Calling somebody else dad

If the little lad wants to call the new partner ‘dad’ and it’s bring fine from his choding and not directed by adults - Let him.

I am Mum . My adopted daughter has had many foster mums . And her birth mother.

We refer to her birth mum as ‘ mum’ - in context so we know we are not referring to me and I’m cool with that. Occasionally she will refer to her by name but mainly ‘my mum’.

I am totally fine with that - ‘mum’ is not a protected word. Most of us on this site are called mum or a variant of it… I know I am the mum whom has raised my daughter and who parents her. Having another mum doesn’t take away anything from me. Using the same word doesn’t dilute down my love for her.

rather than getting hung up on the word - he needs to focus on keeping a strong relationship with the child. A child can not be loved too much and a child with 2 ‘dads’ who both contribute to loving and raising them is lucky . I can see it may be less confusing if one is ‘dad’ one ‘daddy’ one ‘papa’ etc but if in that little lads eyes both are ‘dad’ then so be it.

of course he needs to be clear who is the bio dad and who is the step dad as he grows - but it’s so important that within each family unit the little lad feels part of it and if he wants to call this guy ‘dad’ then let him.

as an adoptive parent I thought before my child was placed that I would be fiercely jealous and cross that others have been my daughters mother before me - but when it came to it - I’m not and I see that ‘mum’ is a role and a word that many have undertaken in my daughters life. Yes now - I’m over the moon to be her ‘mum’ but that others have been too - doesn’t dilute down that I am her mum. Our love for each other is built upon how I care and protect and am involved in her life. I am glad that she did have these other women in her life that gave her life or nurtured her (foster mums) before she came to me but I am not threatened by a word . If tomorrow she decided to call me ‘trumpetjelly’ rather than ‘mum’ anymore I would very much be her mum.

focus on the relationship not the title!

I am on the bio dads side here... I also happen to be in a similar situation 😔,
I split from my 2 children's mother when my daughter was 3, and my son was almost 5. Within a year my ex was with someone new and pregnant, and all of a sudden I wasn't allowed contact. Only recently I've been granted contact with my daughter (now almost 12) after her mother put her in to the care system.. When my daughter talks about her home life she describes it as my mum and dad... This destroys me inside because I'm her dad, and nothing can ever change that 😭

If you educate the child so they have an understanding and they still choose what they call each person - that’s their decision. I had separated parents and both my parents moved on fairly quickly. I had the ‘talk’ multiple times yet I still chose to call my stepdad ‘dad’, despite my bio dad still being in my life. My stepdad was a consistent day to day male figure in my life and still to this day, as and adult, I still call him ‘dad’.

See i don’t agree with calling someone else dad unless dad is not and will not be in the child’s life.

My partner has a 5 and a 4 year old with his ex she met someone around the time we got together and she stopped and my partner stopped seeing his children and she’s been calling her boyfriend daddy and has now allowed my partner back in so they’ve essentially got two dads as they work remember my partner from before.

Oh, gosh, absolutely! The child should be calling the new partner 'dad' if he wants to, in that context. My point was that the child should not be expected/pressured to do so, and that the mum really does have a responsibility to have a conversation about multiple 'dads,' to make sure the child knows they don't have to choose.

I think yo've confused me with another poster - I don't have an adopted child.

I really disagree with you. If the boy's mum and boyfriend had a new baby and the boyfriend is known as dad to everyone else in the family it would be very cruel to tell the child they can't call him dad as well, if that's what the child wants to do. It would be different if no new baby as in that case the calling him dad could only have come from the adults involved.

Are you saying your adopted child isn't allowed to call you mum? That's unusual as most adopted children do call their adoptive parents mum, and it doesn't prevent conversations being had about roles different adults play in their lives at all.

Although hurtful to the OP's brother I think he'd be ill advised to say anything to his son about this, of course he should allow his son to talk about the new step parent etc though.

I see your point but this picture was drawn at his Dad's house and was described by the boy as a picture of "his family".

I don't think the picture's concerning no.
My child draws a picture of our family here as me her and our pets.
When she draws a picture of the other side it's her dad and his partner a lot of the time.
It's just cos we're never all together that's all

I don't know if you've noticed, but this is actually a chat forum, not a peer-reviewed journal. So yes, this is my opinion. It's also what I've gleaned from reading about parenting. But no, I'm not going to do your research for you. If you don't feel you agree with me and you want to do more - and you're not confident in your own view - then you need to go off and do the work, like everyone else.

I think you must have misread, misunderstood, or skimmed my point about it being wonderful for a child to feel they have many parents. It is not about gender. You suggested I was objecting to a child calling two men 'dad'. I explained that, no, my issue was with the duration of the relationship and the attitude of the established parents. I mentioned that my personal circumstances mean that I am thoroughly familiar with children calling multiple parents 'mum', because your implication was that my objection was homophobic.

I've no issue with a child having multiple 'dads' or multiple 'mums'. It's wonderful when a child feels they have lots of parents. I do have an issue with a child feeling they have to decide between two dads, which seems to be the problem here.

I don't think the issue here is that the little boy is calling Stuart dad, I would be more concerned by the fact he is drawing a picture of his family and leaving his dad out of it all together.

'Children do that sort of thing - calling a new partner 'dad' either because they're starved of paternal affection, or because they want to please mum. '

I'm interested in where you found the facts and evidence to support this or is it your opinion?

'my DD has two mums. It's entirely possible, since my ex-P and I are separated, she will end up with more women she views as mothers. I think that is wonderful.'

So, you're saying it's wonderful if a child has more than one woman whom they view as a mother but 'not healthy' if a child has more than one man whom they view as a father. That doesn't make sense.

can he have more contact so he help his DS have a greater understanding that he has two families. One with Dbro as dad. And one with mum and stepdad

I think it is very much comparable to brushing his teeth.

For the sake of his own wellbeing, this child should be gently corrected when referring to a fairly new adult in his life as 'dad'. It isn't healthy. Nor does it seem healthy that the mum, in this case, is pretending it's not an issue that the child wants to 'replace' one dad with another. Children do that sort of thing - calling a new partner 'dad' either because they're starved of paternal affection, or because they want to please mum. In both cases (and even if it's the first option, and the bio dad is at fault), the solution is not to say 'well, the child knows best! He said it so it must be fine!'.

I don't think it is necessarily the case that the dad is 'jealous' - could well be he is more upset and concerned that his son is feeling under pressure to 'choose' the mother's new partner. That's a reasonable worry.

I never said there was anything wrong with a child calling two men dad - and, in the post you're replying to, I pointed out that my DD has two mums. It's entirely possible, since my ex-P and I are separated, she will end up with more women she views as mothers. I think that is wonderful. But the situation described here doesn't sound wonderful.

I would tell your brother to chat with your nephew and reassure him that he is his dad and always will be. I don't agree with ranging boyfriends who have only came around down the line being called dad, same for mum and girlfriends, especially if a parent is in the picture

I think this is a totally different situation as the fact that family courts/ss are involved tells us that this is not a cohesive, blended, loving family. The ex sounds like a controlling abusive person so in this case I'd agree with the courts as it does sound like he is trying to alienate the mother of his child, I dread to think what else he may have done😥 You can't force this kind of thing. To a degree, you have to be led by the child as you should in any situation where emotions and big change happens for children. Love them, listen to them and talk to them. And be the adult.

This isn’t comparable to not brushing his teeth. It’s not something he needs to do , or not to do , for the sake of his own health / wellbeing, it’s about how he defines and recognises his own relationships with different people in his life. And yes that should be about what the child is comfortable with/ what feels natural to him , and not something that should be controlled by / subject to his parents’ issues or his dad’s jealousy.

Who said anything about not talking to the child?! Sure, that is important to keep the lines of communication open: but nothing at all wrong, per se, with him calling two men “dad”.

A client’s ex was encouraging their child to call his partner ‘mummy’. He was told by the family court judge in no uncertain terms that the child only had one mummy, and that it was to stop immediately. It didn’t and social services noted it as parental alienation - which is saying something as ss and the courts avoid using that phrase. It is exactly that though.

I really disagree with this.

You surely don't let your child do whatever makes them 'feel comfortable,' do you? My child would feel most comfortable never brushing her teeth, for example. She hates it. But, of course, I have to make her do it. She also doesn't want to learn her spellings. Again, sadly ... she has to.

Everything I have ever read about child development and parenting indicates that it is really important you do not fob children off with the easy, 'comfortable' answer. And I've read a lot, because I am not my daughter's biological mother. In the OP, that's a child who could be simply expressing a felt relationship (that's lovely!) Or, trying to find a way to welcome a new adult (that's lovely too!). Or, the child could be trying to please mum (and that's also a very nice thing the child is doing). Finally, the child could be trying to construct a family that 'looks like' the families he's come to understand are normal.

There's nothing wrong with talking to a child about all of these possibilities. In fact, it's very important.

I very much doubt the Mum would be so breezy about it if/when her ex gets a new gf and her son started calling her Mummy….

He collects him from school on a Friday afternoon and drops him back to his mum late Sunday afternoon/early evening. He probably has more actual hours of child time than mum does. Just gently correct every time.

Do you really think a 6 year old has that much comprehension?

Yes this!
Parents need to be parents. If you have ended a relationship and you have children it's not going to be easy. But it's your responsibility as an adult and a parent to care for your child and put their needs first - always and every time. It may be difficult at times -of course - but parenting, good parenting is hard, it's tough but totally worth it! Totally agree with building relationships with the adults too it's what the children need not warring, tetchy adults who can't cope with the fall out of their own decisions. I hope the OPs brother can move on from this - he does seem to have a lovely relationship with his DS and sees him frequently. He is his father and that will NEVER change.

This.
The replies on this thread are shocking. It’s up to the kid what makes him feel comfortable. His dad’s jealousy is not his concern. Of course he needs to understand who his bio dad is, but as long as that’s all clear he can call his step dad/ mums partner / siblings dad whatever he wants !

Mmm that doesn't mean that he has to put to with his child calling him dad
He doesn't have to go mad with child.
But he's every right to tell child not to call him dad

Exactly this. It’s different if he’s been told he has to call stepdad “Dad” but this is probably an innocent six year old trying to process how his family has changed. To him his new brother or sister is his brother or sister, and by extension their dad is also his.
It must hurt bio dad, but six year old is innocent and can’t be made to feel he’s being “bad” by adjusting anyway he has.

Bio dad needs to make an effort to build a civility of sorts with step dad. There is enough love to go around and if it was my kid, as much as it would hurt me, I’d want to know the new step parent feels warmly towards and treats my child well. I wouldn’t want my child to feel “second best” to new brother or sister.