To love but not like my adult son.

Of course he laughed when you pointed out his SM does everything, that's the Tate ideal woman, they think women should do the housework and earn the money but if your an Alpha male she'll respect you and be happy. His GF's dump him because they see that he's an entitled idiot who gives them no respect.
He won't change until you force him Op, then he'll either grow up or get in a strop and leave. You may love him but he's taking advantage of that, he knows you'll go on doing everything for him while he treats you like a silly little woman who nags but never backs it up with action. Time for a rethink Op

Kicking him out is the right answer but I get the feeling you won't do that whilst he's doing this course.

So please don't live like for another 1 year +.

What do you find difficult about stopping doing his washing and cooking and lunch? I notice you won't engage on this question and that's your right, but it would be good to understand what's holding you back from stopping it?

Kick him out.

He's abusive and sounds like a nightmare to live with.

You're not doing him any favours by letting him stay and abuse you and your teenage daughters. He needs to start seeing how the world really works. Kick him out.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and you aren't doing him any favours by being his servant OP. I would be unhappy in your DH shoes as your homelife sounds significantly impacted by this lazy misogynist.

It also sounds like he is using you after your admission that he is unlikely to be in touch much after he leaves. Personally, I would be facilitating this exit early by telling him that his disrespect, damage to your home, sneering lazy attitude has made all living together going forward untenable.

I would be minded to help with a rental deposit if you are able.

@redcloudsunshine you cannot keep exposing your dds to this adult man's vile attitude.

'Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum.'
I bet that isn't strictly true, it is more likely he tried to pull his shit on his step mum and rather than bend over backwards to accommodate him she told him to fuck right off!!
For what it's worth I have a 17 year old son working full time hours in an apprenticeship and he does more for himself than your 24 YEAR OLD ADULT son.
Kick him out into the real world for everyone's sake.

It’s time to show him the consequences of his behaviour and attitude.

You are not the cause of his misogynistic ways - that’s his dad. But if you continue to accept his views, you are tacitally approving them.

Tell him that you find his attitude towards you disrespectful, that you don’t want his misogynistic behaviour near your daughters and it’s time for him to leave.

@redcloudsunshine

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

Stop doing those things for him OP. He's old enough and, given he has career aspirations to management, to undertake these tasks for himself. Also he's old enough to take responsibility for the damage he does to your home and the way he treats you. Give him a short date to leave (TELL don't ask) - he can find his own accommodation or live with his father, on whom he seems to have modelled himself.

The way he treats you, his mother, is disgraceful and the fact you accept it (he's still in your home, he comes in between you and your husband, he mocks you to his father and doesn't care that you hear) - why do you put up with this any more?

You and your husband need to be a team and send him on his way. Your daughters will be in the firing line for this behaviour, if they're not already - and they will become desensitised to this misogynistic behaviour and may well end up with partners just like your son.

Time to get tough OP. 🌹

You don’t actually have to do any of those things for him at all. You are choosing too. First sign of disrespect I would have said “wash your own clothes make your own meals, I don’t do shit for someone who is rude or horrible to me”. A child you could forgive but a grown man… don’t think so.

Why are you doing it? You don’t even like him or want him in your home yet you are doing everything possible to make it nice and cushty for him. If I had clean clothes a clean home and a full belly through no effort of my own I’d not want to leave either.

You could tell him that it’s unlikely he will ever get to a management position with his attitude,
How would he ever cope in the workplace if he was being managed by a woman ( high possibility of this happening), I don’t think he would cope at all and also if he was being managed by a woman she certainly that he was never promoted given his attitude, he would be completely toxic in any workplace and more senior people would be quick to spot that……speaking from a person who is in an upper management position

Sorry op but your son needs to be shown the door and quickly before he wrecks your life entirely.

His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful

He can fuck off out of your home and find himself somewhere else to live, then. Stop being such a bloody doormat. Neither you nor your daughters should have to live with a misogynist.

This constant babying of grown adults is so bizarre. I'm in my thirties so not that much older than the OP's son and at his age I was working, doing a PhD and was in the process of buying my first house. All while renting on my own so I wasn't even living with my parents.

This. You're enabling a monster

With young adults it is all about boundaries

Not their boundaries, that ship has sailed

But like any adult relationship, you have to make your boundaries clear

You need to start small and stop being such a housemaid to him

No more washing his clothes, cooking for him and especially NOT MORE APPEASING HIM

The more you try to appease someone who does not respect you (and he does not respect you), the less they respect you

He would respect (and probably appreciate and even love) you a lot more if you had very firm boundaries.

But start small and build it up, and be really firm about your own boundaries and what you find acceptable

I say this as a mum of two young adult men.

Stop being a doormat and kick him out

Be more assertive op

I think you should tell him that if he wants to remain living under your roof he needs to change otherwise he will need to move out with a month.

There's no hope for him at all unless he starts to see consequences for his actions.

As for his management aspirations, the women on his team will HR him out of there if he treats them with the same level of disrespect.

He is acting entitled because you are doing everything for him.

Our jobs as parents is to bring up independent adults.

From now on:
Own washing
He either helps to cook or clears up
He has chores

Or

He leaves

You are otherwise sending a man baby out into the world and in a few years time some woman is going to be whining about her lazy partner on here.

This is brilliant advice! I’d chuck him out tbh but in the meantime agree with all of the above. Especially the bit about no discussion, just start behaving differently now. You don’t need anyone’s permission in your own home. Good luck.

You and your husband need a plan to deal with this behaviour. You are being a terrible example to your daughters,is this how a man treats women must be mum accepts it.
Actions and behaviours have consequences for everyone .
I'm sorry but you have done your son no favours in allowing this .
You can stop it and protect your daughters

Sorry OP, but your son sounds absolutely horrible. Why he behaves this way I don't know (role modelled on his awful father?) but you are doing him no favours at all allowing him to carry on like this and pandering to him.

And absolutely not fair at all on your poor DDs and your poor DH (doesn't he have anything to say about it?). Chuck him out and tell him why, there is the possibility he might learn from it and become a better person. I doubt he'll be able to keep a partner while he's like this, men of this type are a blight on society.

I know times have changed but at age 24 I moved continents on my own (and funded the fare).

The dynamic you describe just seems appalling for everyone, and actually not ultimately doing him any favours, either. He has an immense amount of growing up to do, which just isn’t happening.

OP, I have DS almost 24 living at home with us.

He would be out if he behaved like yours.

If you don’t want to go that far, then stop doing his washing and cooking. You are pandering to an Andrew Tate fan - what on earth are you doing?

Get him told.

You and your DH need to spend some time together to agree on an approach and a plan to deal with this. Decide on minimum behaviour that any adult living in your house should abide by, and write it down in a list. So, cleans own stuff away, does own washing, cooks for themselves (or takes a turn cooking for everyone), is respectful to others, pays rent or contributes to household expenses, takes fair share of household cleaning, etc etc.

Then, give your son the list, and make the consequences clear. If he cannot stick to these minimums, then you will expect him to leave, and let him know that you will be reviewing whether he can stay on a rolling weekly basis. I would also let him know that any one-off serious incident of bad behaviour will result in an immediate notice of eviction.

Then every time he breaks one of your new rules, make a note of it and let him know that he's falling short of the expected standard and that you are therefore going to have to give him notice to leave, unless he fully apologises and makes amends. Don't enter into any discussion or argument about it, and make a note of any subsequent disrespect that may result.

The hard part is then following through with the whole process, and to actually give him notice. If he is working and is studying, he can find a flatshare, be a lodger, rent a small place etc etc. He may be angry with you in the short term, but* *he will never change or properly grow up unless you force some normal adult boundaries on him.