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AIBU?

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DH always really angry when I'm unwell?

242 replies

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:25

Hi, been married to DH for 14 years, 2 primary age DC. I have chills, a fever, and my whole body is aching. Probably just a cold but I feel terrible. I am usually stoic & just get on with things but since DC are at school (dressed, fed & taken by me) I've decided to lie on the couch under a few blankets & try to stop the shivering. DH is a nightshift worker so to avoid waking him I only dome a quick clean with bleach etc & didn't do the dishes or hoover. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but too poorly so cancelled. Since he got up he has looked at me with absolute disgust, not asked if I'm okay or even cracked a smile. Instead he came storming in to tell me had a nosebleed. I'll admit I was less than enthusiastic but said oh that's wierd. He has then starting throwing things around, swearing, throwing DCs shoes in their rooms & told me our hoover is fucking useless. Why do some men behave like this!? Its made me so uncomfortable I genuinely nearly cried. He behaves this way every single time I'm unwell or he deems I don't tidy properly etc. I actually work full time however this is my allocated day off this week. He also ruins any special event like DDs birthday/nights out - anything that's not about him really. If I felt better I would just leave in the car but I can hardly even stand up. So upset & confused by this repeated behaviour.

OP posts:
Mythologies2 · 28/02/2024 19:10

Reading this book is something I would recommend with all my heart

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/02/2024 19:07

Don't wait.

Sort out what needs sorting, and leave. He is NOT going to force the kids to see him, because they won't want to so it won't boost his ego, it'll be a ton of work for him, he'll be the carer not the cared for and he can't stand that.

He will bluster and talk a load of shit, tell you he's going for full custody blah blah, its all hot air.

He behaves like this because as far as he is concerned, you've become ill to spite him, to get out of caring for him, to inconvenience him. That is how he feels, he has no ability OR desire to empathise or offer sympathy, because theres no room in his head for anyone but him, any needs except his own.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/02/2024 19:07

He’s an abusive cunt. Leave him

BrightHarvestMoon · 28/02/2024 19:04

Good grief, PLEASE LEAVE @Ohffffssssss He sounds utterly vile.

BreatheAndFocus · 28/02/2024 19:03

I’m so sorry. He is abusive and he’s a selfish, cruel pig. I doubt there’s much underneath the ‘nice’ mask he puts on. I was with a narcissist. They’re not right. Don’t waste your time trying to explain to him.

Can you leave him? You say you’re hoping he’ll leave you but I’d quietly and secretly get yourself sorted and then leave him.

Sorry you have this horrible virus. It’s not just a cold, it’s sweating and shivers and awful aches. I hope you feel better soon.

MissHarrietBede · 28/02/2024 18:41

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 28/02/2024 18:38

I am really sorry, this is how men behave to women they don't love or even like.

Men of this type do not like women in general.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 28/02/2024 18:38

I am really sorry, this is how men behave to women they don't love or even like.

feedbackhq · 28/02/2024 18:32

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fetchacloth · 28/02/2024 18:26

It's always has to be about him really doesn't it. I used to be married to someone like that, it was like living with an adult child🙄
Sending hugs OP and hopefully you feel much better soon 💐

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 18:22

They are 9 and 7. We do most things alone without him at weekends etc and I'm fortunate to be able to take them on holidays with friends but holidays with DH are just so intense and awful that nobody really enjoys them. He regularly goes off and does his own thing abroad anyway as he wants DC to go on outings that they aren't interested in so I do things with them separately. I'm interested in a PP who gets angry when her partner is ill, I just can't understand this thought process. I can assure you my day has been a lot worse than his today!

OP posts:
feedbackhq · 28/02/2024 18:17

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bombastix · 28/02/2024 18:13

It is classic narc to be totally unpleasant to get what you want and then pretend it never happened. Basic abuse 101. Abusive people tell themselves they are nice people. Excuses all the self centered nastiness they inflict.

DaftFlerken · 28/02/2024 18:12

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I dont get angry at him but yes I feel angry, it’s very strange

feedbackhq · 28/02/2024 18:06

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AwBlessm · 28/02/2024 18:04

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2024 17:48

Please don’t wait til the children are older, they’re being taught how to behave by him; behaviour like this is cyclical, plus why should you suffer any longer? Do you really think he’ll want them more the bare minimum? Stop torturing yourself and get out. This isn’t how life is supposed to be.

This exactly!

Zyq · 28/02/2024 17:59

Ohffffssssss · 28/02/2024 13:44

Whilst I agree they'll be home soon, he is now feeling chirpy & trying to talk to me as if nothing has happened. This part also confuses me. How can we go from absolute rage & throwing a hoover to asking me if I've watched a TV programme!? It makes me feel like I'm going insane.

Have you asked him this question?

ShakeNvacStevens · 28/02/2024 17:56

Please don't wait until the children are older, my worst memories of my abusive dad are mainly from when I was primary school aged. I know you can't prevent him from having access (will he really bother though) but my mum took us out on the odd day trip that my dad didn't want to go on and just those few hours without dad there were like an oasis in the desert. When I got to my teens dad was still bad but being older I was better able to cope. It's precisely when kids are that young that they need protecting the most.

Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 17:54

OP- he should be making you a cup of tea not throwing shoes around. What appalling behaviour.

cerisepanther73 · 28/02/2024 17:51

@Notsogreatt

@YankSplaining Really good insightful post for @Notsogreatt to think 🤔 about and look into ect,

I am on PIP disability benefit it make a noticeable difference
and cause of your present circumstances you could well be entiled to enhanced PIP disability benefit rates too,

You can apply online or vist citizens advice bureau appointment or charitable organisation can help you on your behalf too with applying for it too,

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2024 17:48

Please don’t wait til the children are older, they’re being taught how to behave by him; behaviour like this is cyclical, plus why should you suffer any longer? Do you really think he’ll want them more the bare minimum? Stop torturing yourself and get out. This isn’t how life is supposed to be.

Goatymum · 28/02/2024 17:46

He sounds like an awful man. Sorry.
when I’m ill dh will bring up food if I can’t make it down and I’ll do same for him - tbh he hates a fuss so I just tend to leave him be to sleep - but I’ll bring up what he needs if necessary. No-one would expect the ill one to do housework etc.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/02/2024 17:45

You need to dump him he is abusive and a terrible example to your children.

Captainspaulding · 28/02/2024 17:41

Classic narcissistic behaviour right there

Kyogo67 · 28/02/2024 17:40

He sounds a total prick.
Leave him now.
Why are you bringing your kids up with this toxic man?
He is so self centred he will probably not spend much time with them alone anyway

existentialpain · 28/02/2024 17:40

My narcissistic ex was the same. One time we were staying in a hotel and I got a truly horrific migraine. He shouted at me for hours blaming me for ruining everything. He had no concept that I didn't even want the migraine, as far as he was concerned I had got it to spite him.

Best thing I ever did was leave him. You really don't want your kids growing up to be in relationships like that or becoming or narcissists themselves.