Aibu to say this is theft?

She hasn't just borrowed the clothes she's ripped them. She needs to learn the value of things and do a paper round to pay for replacement items. You need to replace the items if possible and get the younger DD to pay you back. No treats until it's paid off either - that money can go towards it too. And what was she doing on TikTok anyway?!

13 year olds are selfish as their brains haven’t fully developed around this sort of thing yet.

However, that’s where it’s a parents job to step in and educate. That is putting in boundaries and consequences.

She works off the cost for her sister to replace those clothes. End of. She also needs a swift kick up the backside over understanding that unless it’s yours you ask for permission and only ‘borrow’ when that permission is granted by the person who spent their hard earned cash on purchasing said item in the first place!

DD13 is behaving spoilt, entitled and completely disrespectful, of course she needs to be punished. How will your DD19 feel to have her belongings stolen and trashed and everything carries on as normal?

I think you need to be respectful of your DD19 feelings in this.

Are you coming back @purplehatandscarf?

At the very least she needs to replace the stolen/damaged clothes.

As a teen, my sister once threw away a lot of my clothes, including some brand new clothes and tops, when I was visiting relatives for a few weeks.

Sadly her vindictive behaviour got worse over the years not better. We are now in our 40s and NC.

In the 90s, my sister asked to borrow my clothes (that one time!)

Even if it is normal sibling behaviour, (which I dont think it is), it's not right or kind or respectful so she needs to repair the damage she has done. Replacement clothes, an apology and a punishment. Also get her off Tiktok

That’s shocking and I would take her tech off her and make her do jobs to replace what she broke. Cat sitting, dog walking, chores…

Yes it’s theft and needs to be punished. I’m sure you’ll figure out a suitable punishment between you and your DH, but first things first she needs to take accountability and apologise to her sister. Especially since she’s ripped them meaning they can’t even be returned. Are you in a financial position to give oldest DD cash to replace them and have younger DD ‘earn’ the cash you’ve essentially lost.

I have 2 older sisters, we never did this, it's not just something 13 yr olds do, absolutely not, it's just wrong. Make her pay it back somehow

Absolutely her behaviour is unacceptable and she is old enough to know that. I would stop any allowance she receives until older daughter has been reimbursed in full and make her give a full apology. If she has savings then she can hand those over to the value she stole. To make her realise the value of stuff and how hard her sister worked to afford the stolen itemsI would also tell her that for the next six months she has to do chores and earn any money she needs to buy new clothes. She needs a solid lesson now. You must be so disappointed in her.

Completely agree. Outrageous she is allowed this type of access to social media at 13.

I would take her tiktok away.

She's 13 - do you monitor her TikTok?

TikTok, you say? Sell the smartphone, replace the clothes.

My sister (also 6 years younger) did things like this to me constantly when we were young, and never faced any consequences. We're in our 40s now and haven't spoken in years. She was a selfish, sneaky little bitch back then and as nobody pulled her up on it, she never developed into anything better.

No she doesn't need punishing. What you do is validate her feelings and tell her that it's ok if she's feeling sad.

Id come down hard on this. She stole clothes from her sister suitcase that she packed and then destroyed them.
Id be going for a months grounding. And no phone until clothes are all replaced or selling the phone.

I think the fact ur eldest isn't at home and is away at uni makes it more a case of theft. Especially if she's ripped them to make them as she desires. I'd be furious with her.

I used to borrow some of my sisters clothes and put them back. She used to borrow mine with permission. If I asked her she'd say no so I'd just take them instead when she wasn't around. I think this is what ur dh is referring to as normal. What ur youngest DD has done is not normal.

Use her pocket money to re purchase the tops for eldest dd as a minimum. Maybe a phone ban, they all love their phones! Whatever it is that she wld hate to lose that's the punishment.

Innocent stealing? What is this then?

(Well my 3 year old DD "bought" a cake and a toothbrush in a shop by helping herself to the bottom shelf, that really was innocent and we went back to pay for it. A DD13 should know this aspect of right and wrong.)

Yes, the DD13 has taken items without permission, ie it's stealing. It's not quite the same as stealing from a shop or someone who isn't a sibling, with all the rivalry, jealousy etc that can ensue, but it's not far off, is worrying, and should be dealt with swiftly and sternly IMO.

I agree with those saying you need to come down hard on this so DD13 knows it’s not acceptable to take things that don’t belong to her. Yes it’s just a few clothes, but you need to take a firm hand otherwise this behaviour will escalate.

Delete her TikTok entirely, no more TikTok till she’s 16. Return the undamaged clothes and apologise. And she has to pay for the damaged clothes by working in some way, so she knows what it’s like to work for stuff like her sister does, and she might learn to appreciate expensive clothing more.

Any punishment needs to be related to the crime.

1. Delete TikTok. The motivation for the theft. Also, not really appropriate for 13 year olds - even if they all use it.

2. Return all undamaged clothes to her sister. Ruined tops must be replaced. Find out the cost of them and make teen either buy replacements with existing money or get a job/ do chores/ sell her own items in order to get enough money to pay back the cost of the clothes.

3. Reassure your older child that you are handling this.

stealing a top here and there from a sibling is not acceptable either!!

I’d take her phone away and replace it with a brick until next January. And no new clothes until next year. All spare cash which would have been available to buy clothes will be spent on replacing DD19’s clothes.

It is in my book, two wrongs don’t make a right. There are more productive ways to deal with this than tit for tat revenge.

No it’s not.