To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

Well you have money in your own right and I think in your position I’d speak to DH and say “Your mum is constantly undermining me and my parenting and has too much say in how we live our lives. I think the amount of financial support she gives us plays a big part in this. The kids are getting older and will pick up on those comments before too long so I suggest we give back the cars and we buy our house (from the sale of my current property) so we can be fully independent and the relationship with MIL can become a bit more balanced. We will also be setting a great example for the kids to encourage their own independence away from us when the time comes.”

It’s not an easy decision (who wouldn’t love a free house, free cars and holidays) but I think part of the problem is that your MIL doesn’t respect you or your DH. She’s treating you both as overgrown children and unless you make a decision to completely cut these financial ties, I can’t see it changing.

Why ? Because her MiL has bought control of their lives and feels entitled to say and do whatever she wants ? OP doesn’t actually have anything, depending on how enforceable the pre nup is, so given the strings attached I don’t see how she’s lucky.

Exactly. Hit the nail on the head.
So many bitter posters saying get back to work. Pure jealousy of the financial position. Loads of posters will have MIL like this who will have got sweet FA from them!
Does anyone on this thread honestly believe that MIL would be sweet as pie if the OP got a job and they both took no more handouts and paid for the house?
MIL would be like this money or no money!!

Kindly, OP, you sound young and spoiled and completely unaware of your extraordinary privilege. If you won't work, and thus build some independence and resilience, at least volunteer a couple of days with a charity so that you get a taste of what most ordinary people have to put up with. Sometimes you need a wider perspective to enable you to see how fortunate you are and how little things that wind you up matter. If you've got nothing serious or worrying going on in your life then you tend to make big things out of tiny things that the rest of us ordinary mortals would just laugh at.

This. But doubt OP wants to tbh. Sounds like quite a nice cushy life playing at grown ups without any of the grown up responsibility.

There’s an old saying that goes something like “the borrower is a slave to the lender”. If you’re being supported with things like a house, a car, baby necessities, and holidays — there isn’t much to fund in life beyond food if those things are covered! — to the point that you don’t have to work to fund your lifestyle, then I think YABU to expect that she won’t want a say in said lifestyle.

If you want to be free of her involvement, I think you need to stop accepting the lifestyle subsidy.

With a pre nup, if the marriage goes tits up - and if DH won’t stand up to his mum it becomes a question of how long before this happens - OP has precisely nothing. She has no choice but to fall in line and accept MiL’s behaviour, or walk away. Sounds like MiL knew exactly what she was doing. Control bought and paid for.

@danialan the holiday thing?! No more of that!!! You are not the hired help!! Why are they treating you like the nanny?! N ct time it comes up you say no because you leave me to parent alone. I want quality family time without your mother . And book a trip.

if he manages to persuade you to go one more time at the first sign of him doing that you say ‘no he needs to parent’. If he doesn’t help you get hen you need to make a fuss coz right now he’s acting like her companion not yours! You need to cut those apron strings! You have a DH issue.

Terrible attitude! So money equals being treated badly forever? No way

I don’t think the examples you’ve given are that bad, I don’t know - maybe it’s my sense of humour.

This. A roof over my head and the chance to sit at home all day? Believe memo have a cushier life than most.
Although I do admit if someone insulted my deceased gran's name I would be angry too.

Count your blessings. You’ve been very lucky.

I don’t think she owns you because she is CHOOSING to give you gifts. She might but unless she’s explicitly given those terms and conditions then don’t accept weird controlling behaviour.

also just coz she’s older doesn’t mean she’s expert- times are very different, situations are different. She was expert making decisions in her time and situation for her kids as she knew all the facts. U are for yours. Also she was only each age once, as you are, so same level of experience but yours is more current. Don’t lose yourself in this.

can you let it was over you with closed phrases like ‘hmmm, ah I see, oh interesting, good point’ then ignore it.
for the direct ones you need to shut it down eg sofa one ‘oh she’ll be fine anyway … change subject. Or ‘yeah we let her do that- don’t look then!’ And make husband be on same page.

good luck- I would say something nicely and ask my husband to support. But u won’t change her so I’d pick my essential battles and reduce info to her that she can comment on.

I’m sorry but when someone finances your entire life of course there’s going to be comments.

A bit like when you tell your child they can buy one thing from the toy if you really think they are being silly about their choice you direct them to something better. That’s what you Mil is doing. She’s being mum because she’s paying for everything.

You married your husband knowing this, you get to be a sahm because of her, not him. Frankly you where stupid to marry him if you couldn’t deal with the none life of the family you where marrying into.

When you accept any financial help from people, they have the power over you to comment on how you live your life. As you say, she'd no doubt continue if you got a job. Honestly, in your position (the money to DH is never going to stop) I'd just learn to tune her out.
I have a completely different dynamic with my MIL (no help financially or otherwise) but she is very vocal about her opinions. I will either ignore, laugh it off and have some banter with her or tell her to give it a rest. It's an active decision to be a door mat or disrespected by a MIL. The best relationships come from being open and honest. When she comments on things, answer her back!

Maybe she doesn't respect your lack of independence and gratitude.
Do you ever do nice things for her?

Because she spends a lot of money on you she thinks she can speak to you how she likes. Unfortunately everything comes at a price

Clearly the house was gifted before they were married if there’s a pre nup in place. Regardless of that though, it’s not a reason to behave the way MiL does. It’s controlling.

Sorry I suspect you don’t want to hear this but if she is funding your choice to be a SAHM this isn’t going to change. I’d strongly advice maintaining some financial independence and stop accepting the handouts if you don’t like the strings

I don't like the big pile-on of OP re financial help. Most of us accept support of some kind or other from family. In my case it's physical help because they're not wealthy but it's help nonetheless.

OP, I think the best advice is to have a stock number of trite responses and otherwise let them roll off you. in my case it was a variety of 'is that right' and 'Oh yeah?' and then continue to parent exactly as before. Frankly, her giving out because you brought the kids to a museum is hysterical. Obviously theres no winning with her, so better to shrug it off and take some breaks from seeing her. Send your DH with the kids & do something else.

Ive seen hundreds of posts on here over the years about interfering Grandparents, you're not at all unique unfortunately. Your options are either to distance yourself (which you say your husband is reluctant to do) or to change your reaction to the comments.

@MrsCarson has it right about the dcs. It's not good for them to think this is normal.

As they say there’s no such thing as a free lunch
I think her finical involvement make her think she has some input

It is with my Mil and my previous lovely Mil. And my late dm. And so it is with me and dcs/friends and family. You should never give and expect anything I'm return. Or think it gives you power over someone

This whole thing is unhealthy.

You could always tell Dh he can either have your back and help stop her criticisms and undermining of you or you could move to your own house and he can visit if he is so attached to material things she uses to control him.
I'd also tell him that you and the kids will no longer go on her toxic holidays you would like to relax and not listen to all the things not done to her way or her standard.
He either wants a happy family with you or to be single and see them during visitation.
The kids will soon start to pick up on the comments and it is hard for a child to see/hear their parent being reprimanded and it won't do your/his relationship with them any good.

I live like a child dependent on handouts and don't like the downside.. ...