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AIBU?

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Original poster

To love but not like my adult son.

446 replies

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 29/02/2024 16:25

Well he needs to stand on his own two feet as an independent young man not dependant on mummy who by gender association, he hates.

He will also make an utterly shit manager, and one who will probably end up with loads of grievances if he has that attitude. I assume he wants to be a manager so he has ‘control’.

your poor DD’s who are also seeing all this.

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2024 16:25

SomeCatFromJapan · 29/02/2024 14:22

Get him to fuck.

Yep.

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/02/2024 16:23

He's not going to learn how to build healthy relationships with other adults while you are supporting and encouraging him to be like this. Try very, very hard not to get upset when you're talking to him, even if he's being stupid and rude. But you need to set some limits, any limits, and stick to them - he will probably kick back and try to make more work for you but stay strong. Things will be better and happier for your DH and DDs and you.

terfinthewild · 29/02/2024 16:23

You behave like his slave and then wonder why he acts like a tyrant? Can't all be his father's fault- you had a hand in raising him too!

Coyoacan · 29/02/2024 16:19

I hate to think of how he would be as a manager

Loadsofmoggies · 29/02/2024 16:18

Why is he still living with you? Do not feel guilty - it’s time for him to make his own way and be independent.

Weddingmom · 29/02/2024 16:15

You make excuses every post

BallaiLuimni · 29/02/2024 16:12

I used to assess children and adults for learning disabilities in a past career and some children with undiagnosed disabilities ended up behaving in this way because they couldn't cope with adult life. It seemed like they should be capable of living like any other 20something but when it came down to it they found life totally overwhelming and responded by being difficult, rude, lazy etc. It was a very hard thing to deal with at that stage of their life and some were totally resistant - the only option was for the parent to go hard line as everyone has suggested here and kick them out, for their own sanity. But for some, an acknowledgement that things were hard for them and some real support turned things around completely they managed to get it together. They didn't always end up with the life they wanted but they had a life they could cope with.

If you want to improve things, it might be worth sitting down with him and trying to talk things through, or suggesting he sees a counsellor/you go to family counselling?

Fraaahnces · 29/02/2024 16:12

You know that you’re the reason he doesn’t respect women, right? You don’t demand that he treats you with respect and extend consequences if he doesn’t. Why would you allow him around your daughters? They are going to grow up seeing you support this misogynistic grunt and maybe think that they don’t deserve better. This must also put pressure on your marriage… You say he won’t be in touch when he finishes… Why wait? You don’t even like him.

DarkGlassesAndHat · 29/02/2024 16:12

dandeliondandy · 29/02/2024 15:53

At present he does not have the maturity or the right temperament for a management job. What he needs is a big dose of humility and to lose his crappy attitude.

Show quote history

I would agree with this.

I'm a director in a multinational and I can say confidently that he would get nowhere in management in a decent organisation - other than out of the door with his P45 - if he truly thinks and behaves as you describe.

Even Victorian mill owners had some humility.

He sounds appalling, I'm afraid.

ThisSideOfTheLight · 29/02/2024 16:03

hagchic · 29/02/2024 14:43

I think your son is getting a hard time here.

He's living at home - yes, so are many many young people.

His expectations are unreasonable - so change them.

Neither parent wants him - they both want to carry on with their new lives - how long has that being going on for? Feeling unwanted is pretty harsh on any young person.

You prefer you perfect daughters from your new relationship - what a shocker.

You clearly want to ditch your 'broken' son from your old broken relationship, but you are still his parent, he is still your son.

I get that he is unlikeable at the moment - he's still got lots of growing up to do, and he still needs parental support at times for that.

The easy 'throw him out' option is so unthinking - is this going to help him develop into a better person - it's possible i suppose but it may also push him further into thinking that he is unloveable and unloved and into hating those he perceives as have rejected him.

He is 24.

He abuses the family he lives with - and takes advantage of.

He openly loathes women.

He mocks his mother - who seems to serve all his needs.

He damages property he isn't paying for and sneers when there is any objection...

Why do you think he is getting a hard time?

YeahIsaidit · 29/02/2024 15:55

You can't blame how a kid turns out on one parent, his dad and you BOTH played a part in it. Don't be lazy and take some responsibility

dandeliondandy · 29/02/2024 15:53

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:53

He does work but there's no opportunity for management in his current job.
He is at college and the career he has chosen will potentially have opportunities for management, eventually.
He doesn't have lots of friends but does know a few like minded people who find his outspoken rudeness amusing.
As far as I'm aware he's never been abused or suffered any harm or trauma.
Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum.
He has no special needs and had a perfectly loving upbringing, albeit his parents were separated.

Show quote history

At present he does not have the maturity or the right temperament for a management job. What he needs is a big dose of humility and to lose his crappy attitude.

Wishlist99 · 29/02/2024 15:50

I think you might need some counselling OP as you’ve been in an abusive relationship (with your son) for years, and your thinking is so impaired that you assumed posters would think you were a monster for wanting him out of your house aged 24.

you have put up with enough and you need to start by stopping the laundry and then cut back on other services from there, culminating in him leaving the house for good.

dandeliondandy · 29/02/2024 15:50

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

He is an adult. Why are you catering to him as though he were a seven year old? He is old enough to clean up, do his own washing and if he is working, to contribute his share to the household. If he doesn't want to do that then the door is open and he can go get a room in a shared house but what you MUST stop is being a doormat and allowing him to treat you with such contempt.

beatrix1234 · 29/02/2024 15:49

Why would you “quick him out”? Doesn’t he have a father?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/02/2024 15:46

Itscatsallthewaydown · 29/02/2024 15:44

I think you might be slightly overinvested. Might be an idea to take a step back; it’s not your life.

Show quote history

What the fuck are you on about?

I'm not in the slightest bit over-invested, I am just asking a question.

Itscatsallthewaydown · 29/02/2024 15:44

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/02/2024 15:42

So are you kicking him out with immediate effect, OP? Or are you giving him notice? If so, how long?

And if he has a period of notice, are you going to stop doing his washing, making his lunch etc with immediate effect?

Show quote history

I think you might be slightly overinvested. Might be an idea to take a step back; it’s not your life.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/02/2024 15:42

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 13:56

It's definitely time for him to find somewhere of his own, I think he'd also be happier in the long run, even if he doesn't see it straight away, he'll have a bit of independence, no one to answer back to as he could do what he wants.

Hopefully his attitude will run its course, though I doubt it all the time his dad reinforces it.

Thanks to everyone who replied, I expected to be told I shouldn't kick him out but for the girls and my marriage and his development I think it's the only option.
I can't say anything about his dad's influence to him because he's very defensive and won't hear it but I hope he'll see for himself that it hasn't got him very far.

So are you kicking him out with immediate effect, OP? Or are you giving him notice? If so, how long?

And if he has a period of notice, are you going to stop doing his washing, making his lunch etc with immediate effect?

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2024 15:38

maddening · 29/02/2024 11:40

Can you help him fund a flatshare?

Why the fuck would she do that!

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 29/02/2024 15:31

I wouldn't have a man like this in my house, regardless of relation.

You do realise that some sons murder their mothers?

Domestic abuse isn't just in relationships. He is exploiting you and treating you as sub human.

beatrix1234 · 29/02/2024 15:00

@taylorswift1989 Women are not responsible for male abuse.

she raised this cretin, gives him a roof and free labour while listening to his horrible views on women, OP’s being abused. So are her daughters. It’s on everyone’s best interest (the OP, the sisters, him and the community) that this man leaves the home and starts learning how to clean, cook and sort himself out without abusing women.

taylorswift1989 · 29/02/2024 14:54

Stop telling OP it's all her fault!

Talk about victim blaming.

I guess it makes it easier to believe it would never be your child abusing you because youre so much better/stronger/whatever, but come the fuck on.

Women are not responsible for male abuse.

gannett · 29/02/2024 14:52

He seems to be in a cycle of wanting a girlfriend but can't get a girlfriend, getting a girlfriend and treating her appallingly so he gets the boot, hating woman again and can't get a girlfriend. Cycle repeats.

Good on the girlfriend, at least!

OP, learn from her example...

beatrix1234 · 29/02/2024 14:48

You’re sending him a terrible message as a woman by cooking and cleaning for this man who has a “terrible “ Opinion of women. If he shares so many values with his misogynistic dad send your son to live with the ex so he can clean and cook for him And share their incel values in their comfort of their home. Why are you putting up with this shyte?

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