Aibu to say this is theft?

you could go down a kind of "restorative justice" route where your older DD gets to ransack a few similar items from younger DDs room and wreck them.
(I prefer making a good long chores list and making it so that she isn't having much time outside of school and homework and mealtimes to be getting up to mischief.

You also need to get her phone off her and replaced by a dumb phone until she can demonstrate that she can behave responsibly. parading around on TikTok at her age is troublesome.

Punishment is an awful word and not something I relish.

She needs to be made to understand that her behaviour was mean and absolutely classed as theft. Especially as she has been destructive in the process.

At the very least she should be made to apologise to her sister and replace the clothes from her own monet, be that a loss of Christmas money/savings/pocket money until everything is replaced.

She sounds like a disaster waiting to happen if this is not nipped in the bud right now.

To be absolutely just, I would make her return undamaged clothing laundered and ironed properly.
The damaged stuff - if she does not have pocket money or savings, I would confiscate similar number of new and well loved clothing from here permanently. She needs to be given some idea of what losses feel like.
I would then make her pay a compensation fee, for the inconvenience and distress caused and as a sort of fine for such dishonesty.

You are teaching both your daughters about the world and you’ll be doing them no favours if you are teaching one that theft and dishonesty and betrayal are not that serious, and you are teaching the other one to be a doormat for others and that her hard won property and her feelings have no value.

It’s your responsibility to sort this out between your girls.

I would worry about what's going on here, to be honest. Has she explained why se was so incredibly mean to her sister?

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

DH is a knob. Chores for money and the money goes to older sister. And to make sure the point really sits, it is chores every day, no exception. And during the Time of Chores, younger DD gets no new clothes etc, only things that she really cannot be without (underwear, school stuff). And if you would have bought her, say, a new pair of jeans, that money goes to the big sister clothes fund.

And she apologies, sincerely in person, to her sister and acknowledges that what she did was really not on.

Is it? She clearly doesn't understand that what's she's done would be upsetting for her sister. The blatant disregard for her sisters stuff and feelings is worrying. She needs to feel it from sisters perspective to understand why it was wrong.

Maybe instead like someone else said, give some of her things to charity. Or maybe tell her they items have been given to charity and return them to her once she has paid back her sister.

Obviously unacceptable behaviour but what the hell is your child doing parading around on tik tok in crop tops?

And yes, I’d probably go further and make her life a little bit unpleasant to drive the point home eg like removing her favourite clothes.

You need to come down hard on this otherwise you will be letting down your oldest DD. Your DH needs to have a big rethink of his parenting approach. His way would risk your relationship with DD19. I’m sure he wouldn’t be quite so laid back if the damage had been done to his clothes.

This. Get her off TikTok and give her one hell of a shock. She’s 13, not 6. Her lack of respect for other people’s property is astounding.

She should be banned from tic tick ( by you) for 6mths, apologise to her sister and buy her a voucher for whatever shop the damaged clothes were from

Borrowing siblings clothes is one thing. Damaging them for a daft video is another.

I'd be banning tiktok until she had replaced them. She's obviously not mature enough for that kind of privilege. Given people will see what she's done and she obviously didn't give a fuck.

Like others have said. She has to replace the damaged items. I would go further though and donate a few of her favourite clothes to charity. Just so she empathise more because it seems like a lesson she desperately needs.

I think you and your husband owe your eldest the money to replace the clothes and then it’s up to you to make the 13yo work the money off by doing jobs.

If your 13Dd had stolen from a friend, you’d be financially responsible to replace them. I don’t think it’s any different because she’s stolen them from an adult sibling who’s worked hard to pay for them.

I had this when I was slightly younger. My sibling purposely smashed a device I had. I was a working adult, they were 17. My parents didn’t replace it and it was expensive and it cost me a lot of money to replace.

Exactly this. Awful behaviour, especially when the clothes were gifts and clothes dd19 worked hard to pay for.

DD13 should definitely do chores to pay them for the damaged clothes and give the money back to her sister. Work out a chores list and what earns what which she can work off over the next few months. A proper apology to her sister too.

Any savings need to be used to replace clothing at 13 she knows better.

Younger DD needs to replace the items she took and directly apologise to her sister. If the items are ruined she has to pay for a replacement.
As parents you need to tell her in no uncertain terms this behaviour is not ok - she has to ask to borrow items from her sister.
I would say she has to delete tik tok and cannot reinstall it until you say she can. Or a fixed period - one week/month - up to you.

I have a sister and three children. It's not normal sibling behaviour and no one would be allowed to get away with taking and especially not damaging their siblings clothes or any other property. If your 13yo DD has Christmas, birthday or pocket money you need to replace the clothes out of that. If she has none then I'd be putting her console or other pricy items on marketplace. She HAS to learn comsequences.

A 13 year old knows full well that it’s wrong to steal her sister clothes and cut them to alter them. It shouldn’t need to be explained to her. She should be punished.

Natural consequences.

In my house she would be in school uniform only as all her other clothing would be on vinted to pay her sister back.

Id also get rid of the smart phone and replace with one that only does calls and texts. 13 year olds shouldn’t be on TikTok and she clearly can’t cope with the social pressure it creates.

Oh god this is bad. I have DDs of 16 and 21 so I'm familiar with the dynamic, and they do borrow each others' clothes but (a) they pretty much always ask; and (b) they would never do something sneaky like this taking them out of a packed case. That said, I'm definitely one for natural consequences and not punishment, particularly for the teenage years.

So IMHO DD2's natural consequences are:

• clearly she needs to return the undamaged clothes to her sister and apologise
• she needs to replace any that she damaged from her own money, whether that's birthday/christmas money, savings or doing chores to pay it off
• she needs to delete the Tiktok she posted, and if necessary explain to her friends why
• her relationship with her sister will likely be permanently damaged, and she probably won't be allowed to borrow clothes the next time she asks

Absolutely appalling - your poor older daughter! Definitely the clothes need to be paid for and TikTok removed. If she doesn’t learn now she’ll be worse off for life when she leaves home.

Don't do this. It's unnecessarily mean.

Yes make her repay anything damaged and make her return everything. I'd even be looking to block her access to tiktok and socials for a time. But don't take her treasured possessions

She should have to repay the clothes and also I would take some treasured items of hers and give them to her sister so she knows what it feels like to lose something important to her.

Borrowing, fine. Taking when she won't get it back for a term, not fine. Taking and destroying, not fine. She needs to replace the destroyed clothes, apologize, and pay for the clothes that aren't damaged to be posted to her sister at uni. I personally would take her phone and restrict access to WiFi for a while too.

She would be paying to replace the clothes in this house, and she would also lose her phone for a time.

It’s not ok to steal clothes from your family member and it’s worse because she destroyed them to fit her