To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

House, car, luxury holidays in return for annoying commentary?

Smile and ignore.

It sounds like she just has an incredibly annoying personality.

The financials have nothing to do with this.

I think you have to learn to be comfortable calling it out. Find your voice and say “I’m fed up with all the criticism, Barbara. Did your mother in law question every decision you made?” Etc.

I think a battle of wills is in order. You might have decades left of her in your life. You can choose to be quite a headstrong woman too.

@danialan

I second too i really like the name Ariana reminds me of Greek or Roman Goddess from ancient history or fables times

To be fair, she's not actively controlling anything. She's just being irritating and giving unasked for advice.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut

These things come with strings OP. You need to choose.

I'd be getting a job tbh. You're financially dependent on your bloke and his family.

I think you and dh have allowed mil to have too much influence over your lives, hence her controlling ways and feeling entitled to act as you say.

Is the massive amount of financial support the reason why your husband lets her speak to you like that? He probably already knows she's call you both ungrateful and disrespectful.

I don't have any family wealthy enough to give me a free house but even if I did, I wouldn't accept it from certain people like fil and dh would never accept a penny from my father. Fil gives regular financial hell to two of his four children, dh and his other brothers decline because they know exactly what fil is like with his daughter and son. Financial help come with a lot of unspoken strings. As a result, the ones who accept the regular financial help seem closer to him, and we hear dhs brother moaning about fil allllll the time and fil moaning about his kids all the time.

They all criticise our decisions and think we make some stupid decisions, like fil offers to pay for us to go on expensive holidays with him because he thinks a week in the uk isn't a proper and he simply can't understand why we don't take him up on his offer like the other adult kids do. No thanks.

So I still get the criticism and shitty remarks about our choices but it's much much easier for dh to pull him up because there's no financial support he can use against us. I don't allow him to speak to me like I'm stupid for having different opinions to him. Dhs family do allow him to that.

Hes also fully expecting to move in with one of them and be cared for in his old age but has not communicated that to them and his health has started to decline and the expectation that the women do his errands for him is causing relationship tension in his adult kids marriages. He bought his son a cheap second car last year and now expects sil and his dd to do all his errands for him, he doesn't realise that sil is pretty full on with the kids and full time work and can't just be giving him lifts at the drop of a hat but he doesn't see it that way, he paid for the car and thinks the past they can do is help him have a life outside the house.

I know if I'd chosen to accept so much financial help there'd be an unspoken expectation to put up with shitty attitudes because I'd feel like that's how they want the gratitude for significantly helping with my financial security. Have you had a discussion with your husband about what will happen if she's like fil and expects to move in with you in her old age?

Just laugh it off, the kids had a great time at the museum we're doing outdoorsy things tomorrow. Climbing on the sofa, isn't she getting good at climbing. Stupid decision maybe but we're young and can take a chance, think it will be fun, just throw it back 'nicely'. As you say she wants what's best for you all and she's very generous contradict her in a friendly jovial way and do it your way, 'yes I know, but I think I'll do it this way anyway' and don't let her get under your skin. I would have used the name I wanted, there are things you don't give way on. She can comment all she wants it doesn't have to mean you do what she thinks you should.

Lots of people have similar problems with DMs or DMILs that always know best (without the generosity usually) if you don't want to really fall out with them you have to play nice, but still do it your way.

It’s not going to stop. You said dh will accept gifts and financial support. I suggest just rolling your eyes and telling the kids everyone has different opinion's

Your husband has everything he could want or need. You have everything you could want or need, with the addition of a mother in law who has bought you and therefore feels she has the right to dictate how you live, what you do and how you bring up your children.

You can choose to suck it up and keep the material benefits or you can choose to live in the house you bought with your inheritance and live on the remainder of that inheritance or get a job.

You aren’t going to change your MiL and you aren’t going to change your husband. Why would they change? They have everything they want.

Just stand up for yourself, op. She doesn't sound so bad, just interfering.
You need to tell her, no. Your way is fine, and that's the way it's going to be.
And you need to tell dh, if he leaves you to go to the child free beach, you won't be going on the holidays.

@TheShellBeach

Really? But you're married.
Assets can be ring fenced

I think you should get a job so you can pay for the nice cars and holidays that your husband obviously so valued and then you won’t have to take them from his mother. At that point you will be much better placed to push back when she makes these comments- or you can holiday by yourselves so she wont be there at all to make these comments.

This is the price you pay for being bought, even if it's your husband who took the money.
Both of you walk away, or count your blessings and keep your mouth shut. I think many of us would love your issues.

These aren't gifts she's giving, if she expects to control you in return. I would shine a light on this coercive behaviour by naming it. If you stand up to her and in response she threatens to withdraw any of this 'help' she's giving, then say innocently, 'ah I see you didn't really want to help, but just blackmail us into doing what you want, perhaps because you're a bit insecure about whether people really like you. We thought you were being amazing and we were very grateful when it looked like you were giving us such a huge amount of support out of the kindness of your heart. If you ever feel like doing that in the future we would be so appreciative but not to worry if you feel you can't.'
My mum was the same and I honestly think she had been controlled the same way and was just used to having to manipulate people. I called it out and after a long time she became a gentler person who gave help freely.
You don't have to do as she says at all. Just be yourself. Good luck!

Your whole relationship sounds fucked. He's a Mummy's boy who is looking at the ££ instead of both of your happiness. It seems like you can only have one or the other, because she ain't gonna change. So either he grows a pair and says something (which will inevitably result in no more gifts), or you put up with it and still be looked after financially. It is who she is. Which one do you both value more?

So tell DH that unless he pushes back more firmly you will explode at her - his choice, he either deals with it properly or you will.

My DH knows that there are lines that should not be crossed and if we were being criticised like this he would speak up for us and PIL would back down. He intervened swiftly and effectively to stop MiL trying to parent DS1 on holiday when he was 7 because we’d discussed previous overstepping.

I think the best advice I can give you is to try to change your mindset (I know, this is difficult!) and keep repeating 'she means well, it's because she cares' to yourself each time, rather than 'she's getting at me again'.
Sadly I have seen many family relationships badly spoiled by similar clashes, and I don't think you will gain anything from raising the issue or pressuring your DP to intervene. He might feel you are forcing him to choose between you, and he might not welcome your complaints about his mum, especially as he perceives her comments as coming from a good place. With practice you will be able to ignore it and it will all wash over you, without the risk of upsetting family relations.
Good luck, see yourself as the better person, you can do it!

In theory she shouldn't be making these comments even with all the financial support but she does.

Have you sat down with your husband and been honest about the comments and holidays? It sounds like he is going to want to keep the easy life and I would guess he'd chose his mum over you as he gets an easy life from her.

I would get a job- even just for your own pride. Become an independent adult and then you can choose whether you want to continue in the life with your husband.

they can be used as guidance now and are on the UK if both parties signed freely

If you are going to act like dependent children then you shouldn't be surprised if you are treated like children.

In a nutshell.

Does your husband have no pride?

I'm not one to promote toxic masculinity, but really, I'd have no respect for a man who isn't prepared to be a (joint) provider and live an independent adult life.

She gives you an ENORMOUS amount of financial support and sounds fairly typical of an overbearing MIL.

at some element if you’re accepting that much support from her you need to smile and nod and ignore the criticisms from her.

or you can go independent and tell her to shut it, but I expect it’s too late now.

There’s no way for you to continue with everything exactly as is except she stops making these comments. You have no leverage and your DH’s is not as certain she’s always wrong as you are. What you can do is develop some independence so that you have a foundation for saying “No” from that won’t mean disaster for you if it breaks your marriage up.

So get a job and put money aside. Stop going on the holidays. Answer her back if you want to, though personally I think silence and a lifted eyebrow is more effective. Let your DH do her bidding if he wants but don’t do it yourself and tell him if it puts a strain on your relationship.

Also stop letting your DD climb on your MiL’s furniture (if I’ve read that right - sounds like you were at hers if you know your DH would have let DD continue if you’d been at home) because that’s just rude regardless of how annoying your MiL is.

But if you get a job you won’t be destitute, without assets, or pension. Having to re-enter the job market at entry level.

there are a million cautionary tales on MN, read them. Especially as in this marriage assets are ring fenced for him alone.

I disagree with posters saying you must put up with these comments because you live off MIL's money.

That implies that in any relationship where someone is looking after someone else financially, the financially dependent party must put up with being spoken to badly because they are receiving money. Receiving money from someone doesn't give them the right to speak badly to you. Money should not be given to pay for the right to be critical. That's absolute bullshit. I suspect a lot of posters can't see past their own envy of your financial situation.

So with the issue of MIL, absolutely you and DH need to learn the art of standing up to her. This won't come easily, or come overnight. I suggest some googling around standing up to critical parents etc, or possibly even some therapy or coaching to help you both develop the skills to politely and respectfully stand up to MIL and encourage better behaviours from her. I say both of you, but I recognise that this problem is mainly his, however it would benefit for you to learn the skills as well so you can back each other up and work as a team to stop her doing this.

She is not behaving herself but the only way to stop it is for both of you to change your responses. It might be hard at first but well worth it.