To love but not like my adult son.

Am I the only one creeped out by reading that an adult misogynist abuses his family who then meekly slave after him like he’s a God? When he rapes someone or ties them in a coercive relationship, you can take a fair share of the blame.

Time to cut the apron strings!!!

Tell him he has two options
A pay for his own accommodation, flat share whatever
B Go live with his useless Dad
Its gone on long enough.
Fuck that shit!

February 2024!

I'm so sorry for your situation @Mom202 - you might get some better responses than @Passingstranger has supplied if you copy and paste your post as a new post in a kinder section than AIBU.

I would remind him that letting him live with you rent free while he does his college course at the age of 24 is a favour not an entitlement and that whilst he lives with you he has certain responsibilities ie cleaning up after himself, being respectful etc. This needs to be enforced or it does nobody ( including him) any favours.
If he doesn't play ball then he needs to leave.
You don't want your daughters to think this is an acceptable way for men to behave around women.

I wouldn't have an andrew tate fsna around daughters

Chuck him out. He's making everyone's lives unpleasant and it's the only way he'll learn. I mean the cheek of his behaviour really. You deserve much better than this.

@redcloudsunshinehow are things with your son, hope they're a bit better?

Bit of a zombie, and the OP hasn't come back

Yes, this, out! He needs to go and you needn't wash another sock or make another meal for him again. Then he might learn to value the quiet selflessness of women. But he really needs to stand on his own two feet now as he has been enabled too long.

He can move into the YMCA while he finishes his course. No need for you to endure another year. If he’s not going to speak to you when he leaves anyway, then there’s nothing to be gained by delaying his exit.
I had to do that with my son as he made all our lives a misery.

No wonder he doesn't get on with step mom she probably doesn't put up with his shit!

So your validating his options of women by doting on him.

I do have a 2.5 year old girl who I love unconditionally but I just don’t have that same bond towards my son

I do have a 2.5 year old girl who I love unconditionally, she melts my heart but I just can’t seem to have the same feelings towards my son

This is a great advert for trying to sell the message that child free is best lol.

I’m just going to be honest and straight forward.
i do not like my son, I have no bond with him and he infuriates me.
hes 19 has slight autism.
he does nothing in the house unless I nag him to do it.
his room is a tip,
he stinks because he just does not bring his clothes down to wash, he does bath every other day.
theres just no conversation from him and all he does is say “ye”
his teeth are rotten from the amount of coke he is drinking and not brushing his teeth, we are in the process of getting his teeth done but it’s costing me hundred of pounds at each visit because the amount of work need doing.
i explain he needs to help with the stuff in the house to contribute towards the money spent on him.
he only drinks coke and eats chicken nuggets.
he has no feelings towards anyone and although he doesn’t have an attitude or he doesn’t back chat, it’s the lack of anything from him that annoys me so much.
so much to the point i just don’t like him.
i should be grateful that he’s not out drinking and taking drugs but it’s annoying me that he never leaves the house unless it’s for the shop and all he doesn’t is sit in his room playing on his pc.
there is just nothing from him at all

I really hope you've kicked him out by now, OP. You are clearly enabling his bad behaviour and teaching your daughters that men should be pandered to.

Agreed. I mostly come here for the entertainment aspect

Buy a book called boundaries by Dr Henry cloud.
Read it.
Implement what you've learnt.

Sounds like you are trying to shift any blame off yourself.
Fair enough you don't feel you can change your son, but nor should you.
But where you are really missing something, is implementing boundaries and giving him his own problems to deal with.

E.g.
If he chooses to do x, then it has y consequences.
Ie if he damages your house, he gets a bill for repairs or has to make good the damage. If he wants to live at home he gets charged for food and rent and bills.
If he's nasty to you, he gets warnings and is then not allowed to live at the house.

You need to rather than being resentful and passive, start standing up setting boundaries and following through.

You are actually part to blame here. Not just his dad.
Because you are not giving him problems as a consequence of his behaviour that you are finding is making you resentful ect.

He's 24. He's a man, an adult. No life lessons will be learned if his every need continues to be met by his parent/s. Allow him the freedom to become a more mature adult by encouraging him to live his own life, make his own mistakes, own them, and learn from them. Right now the OP is not allowing him that growth. Also, to help the OP rather than knock her for her honesty, perhaps it would be a good idea if she wrote a line down the middle of a page with "old me" and "new me" either side. Write down 10 bullets underneath - under "old me" all the constraints that this living situation ahs put her in (e.g. no time for me, constant worry about mood in the house, daughters learning bad behaviour, etc). And under "New me" things like "time for myself" "calm in the house/not worrying about xyz related to son", "daughters no longer exposed to bad behaviour and learning this" etc. It will soon become clear from the simple exercise why a change is necessary. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. It may be worth speaking to a charity like Family Action" who can help with guidance on how best to approach it. I hope it works out for the OP and her family.

Exactly! So much disgusting hate around for troubled, impressionable people (man-children) to latch onto, and 100% agreed. That's the thing with therapy. It only works if people want to change and getting to that point is really difficult. It takes a lot of self control to help someone towards that rather than walking away, but doesn't the OP want her son to become likable again and live a happier life? He's going to cause a gaping hole in his family, totally isolate himself and probably never have a healthy romantic relationship ever in his life if he continues in this path.

If you go to the OP's son and say he seems unhappy and maybe he should talk to someone about that and he says f* off, then you boot him out and just keep checking in to see if he's ready to listen/talk/change. But if that hasn't been tried, considering a slightly tricky childhood, it seems like an opportunity to repair and help him become a happier person for the rest of his life will have been missed.

The OP can't keep being his maid, that isn't helping anyone, but she could try to come at this from an angle of helping him be better rather than what he will see as punishing him, when it's possible he only holds these awful opinions and treats his loved ones like this because of mental health issues. Lots of people, men especially, are walking defense mechanisms and the inability to talk can lead to worse and worse behaviour.

Does the OP want to like her son again? Because I think that might be more likely if she tries to get him into therapy and draws some rigid boundaries at home, rather than going from one day being his slave to the next kicking him out with no normal level of parenting in between. He obviously has to go if, having tried that, he's still abusive towards his family, but isn't it worth a shot?

Those of you saying throw him out, don't cook or clean for him.....I had the same kind of situation, tried doing exactly as you suggested, many years ago, and although it took the aggravation away from the home and the remainder of the family, it took 23 years to recover and finally have a decent relationship. It's not so easy as just cutting ties, he's her child (albeit grown up), she hasn't necessarily coddled him or "allowed" him to behave this way. Some troubled young adults can be worse with this kind of discipline. I know the mother will have sought to placate his anger in many ways, to no avail because he has the backing of his natural father, whom he clearly admires and respects. The best solution could be to get counselling, for the mother and family at least, if not for the son. I doubt if he'd accept it anyway, just make it another reason to be woman-hating. Mum - try to distance yourself from his anger, he has a problem that he can't or won't deal with. Suggest nicely that he might like to go live with his father, since they both share the same outlook. Of course, he'll see that as rejection from you, so again get counselling about how to proceed. I think his issues are deep-rooted from the split from his father and his father's poisoning of his views. I feel for you redcloudsunshine, hang on in there and be strong. 💪

I would tell him to move out.

otherwise you’ll be sick with him until he finds some poor women to couple up with and take on the mothering. Judging by his charm that could be a while.

what does DH say? Surely he wants him out?