To love but not like my adult son.

Tell him he needs to go stay with his dad.

He isn’t his Dad.

tell him to go live with his dad for the next 24 years.

For the sake of your DDs you have to kick him out. No three strikes and you're out. He needs to go and go now. the situation is not going to get better magically however it will definitely get worse.

Most college courses aren’t 37.5 hours a week so he probably will have some capacity to work like most students have to.

It would have to be a room in a shared house but that’s fine. Might do him good to be around more young people and hear how they see the world and interact with each other.

He's 24! He's an adult that's essentially being abusive to his mum and the other people in the house.

Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum

In other words, she didn't put up with his shit.

Jeez, back yourself off.

I can't believe you are letting this person be around your daughters. He listens to Andrew Tate? Good grief. Come on mom, you have more than one child here. It is time for your son to get out of the house.

It's gross how any time an older DC is being challenging, the first thing people jump to is to kick them out rather than try to work out why they're behaving the way they are and try to find a way to work through it. Horrible, honestly horrible.

Attending college or not, he should not be in your home any longer. If he wants to continue going to college to get ahead in the world, then he can work that out himself. He is toxic to your home and you are allowing that to happen.

Are you physically afraid of him? Is that why you haven't told him to leave?

Are you and @hagchic on glue? Or just both have a shocker case of internalised misogyny?

He sounds both awful and deeply unhappy.

I don’t think anyone would like him.

But the only favour you can do him OP is to force him to stand on his own two feet. In the nicest way, you are making a bad situation worse.

Stop doing anything for him. Set the house rules. If he breaks them, then two strikes and out. He’s young and can find a bloody sofa to sleep on.

Family scapegoat at it's finest

So a 24 year old man who damages a home that is paid for by others, mocks, insults, ridicules, sneers and treats his mother like a skivvy is to be excused?

This place is crazy

This ^^

How long has this young man spent being the child of a broken marriage that neither parent is really invested in?!

Family scapegoat at it's finest

This is an excellent point!

They are learning from you and you are teaching them that it’s ok for a man to act like this and you’ll still do everything for him.

I’m also concerned about your daughters, what example are they getting? You’re doing all this free labour for a man who looks down on women and treats everyone appealing (them included) and sending them the message that it’s ok to put up with these type of men and ok to live in fear. What a terrible example for them.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

You doing this is actually enforcing his views about women.

Why would you do all of this for a grown adult, especially one that is so rude to you.

Discipline and having rules are just as much a part of parenting as love and providing are.

He cannot learn right and wrong if he’s not taught it.

You need to show him that his behaviour is unacceptable by stopping doing these things for him or to get him to live with his dad.

I can guarantee he doesn’t get on with the SM because she doesn’t put up with his shit.

You’d be doing him a favour by having stricter rules or making him move out.
Do not feel guilty for trying to make him a better person.

Stop being his slave for starters, nobody is making you do that. If he damages something, he fixes it or pays for a new one. If he won't do those things, he's out. He's plenty old enough to get his own place.

OP, you're worried he will move out and cut ties.

But if he's going to do this, he might as well do it now as in one, two, three years time, do you see? He'll milk you for all you are worth - cooking, cleaning funding him, caring for him while he's at college, and then he'll take whatever job and flat come his way (possibly he thinks he'll find himself a nice submissive girlfriend to take over where you leave off) and you STILL won't hear from him again.

Keeping him at the moment won't make him any less likely to storm off into the night. Better get it done now, and show your daughters that cocklodger men aren't welcome in your lives.

Lots of abused wives become abused mothers. Sons are often encouraged by their fathers to be abusive and there is little support for this. When women speak up about the abuse they are berated for being a walkover.

I think the behaviour the op describes is the tip of the iceberg. His contempt and disrespect is blatant and it’s clear he has gained power within the home.

The op needs support and advice. Not berating. She’s obviously very frightened of him.

This really concerns me. I feel like I’ve been more paranoid in posting lately, or perhaps I’m too sensitive (these bloody “quality of life” death meds aren’t helping) or maybe I’m just seeing more danger?

Andrew Tate isn’t just a misogynist. I believe he’s either now convicted or very, VERY strongly suspected as a rapist and a sex trafficker. Boys and men who listen to him both hate women and want to use and degrade them at the same time; to them, all women are not just worthless, but also whores. The overlap between these guys and the original “involuntary celibate” (incel) community is basically a Venn diagram with two completely overlapping circles. They loathe women, but want sex so badly that they believe basically some form of rape should be legal. And I have no idea why, but they ALL seem to have a fetish for younger teenage girls, who they believe will be virgins, and girls who are shown in such a way in anime.

His outwardly stated opinions alone make him a bad mix for a house with two teens of any gender, but I legitimately think you could end with a much worse situation with two teen daughters, where he might actually be a danger to them, or just make them feel unsafe/steal their personal belongings, etc. Female underwear disappearing from the wash, etc.

The problem is that people who don’t respect women don’t think they’re people. And if you don’t think a woman is a person, then you treat her as less than a person. And that’s dangerous, in my opinion. I’m not around men like that, I don’t even interact with them online, I wouldn’t want my children (male or female) around them, and that’s pretty much all there is to it.

Start making staying at your home exactly like being in a rental by himself - no washing, no tidying, no meals prepared. Charge him a small weekly rent and food contribution, and if you want, give it back when it’s time as a rental deposit. But he had the option of not ostracizing his whole family (his stepmum, now you) and he chose this. I know people with fathers who were terrible and they still turned out lovely, so no excuses.

When are you asking him to leave?

Im getting incel vibes from this...as others have said he would absolutley not be living in my house if he had such an open hate of women! He needs some seriously tough love and by the sounds of it some therapy to try and tackle this issue about women because I wouldnt want a man like that being out in society with those sort of toxic opinions coming across others that think in the same way or praying on some poor unsuspecting women. Your son needs to learn some respect like right now! And yes please stop cooking and cleaning up after him because kindly, you are only fueling this situation and making him think its acceptable to be this way because your still doing everything for him like a child. He needs to grow the f*k up!