DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

He sounds horrible. There are other men out there who would treat you better. Not healthy for your children to see this either. Sorry you're being treated this way

My DH is the same.
Sadly I got nowhere to go as got no family in this country and anywhere else really.
i got no money, only debts so I wouldn’t survive a day on my own.
Also I’m sahm so everything is expected from me.
When I’m ill and I am often as I have chronic illness which eventually will be terminal I can’t rest or anything., but when he has man flu, he goes to bed and I have to look after him.
Every day he moans how badly I did the dishes, how this needs doing, this is not right, how lazy I’m and golddigger etc, what a shitty food I bought and cooked.
None is true, not goldgigger we are renting as can’t afford house, I have debts and he too, however I’m the rubbish wife who he has to go behind and tidy ( he has bad OCD so everything has to be in right order)
Also yes, he is horrible and 10 mins later he acts like nothing happened, sweet talking, but 10 mins ago I was fucking c…and useless lazy.

He sounds exactly like my ex

Note the word ‘ex’

He won’t get any better, please leave. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children

I'm glad there's a 'part' of you that recognises this as abuse. I'm guessing there's another 'part' of you that self abandons to placate him. He is projecting onto you plain and simple, 'his' disgust, 'his' self loathing etc no wonder he is light and chirpy, he's just got rid of all his stuff onto you. If you feel the part of you that sees this is abusive is not strong enough, get some help so that you do not continue to expose yourself or your children to this toxicity. Good luck.

I also selfishly don't want to have to send the kids to him as I know they wouldn't want to go
My dear, that is not you being selfish, that is you being a good mother and protecting your children from a bad man.

I actually think this is a perfect time to say NAMALT: my OH is one of the kindest and most compassionate humans I have ever met. He has booked a fortnight's leave in advance of some upcoming surgery I have (which will leave me pretty incapacitated) to make sure I'm okay.

Examples such as this are important, because it spells out to the OP that her partner's behaviour is NOT OKAY and she should move on: there are decent, kind men out there and she deserves to be in a relationship with somebody who treats her as a human and not a domestic appliance.

If you possibly can act normal don't give him any indication that you have plans to escape from. Once he senses that you are checking out he will up his game and make it more difficult for you.
Try to keep him reasonably sweet so that he is 'quiet' and does not make things harder for you.
Make a plan privately. Try to make it so that he knows nothing about it until you are gone and he can't damage you anymore.

He views you with contempt and has no regard whatsoever for your feelings, he acts like nothing happened because to him you don't qualify as a person whose feelings matter.
He treats you cruelly and then laughs it off because in his mind you are nothing.
You are important, you must not let him treat you like this, you must make a plan to free yourself and your children from this situation.

In his defence...

Why defend him to us? We are a bunch if nameless strangers. If you cannot be fully honest with strangers about him, you'll never fix this. Stop trying to defend him when he is clearly awful. We don't need you to try and defend him.

Narcissistic abuse. They always ruin special events and go nuts when you’re ill or have something that stops you in your servitude. They’re fucking disgusting and once you’re better start googling narc abuse. There are some accounts on Instagram that describe narcissistic abuse brilliantly. There’s nothing you can do right now, they weave a tight web and you’re unwell. Stay on the sofa, get yourself better, and think about it when you have the strength to address the fact that narcs are runners and they categorically do not change.

He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up.

Don’t think about leaving him today-you are clearly not well. Leave him once you are better-he sounds like an arse.

This is really abusive behaviour. It’s actually scary. Please leave him. You can’t be safe around someone like this.

"In his defence he has very rarely behaved like this in front of the kids & I do shield them from it but they do comment daddy's in a bad mood etc."

No, you're not shielding them from it at all. They'll be home from school shortly right into this tension. You're defending him and waiting for him to make the decision. Take charge and tell him to leave, it's the only thing that will protect those kids.

When you're better, ducks in a row and leave then

It will always be about him

I don't have anything to say but please leave him. For your sake but also your kids. He literally views you as a possession. ☹️

This one is quite simple. He behaves this way because he doesn't like you. And if he doesn't like you, he certainly can't love you. Don't wait for him to leave, take the initiative. You can do this.

This.
You are a mere domestic appliance to him and he is angry because you are malfunctioning, ie not doing the domestic work not bowing and scraping to his needs.
This is a BAD MAN and you should start making a plan to be free of him.

He won't leave you for someone else. He enjoys being horrible to you too much, plus no-one else would put up with it.

My father was like this. It's a horrible environment to grow up in. My dm made every excuse for his awful & cruel behaviour.

He doesn’t care about you op - you are a basically a live-in nanny, housekeeper and fluffer.

Why subject yourself to this and give the kids poor role modelling?

Get well soon. And then see a lawyer.

This sounds like an awful environment to be in. What’s the reason why you allow yourself to be treated this way? Put yourself first.

You're not alone, my friends H is like this. Ruins every special occasion by causing arguments and getting in moods, hates any attention being on my friend. Controlling behaviour definitely.