his room and making his dinner.

You don't sound like an awful monster at all but you do sound too soft. He's 24, tell him to go find his own place or move in with dad. Do not do his cooking and washing, that is not going to be helping his views and respect for women.

Sorry about your brother BlueMonday1977 glad he is finally making progress.

Yes I was just going to say that one would hope that it doesn’t come to that but it’s actually much kinder to kick them out when they are younger so they can find their own feet when there are fewer societal expectations upon them, ie no one bats an eye if a 21 year old is living in a grotty flat and doing a minimum wage job. Everyone has to start from somewhere.

But it gets gets much harder to roll up your sleeves and overcome your pride in your thirties especially when your peers are living independently and making strides and the internet is telling you are a victim of life’s circumstances.

And a lot of these young men are secretly quite entitled and think they deserve the world having been pandered to at home, but at the same time their arrogance is hiding a severe lack of confidence and competence, precisely because they never have had to learn how things work for themselves.

And as you get older, it’s much harder to tolerate having your corners knocked off because by then you have developed a narrative around yourself about why you can’t/won’t/haven’t/shouldn’t.

That’s discounting any SEN of course. It’s a totally different scenario then because you genuinely might not be able to do certain things or find them much harder to do than the average person.

My brother is now 34 and he has only JUST been kicked out the family home. My mum would describe the relationship as the same 'Love but not like.' And tbh, as much as he has broken her heart with his behaviour, this has come after years and years of him being pandered to, with no boundaries, no consequences for behaviour, constant mollycoddling and cleaning up after him.
He is an absolute cunt in his own right, but I blame my parents for never ever setting a boundary with him and enabling his entitled and sociopathic behaviour.

He was eventually thrown out after trashing the house while she was away, among other things,

He has already been through living with other family members who also didnt set boundaries and no one will take him now. He has been forced to go and rent a room in a house while he saves for a deposit for his own place. He is FINALLY having to act like an adult rather than a horrid overgrown manchild.

You need him out of your house. He can work part time. Many of us worked full time while studying. He can get loans to help. Get him out and DO NOT give him handouts unless you agree to see evidence of his finances. There will always be an excuse for him, he can't find a job... he is depressed like his dad... etc etc. Eventually he may find another woman and sponge off her until, oh surprise, she dumped him and now he needs to move back in with you! Also, remind him that with his attitude he will not get a management job. HR departments are on top of things now and he would have no end of complaints about him.

I do think his mother should have set boundaries with him years ago though, but it's not too late (hopefully).

Utter nonsense. He's not a child or even a troubled youth he's bloody 24!

If he can't treat the rest of the family with any consideration at all and is aggressive, verging on abusive, what effect will this have on his sisters who are in their early teens? They are actual children and should be put first, he's a man!

It is also doing him no favours, he needs to learn swiftly that this behaviour is unacceptable to others, or however will he make his own way in life?

I agree. Disgusting behaviour from a so called parent

Nothing stopping him from getting a part time job a)to get him out the house more, b)teach him some work ethic c)so he can pay his own expenses. Also stop doing his laundry etc he's an adult he needs to act like it. Also I would sit him down and say whilst you love him you do not like his behaviour and attitude and it needs to change

I haven’t actually said anything rude to you and I have never sent you a message!

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me

WHYYYYY are you doing this? He’s not 6 years old.

This is part of his problem. It’s not just his dad’s influence. You should have been teaching him as he was growing up how to be a proper person, and an adult. Not doing everything for him and clearing up after him. Tell him very calmly what he is required to do around the house and that if he doesn’t do it, you will be asking him to leave. He’s a man baby.

Just reported you. I told you to stop sending me messages.

Or maybe I’m a Clinician and therapist 🙄

Maybe you also need therapy. Please don't send me anymore rude quotes. My opinion is valid.

Send him to his father. Or ask him to leave as your not tolerating it any longer. The longer you allow it the longer it goes on simple

I totally agree that the vulnerability of some autistic people can make them somewhat more susceptible to influence from others (the OP’s ex in this case).

That is what I meant when I said about the mimicking/strange laugh etc.
Often, autistic masking isn’t only hiding what you’re thinking/feeling….masking can be mimicking others to make yourself appear to be more ‘neurotypical’.

My post asked about whether the OP’s son was ND and that’s because I’m a parent of an older teen who is autistic and so can understand the nuance of certain, very subtle presentations that many people would not necessarily recognise.

Presentations such as PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) for example, can sometimes come across as obnoxious, rude, unempathetic, mimicking, selfish etc when in reality, people with PDA are often very misunderstood and just trying to control their environment to reduce anxiety.

People on this thread are simply asking the OP questions and suggesting whether neurodiversity could be a reason - we obviously know it might not be!

And clearly, with the number of adults currently awaiting autism assessment, there have been many parents who haven’t recognised neurodiversity in their children.

Unlike the people on the thread saying to just throw her son out of her house (which I find pretty awful), posts such as mine are simply saying hang on a sec, perhaps there is more to this guy’s character than the OP’s post suggests.

Busymummy, you're totally right. I'm really conscious how offensive the suggestion is someone is ND based on some very unpleasant behaviour! I much prefer the tetmND as it covers various types outside of the NT definition.
I absolutely don't feel that all autistic people are devoid of empathy. I see that very differently from my own experience.

Generalising is never great, and that's what I am doing to some extent. I apologise for that. It took me a very very long time to realise my son was ND to be honest. He's a wonderful kind amazing human being but I notice a common theme sometimes with certain things, particularly the extent to which young boys / men can be influenced. I see it as a vulnerability but it doesn't feel so much once someone is an unpleasant behaved man as in this case!

The point for OP is to simply consider it. And I agree 100%, it isn't an 'autistic thing' to be a dick. It might just give greater context. Again, sorry for going off on a tangent!

All you're doing is showing your daughters that it's OK to allow an abuser to abuse you if you love them. Kick him out yesterday!

You have all the power here, OP. You’re letting him walk all over you. You try to talk to him and he laughs in your face so you get upset and shrivel up inside yourself while he grins in satisfaction. Don’t do that! Next time you speak to him and he mocks you and laughs at you, keep absolutely calm and still and tell him the truth about what he’s like and, importantly, tell him to leave.

This isn’t being cruel. It’s actually kindness. If you don’t, he’ll turn into my ex. He sponged off his parents until his 40s and still does even though they managed to get him out finally by financing a house. He’ll have no longterm partner, no friends and be incapable of leading a proper adult life. There’ll always be an excuse why he can’t move out. You, your DDs and your husband will be affected by this. Put a stop to it - for all your sakes, including your son’s.