To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

When you accepted the house, the car and never needing to work ..... you accepted the over-involvement of MIL. You're going to have to approach this strategically and decide what rights and involvement MIL has, such as which schools the kids go to - epsecially if she's paying. Does brother of DH get the same benefits?

I don't agree with most posters. Gifts shouldn't come with stipulations of disrespect.

When she bought the house for OPs husband did she say "as long you parent your children the way I say?"

The comments are not okay and MIL should be told.

Well, if you want to keep on being a SAHM and keep on accepting the handouts to enable this, then you only have one other choice if your DH won't step in. You'll just have to wait for her to die.

You’ve had so many nasty comments that I’ve read on here.
I get it, my mil is vile. She even told me I was fat at the weekend so that was pleasant. Always telling me I’m not looking after my babies properly, just unpleasant to be around. Because
of that I wouldn’t accept anything off her. I wouldn’t be going on any holidays she paid for, I wouldn’t be comfortable living in a house she paid for etc. I personally am happy seeing my mil twice a year and I can do that because we aren’t reliant on her for anything. If money is the issue I’m afraid you’ll have to go out to work. That way you won’t feel beholden to her.

Personally, I would rather have to work and live somewhere else, than put up with all the nasty and rude comments and micro managing!

I think you need to look up "pre nup"!

People seem to have jumped on the fact that you’ve got a comfortable life and don’t have to work, and I suspect jealousy is underlying the comments of ‘put up and shut up and you’ve been bought and accepted it’.

The thing is, it’s not about that. If you had (or get) a job, there will be an avalanche or critique because you’re ‘abandoning the baby’ and all sorts of absolute nonsense.

She sounds like a covert narcissist and very entitled - your DH has been well trained for years to suck up to her. If he stands up for you there WILL be consequences. Would he choose to protect you and your dignity over nice cars and holidays?

I suspect the other brother is less popular because he sometimes stands up to her? Narcissists always play their children off against each other and will have one Golden Child.

Agree he who pays the piper plays the tune. I had a MIL like this. Offered to pay for lots but totally overrode every decision as a result. My MIL even turned up at a house viewing unannounced calling estate agent by his first name and totally took over. Turns out she wanted to invest in our home. I had totally had enough by this time.
My advice. Talk to DH. Get a job. Feather your own nest. Men with mothers like this rarely stand up to them. She will destroy your marriage. Happened to me.

Then go out get a job and refuse help from her. I’d feel guilty accepting so much from someone I disliked.

imo you don’t owe her anything just because she pays. She is plain rude.

the whole “whoever pays is king” is wrong and that’s the reason many women accept to be treated like garbage by their DHs.

nothing to do with money and all to do with manners and respect.

you need to be respectful but speak your mind, and so does your DH.
on the other hand she sounds like a nightmare so she won’t stop, but at least she knows you are not a pushover.
Good luck

MIL gives you a house, luxury holidays, gifts which you happily accept allowing you to be a SAHM. And she feels entitled to comment on your behaviour.
so you have a choice - either don’t accept the gifts and be self sufficient, or, accept the gifts and shut up.
Your choice.

Wow some proper weird comments in this thread, it doesn't matter how much financial help the mil gives that still does not give her carte blanche to run your lives. The people actually saying that you need to suck it up because of the financial help she gives it doesn't mean she has bought your lives or all your free will that's just an insane way of thinking and I can't belive so many grown supposedly intelligent adults would even think that way let alone say it out loud that's just crazy to me.

Get a job, earn your own money and get some independence. She’s got an opinion on everything you do because she’s bank rolling you and you’re jumping through hoops to make sure the gravy train doesn’t end. Have some self respect and start making your opinions matter and count for something. Your child is growing up seeing and hearing all of this. Set an example and be a good role model for her.

Calliopespa, the op is being taken advantage of, 'used and disrespected' - by giving that back, it resets the balance

"So on the sofa one we were standing close to the sofa, but not holding up DD with our hands and I just repeated 'this is fine' 'she's done this before' 'she's ok'. Then it became redundant because DH already lifted her off."

But really, is this a big thing? My first was incredibly well coordinated and strong when she was tiny. She put the fear of god into everyone when she climbed and balanced like a much older child, without fear. But I knew she could do it. I wasn't a casual parent but I knew that she had this unusual ability so I stood back.
Of course my MIL, my friends, other mums used to warn me and expect me to do something. I'd say the same as you, but occasionally my DH or I would lift her down or support her more anyway, just to save people stressing. Not a biggie.

The holiday and name things are bad, but the rest? You seem to be making a mountain of of a molehill.

"So on the sofa one we were standing close to the sofa, but not holding up DD with our hands and I just repeated 'this is fine' 'she's done this before' 'she's ok'. Then it became redundant because DH already lifted her off."

You can start talking to your DH.
It would take probably one, most two situations like this before I'd lose my shit and tell DH to leave fucking child alone to learn as she normally does when MIL isn't around. Idk why you aren't standing up for yourself more. It's not like you need their money.

When he’s pandering to his mother on holiday getting her another cocktail or whatever, gather yourself and the kids stuff up after half an hour or so and saunter back over there and get settled in, ask him to get you a cocktail and something for the kids while he’s at it. Keep subtly reminding the pair of them that he’s a parent with responsibilities.

BTW everyone there are a couple of perfectly serviceable words in English; given and gave. 'Gifted' isn't posher, better or clearer.

HTH.

This.
ignore the nasty comments, they’re from jealous envious snipers.
Who wouldn’t want to be gifted a house and cars, make life financially more comfortable. But it shouldn’t allow her free rein to be a bitch. A lot of the comments are very typical mil comments which I would be a little more sterner about responding to. But your husband needs to grow a set and tell her to back off and allow you both to raise your kids as you please. And not to run to her frequently to accompany her on cocktail hour!

This has been said a few times and the OP hasn't answered. It's either that she actually loves the holidays and doesn't want to give them up OR she hates them and is coerced to go. But she won't specify.

The answer is just not to go. Or do what we do when we go with various family members; each person gives a list of must-haves and nice-to-haves and of course I someone finds somewhere that fits the bill. If OP wants a kids club and nannies, she can make them a must-have. MIL wants a specific place that doesn't have that, OP doesn't go.

OP you must see that the holidays is DH as much as, if not more than, MIL. The lazy fucker just wants to relax and have you to nanny.

I would sit her down and ask her if her financial assistance comes with strings attached. It's not a gift if it comes with expectations.

Ultimately though she might not be reasonable enough to recognise that and could withdraw her financial support. It boils down to whether you're comfortable being bought at the expense of raising your child in a way you see fit.

I couldn't put up with it for any amount of cash. I'd rather struggle. Particularly when it comes to thinks like managing risk. How your child learns to negotiate safety now will have an impact on how secure and comfortable they are with risk assessment as an adult. Also, the behaviour over naming is subtle racism/xenophobia (sorry, I don't know the origin of the name Arina). I wouldn't want my kid around that kind of nastiness tbh.

All my holidays for about ten years were similar to this (not the part about the wealthy in-laws but the part about being left alone with the kids most of the time while he hung out with his parents and then everyone would act like I should be grateful for my "vacation") and I still haven't gotten over it. Do you enjoy this, basically doing what you already do at home, alone, while your husband panders to his mom?

I eventually started making it very clear to all of them that I was not enjoying the vacation and that this was totally unfair to me. It changed very gradually, not fast enough, but it did eventually get better. It still makes me angry to think back on it though.

It sounds like an informal contract has been made - she supports you financially and as.a result has a more than normal involvement in your DD lives ?
You could choose to break that contract but at a price which would affect your family’s lifestyle which you seem to enjoy .

You could let the comments wash over you - laugh them off and not react to them but if you can’t do that then maybe you should start gently challenging her (& your DH should grow some balls) instead of privately fuming . “The baby is fine Mum , she does this all the time at home and it helps her to develop “ or “ the girls get plenty of fresh air , education is good for them too” . “ We WILL be calling our DD Arina (& do it ) “ You don’t need to go full scale NC , but you don’t have to put up with the comments if they’re upsetting you so much

Whats your point? OP is living there enjoying the benefits of the free house, and other benefits, right!