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Original poster

To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

317 replies

danialan · 28/02/2024 14:16

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 29/02/2024 09:17

Calliopespa · 29/02/2024 09:15

If I was MIL paying for the trip ( on top of everything else) this would piss me off if I then got left babysitting while Madam went for spa treatments.

Yes, DH should absolutely pull his weight with the childcare but this suggestion is just so obnoxious and entitled and dripping with the attitude that makes older generations see modern ones as frankly a histrionic, self-centred pain in the arse.

Show quote history

… why not just be straightforward and ask to please be included in the adult time rather than flouncing off for a deluge of spa treatments?

Calliopespa · 29/02/2024 09:15

Allfur · 29/02/2024 08:38

Also, on holiday, book some treatments for yourself and leave him and her to look after the kids for the equivalent time he fucks off to her

If I was MIL paying for the trip ( on top of everything else) this would piss me off if I then got left babysitting while Madam went for spa treatments.

Yes, DH should absolutely pull his weight with the childcare but this suggestion is just so obnoxious and entitled and dripping with the attitude that makes older generations see modern ones as frankly a histrionic, self-centred pain in the arse.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 29/02/2024 09:14

The house has been gifted and in your husbands name....she cant take it back. Get rid of your pre-nup first and foremost. Then tell her to bugger off.

Malarandras · 29/02/2024 09:03

Thing is OP you do benefit hugely from her financial gifts. Because she is so generous she feels entitled to comment and that doesn’t seem likely to change. If you want the comments to stop you need to stand on your own two feet I’m afraid.

ZetuianRose · 29/02/2024 08:59

danialan · 28/02/2024 14:29

To everything saying "don't accept anything from her". My husband does and will 100% continue to. There's no way I can get him to stop.
But I don't want to have the comments.

Why would you even want to be with a man baby that takes such huge handouts from his parents?

If he’s not grown up enough to stand on his own two feet and support his wife and daughters with these MIL issues then he’s not a very good husband is he? Putting his flash new car and free house above his family’s happiness?

Calliopespa · 29/02/2024 08:55

Allfur · 29/02/2024 08:34

Lean into the situation, as in take what you need from it, take advantage if it and take everything she says with a pinch of salt in a lighthearted way. She's just an irritantant you have to put up with every now and then. Take back your power.

Ie; use her and milk her, but disrespect her.

Nice.

No wonder family units are disintegrating within society.

Stacksnacks · 29/02/2024 08:54

Hatty65 · 28/02/2024 14:24

You can't really have your cake and eat it. As long as you allow her to pay for a house, a car, baby stuff, holidays - and financially allow you to be a SAHM then you've trapped yourself into the role of 'dependent and not grown up enough to support themselves'.

Make your choice. Either carry on like proper grown ups and pay your own way without support from Mummy, in which case I'd feel free to say, 'Yeah - mind your own business, Janet. We're raising children our way'.

Or keep putting your hand out for support, in which case expect to suck it up as the poor relation and tolerate her bossy comments.

Absolutely this! Unfortunately as long as you’re taking her money she’ll be a pain in your arse.

Hereforaglance · 29/02/2024 08:50

So living of the bank of partner and mum in law and yet you still not happy maybe mum in law n partner should stop being so generous and let u stand on ur own to feet for a while few days in the real world

Allfur · 29/02/2024 08:38

Also, on holiday, book some treatments for yourself and leave him and her to look after the kids for the equivalent time he fucks off to her

Allfur · 29/02/2024 08:34

Lean into the situation, as in take what you need from it, take advantage if it and take everything she says with a pinch of salt in a lighthearted way. She's just an irritantant you have to put up with every now and then. Take back your power.

lilmadmel · 29/02/2024 08:33

danialan · 28/02/2024 22:00

@Codlingmoths yeah sort of. He will leave most of his stuff in the kids' part but will go over to his mum's "to help her out" ie bring towels etc, and that leads into a 1-2hr conversation. Then he will be back for a short while, usually just enough for a quick swim with the kids and checking some emails, then his mum wants a cocktail and needs his company because surely she can't drink alone so back he goes for another few hours. By that point we've had lunch with the kids because they got hungry and he was busy "helping" mum with something or just mid conversation, so he has to join his mum for lunch etc. If I ask about it he just says that he can't leave her without company, and im not eating lunch alone as ive got the children (toddlers)

So you go on holiday as the nanny?

You could just not go? Let him take the kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your husband is unwilling to stand up to his mum then this, I’m afraid, is your life. He obviously values his mums opinion more than yours.

Scarletttulips · 29/02/2024 08:25

I would ask politely if there’s anything you do right?
I would also ask your husband to swap places on holiday and see if he enjoys it? Or not go and let him deal with the kids for a week!

Get clever and stop being a victim of your own life.

Yoir DH needs to change or you walk - that simple. He needs retraining.

starfishmummy · 29/02/2024 08:17

Why must yihr dh tell her? You and she are now part of the same extended family, why can't you grow a spine and say something to her?

Richard1985 · 29/02/2024 08:17

danialan · 28/02/2024 22:00

@Codlingmoths yeah sort of. He will leave most of his stuff in the kids' part but will go over to his mum's "to help her out" ie bring towels etc, and that leads into a 1-2hr conversation. Then he will be back for a short while, usually just enough for a quick swim with the kids and checking some emails, then his mum wants a cocktail and needs his company because surely she can't drink alone so back he goes for another few hours. By that point we've had lunch with the kids because they got hungry and he was busy "helping" mum with something or just mid conversation, so he has to join his mum for lunch etc. If I ask about it he just says that he can't leave her without company, and im not eating lunch alone as ive got the children (toddlers)

Don’t know why you even go on these holidays - that is one thing that you could easily put your foot down on.

Holidays with kids are often worse than being at home, especially if there’s no second parent to take some of the load so either he goes alone with his mum so they can relax together or he takes the children with him and you get some peaceful time at home

Fingeronthebutton · 29/02/2024 08:16

He who pays the piper calls the tune.
not that the op would understand that.

Mumofferralkid3 · 29/02/2024 07:56

I couldn't face this. Seems you're being treated like a nanny. Why go on holiday with a single person who won't be flexible or accommodate family life?!? I wouldn't care how posh the holiday was. My in laws always spend time with the kids on holidays as that's kinda the point of going together.

Blue0987 · 29/02/2024 07:41

She sounds nasty but I am of the opinion that you can’t change nasty people.
You can change yourself.
First of all, get a job. You are in your 20s and you are a SAHM?!? That’s a waste and in fact I think it is affecting you. If you had other things to worry about, you would be ignoring your MIL.
also, have a chat with your husband and tell him to speak with her at least about children’s education and stop going on holiday itv her.
I mean, there are so many things you can do!

cerisepanther73 · 29/02/2024 07:39

@danialan

Just thinking 🤔 couldn't your Grandmother's name Arina, be a middle name for your baby daughter c..

Justmyopinionbut · 29/02/2024 07:33

I think there are quite a lot of harsh responses here. We all live in different ways and I can recognise that in some levels of society, the gifting and spending is the natural way if things. However, the strings that come with that don't have to be so dictatorial or offensive. If I were you, you need to show her that you are equal adults. Make some strong decisions for yourselves - not about days out but about things you want to achieve in life, and make them happen without her help. Show some strength to make a difference. You have wealth, show that you can use it to, I don't know, save animals, support a charity, whatever, but something on your terms, not hers. She doesn't seem to have much respect for you. That's what will make it feel less degrading when she comments.

Jcf1977 · 29/02/2024 07:21

The problem here is not your MIL it’s your husband I’m afraid. All the things you describe are classic interfering MIL things, my MIL did all these passive aggressive things, and had a dig at a family name choice. I just told her that it wasn’t her life and so not her decisions (as my husband was a bit crap at that) My MIL paid diddly squat to us so that didn’t cloud the issue. Everyone needs to draw a line in the sand. So she doesn’t speak to the elder child as much. Did she withdraw the house? Just tell her you will parent your way and she’s entitled to her opinion but are making your own choices. Then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to keep giving fancy things to someone who doesn’t want her advice and can stand up for themselves. Presumably if she backs off it’s a win for you? One of you needs to have the conversation if these (mostly petty) things really bother you. If your husband won’t (have you asked him to?) then it needs to be you.

BusyMum47 · 29/02/2024 06:51

@danialan
She sounds hideous but she's pretty much supporting you financially so you're in an awkward position. Is her help out of a genuine desire to be generous to her family or a way of further controlling your lives & making you 'owe' her?

I'd say you either need to continue accepting the help & find a way to deal with her or get a job, stand on your own 2 feet & then you can really push back.

At the moment, she's paid for your house, car, holidays & basically allows for you to be a SAHM, so in her obviously dominant & controlling mind, she feels that she can dictate how you live & bring up your kids!

Only you can change that.

And your DH needs to grow a set & be in it with you 100%!

Pippa12 · 29/02/2024 06:39

Just out of interest why are you not being assertive with your MIL?

Why are you going on these holidays that you don’t enjoy? Why not say ‘we are going on a solo family holiday this year for family bonding but thank you for your offer’ or ‘no thank you, DH doesn’t help with the children, and until he does I’ve decided I don’t want the hassle’.

IMO, the comments about names, falling, outdoor time etc is standard GP behaviour that just needs shutting down. My Nan asked why I was ‘messing about’ with teething crystals, as the baby should be given a lamb bone to chew on!

If all the financial help is ‘gifts’ for your DH and you can be financially independent- why on earth are you sticking around to be treated like this? Just because your spineless DH can be bought, doesn’t mean you have to stoop so bloody low.

StarTrek1 · 29/02/2024 06:35

Fargo79 · 28/02/2024 14:35

Unfortunately your mistake was made many years ago when you settled down with a mummy's boy who is bankrolled by his parents. It's not within your power to have what you want, which is presumably a husband who has a backbone but also a cordial relationship with an MIL who will continue to financially support you both.

You can't make anybody else do what you want so whilst you can advocate for yourself and your kids, you can't force your husband to do the same and you can't stop MIL being a rude, overbearing nightmare. If you have tried talking to your husband and it's falling on deaf ears, then it looks like you have reached a stalemate. You either accept the marriage and in-laws on these terms or you walk away.

This post has nailed it on the head.

Some parents do have a way of pressing our buttons, sadly, even if they’re not funding their child’s lifestyle.

My dad sounds a lot like your MIL. He seems to be full of sound advice for my cats - even though he’s never had one.

He was even managing to push my buttons when we were watching an episode of The Masked Singer!

I grit my teeth and bear it and do what I want to do.

But I have a non-negotiable: my husband. If he dares put a foot wrong with my husband, I’ll rip him a new one. My dad is aware of this boundary and unsurprisingly, doesn’t cross it.

If your husband won’t lay down boundaries with mum, it’s up to you to manage and limit your time in her presence- if her little digs get to you that much.

Time for am honest chat with hubby: say you understand MIL means well but her comments are chipping away at you the point where it’s better for your well-being to restrict how much time you spend with her.

You can really only change yourself and your reactions in this situation.

Codlingmoths · 29/02/2024 06:14

danialan · 28/02/2024 22:00

@Codlingmoths yeah sort of. He will leave most of his stuff in the kids' part but will go over to his mum's "to help her out" ie bring towels etc, and that leads into a 1-2hr conversation. Then he will be back for a short while, usually just enough for a quick swim with the kids and checking some emails, then his mum wants a cocktail and needs his company because surely she can't drink alone so back he goes for another few hours. By that point we've had lunch with the kids because they got hungry and he was busy "helping" mum with something or just mid conversation, so he has to join his mum for lunch etc. If I ask about it he just says that he can't leave her without company, and im not eating lunch alone as ive got the children (toddlers)

Do Not Go on the next one. You exist on this trip only so she gets points for ‘family’ but also her son to himself, go somewhere else or stay home so he can look after his own children or she has to.

RedHelenB · 29/02/2024 06:09

danialan · 28/02/2024 14:20

@DistingusedSocialCommentator what else do I want? To not be put down for every single decision I ever make, including where I take my kids.

And she didn't gift me a house - it's in his name with a strong pre nup.

You're getting the benefit of living there though and being able to be a sahm. I'm sure she's irritating but I think a lot of mums/mils would come out with those examples. Learn to ignore, water off a duckss back. And I do agree that little children should have fresh air and a chance to run around each day as well as going to the museum.

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