I think I have a drink problem

I agree with this. Two very distinct problems and should be dealt with separately.

If your partner is an arse, he will still be an arse when you stop drinking. Even if he doesn't want/feel it appropriate to help putting the DC to bed why was he not negotiating baggage, transfer or check in? What was he doing whilst you were managing all the logistics alongside the DC?

If you are worried about your drinking then seek help for that specifically but also take a cold hard look at your DP and consider just how good a partner he is. Don't blend the issues into one.

Hi Op. Also popping on to offer some support. If you think you have a drinking problem, then chances are you do have one. Something in the back of your mind is telling you that your body is not happy. Listen to it.

I'm 330 days sober(ish) today after drinking a bottle of wine per night, nearly 2 on Fridays and Saturdays. I say ish because I'm not opposed to having one or two glasses at a social event but they're few and far between now.

My advice would be aim for 2 weeks sober as a starting point. It's hard, but I found that really helped me to reset and identify my "triggers" and the bad habits I had developed. I also kept a diary so I could read back how good I felt waking up hangover free, if I was ever struggling for motivation.

Not much to say in terms of practical support after the good advice that others have given but just wanted to say that you are not alone. I’m currently dealing with what was becoming a drink problem (up to two bottles of wine 4-5 times a week) and had several wake up calls to tell me to change. It’s really not easy but it’s doable. Good luck!

I think you should zoom out. Doesn't matter about this one incident if you know you are drinking too much then you have to address it. Some people can drink and be fine, others can't handle it and some people can handle it at some points in their lives better than others. If it's not making you happy anymore then see if you can stop for 1 month and see how you feel with no alcohol.

First of all, OP, you are so brave to post this here. I have seen people so dependent that they have to wake up in the night to drink neat vodka because of withdrawal arguing that they are not problem drinkers. And it is the most dangerous withdrawal of any drug.

I want to address this though -

I am not a take it or leave it drinker, but I do not ever really drink enough to get drunk.

The medical community consensus is pretty much that there is no safe level of alcohol - it is basically poison. So you have two options - cold turkey and no more at all, or harm reduction. FWIW I think harm reduction is much more likely to be successful for most people. Not drinking every day, not drinking more than 2, not going over 14 units a week, all those rules can help you think about how to drink.

Please dont feel ashamed of yourself - we are all socialized to drink (most people anyway) and the fact you can look at yourself and ask these questions says a lot about your character. 🌺

Honestly, I’d be falling down after a bottle and a half of Prosecco.
I would be in no for state to look after children. If you honestly believe that you were fully competent, capable and sober, it must be that you have built up an incredible tolerance to alcohol.

Why don’t you start off with a small goal? No drinking on a Monday and Tuesday night to start. Then Wednesday. Make it something to have to look forward to at the end of the week.

Op,

Only you can decide if you are going to address your anxiety with a different coping strategy that isn’t quite as harmful - you have a lot on your plate, so it’s understandable that you are stressed and anxious. Look at the underlying cause? Is it the responsibility of the children? Managing alone?

However, your dp shaming you in the way that he did was really unforgivable. If you are struggling so much - as your partner - he could have spoken to you in a gentle way and offered support. He could have said he felt worried for you. He could have easily helped, taken over the dc - he choose to sit back and criticise and shame you with a hint of contempt.

He is not on your team op.
Loving partners don’t shame, and judge and make you feel even worse.

I would go to a private dr anonymously and ask for some supportive medication or help to control your drinking if you want to. For your dc, so they have a good role model. But not for him.

I don’t think I could recover from that level of criticism, so unkindly delivered.

If he's complaining about you drinking and then stays in the bar presumably drinking while you put the children to bed, I think he's a big hypocrit. He can drink, but you should be careful cos you're a sloppy drunk.

You may drink too much (or did drink too much on this occasion) but he's an arse. You can fix drinking too much, his problems are not so easy to fix.

OP you are really not the only one. As a PP said your DP needs to be supportive though with the changes you want to make and not just rant at you.

I've got used to a couple of drinks in the evening at present, which will stop today, actually! But it does affect your thinking so much, there was something yesterday which made me feel angry and I thought "don't say anything, don't say anything, sit tight". It would have made me feel angry anyway but I need to address it properly and not after a drink.

Please don't exacerbate the issue with all-or-nothing thinking. Escalating to 'I am a bad parent' won't help. It might make you reach for the bottle. Instead think, painful as it was to hear, I think DH was right. I drank too much at the start of our holiday and that's not fair on DC.
That way you are focused on an actual event not all days you have ever parented being recast as terrible.

Can you make some decisions to start the evening with a soft drink, to swap any beer for alcohol free lager (tastes almost the same) mocktails for cocktails, and if you have wine, order a big bottle of fizzy water and ice, tip a small glass of wine into a pint glass and top it up to the brim with water so it is a long and very much weaker refreshing drink.

From KCChiefette yesterday

'was in denial also. I drank 3-4 bottles of wine per week (usually a bottle at a time) and thought this was the norm as my friends did it too'

really struck a chord. This is exactly what my eldest told me when we had a chat about his drinking, and I mentionned I was concerned. Everyone does it mum, it is totally normal. And NO, it is NOT.

Well done for acknowledging you have a problem here, and for seeking help.

Most people I know think they can just 'cut down'- but if anyone has a real issue with alcohol, cutting down won't do the trick, and will only last for a short time. All those people doing 'dry January' and can't wait for 1st of Feb to drink more than ever, after.

However, I would be taking with a grain of salt a comment from someone who is criticising your drinking, while also spending the evening in the bar with all the other adults in the group, while you are doing the parenting. Now, yes, I get it, these are your children and your responsibility on this trip, but someone who was genuinely concerned about you, your drinking and your children, would be there supporting you rather than taking themselves off to the bar when tagging along on what sounds like it was a family holiday for your dc. Sometimes people make unkind comments because it's easier to point the finger at someone else, especially if tensions are already high because theyhave been drinking all day too

I really disagree with this, and strongly, she wasn’t paralytic and needed him at her side . And why should he not spend the evening in the bar with the other adults, he’s on holiday. What do you want him to do. Sit in the room sober to make a point.

There are two issues here: (1) you feel unhappy with your drinking and you recognise it's become an unhealthy habit, no doubt because it is so normalised in your family and your social circle. I was very much you - though probably drinking more than you when I quit, by the sounds of it - and stopping has been absolutely life changing. I didn't realise how much harder life and parenting were because I was drinking (when I thought I was drinking to relax and make life easier!).

(2) However, I would be taking with a grain of salt a comment from someone who is criticising your drinking, while also spending the evening in the bar with all the other adults in the group, while you are doing the parenting. Now, yes, I get it, these are your children and your responsibility on this trip, but someone who was genuinely concerned about you, your drinking and your children, would be there supporting you rather than taking themselves off to the bar when tagging along on what sounds like it was a family holiday for your dc. Sometimes people make unkind comments because it's easier to point the finger at someone else, especially if tensions are already high because they have been drinking all day too.

Leaving aside issues with family/your DP, your life will absolutely only get better if you stop drinking. Holidays will be more fun. You will feel less stressed. You will enjoy your dc more. It's not an easy decision to make, but it won't be one you regret.

1.5 bottles is a lot. You would have appeared drunk. You also seem unwilling to quantify how much you drink, giving a range from 1- several. You also appear to be trying to turn this round on others, like it’s unreasonable of them to expect you to put your own kids to bed, and you clearly didn’t navigate all the airport stuff alone.

Ah right, then I misunderstood - perhaps @Approachingrockbottom can clarify.

From what op said, she was guessing she drank that amount because several bottles were being shared. 1.5 bottles wasn’t the total amount being shared.

A few have seized on the 1.5 bottles of prosecco, but didn't you say it was shared op? How many people shared it?

I'm normally one of the first to call out alcohol dependency. I'm very familiar with it and grew up in a household with a similar alcohol culture. One of my sisters is, I am pretty sure, drinking far too much. My other sister and myself have gone the other way - I don't drink much and dsis no longer drinks at all (her dh is also alcoholic).

But in your case, I don't feel like I know enough to judge whether you have a real problem or are being gaslighted by your dp. And, as someone else has said, are the two things linked?

1.5 bottles of prosecco drunk by one person is very different to a few friends drinking a couple of glasses each. Likewise, a holiday scenario is very different to every day. How frequently do you drink more than the recommended number of units per week? Are you capable of having some alcohol free days in a week without trouble?

You come from a heavy drinking family, which undoubtedly puts you at a higher risk of alcohol dependency, but it's not as black and white as that. The fact that you're questioning it is a good sign - if you are drinking too much, it's not too late to change the habit. But I'm interested in the other aspects of your life, as you sound lacking in self esteem. Are your relationships with others, including your dp, good? Does he make you feel happy and confident or do you find yourself questioning yourself a lot?

As an experiment, can you decide you don't want to drink today? I think after yesterday that's how I'd feel in the morning - right that's it I'm not doing this anymore.

You could have a wonderful day where you're really present for your kids and make their first day of holiday incredible. Sounds like your family won't prioritise them over the booze so you need to. Be the mum they want and need and that you know you can be.

If you then find yourself half cut by 9pm and stumbling to get them to bed again because "I'm on holiday!", it's a pretty clear sign you've got a problem and have lost control over alcohol.

That's exactly what would have happened to me years ago and after having my own realisation- I've been sober for 10 years now thanks to AA.

Possibly if your drinking is a large feature of life, your DP has been a bit dreading this holiday knowing it will give you a chance to fill your boots. He's probably disappointed you haven't even managed a flight without getting drunk.

Kindly, 1.5 bottles of Prosecco is not "a little drunk". It's far, far too much.
I've stopped drinking recently in an effort to lose weight and also because I'm scared of the effects it has on my brain both now (depressed the day after) and long term in terms of dementia. I went through a few weeks of finding it hard to break the habit but I don't miss it at all. You CAN do this, it's worth it for your health and for your children's.

There’s an alcohol support section on here. You might find it helpful to engage with others experiencing similar problems with alcohol.

Good luck

I wondered if I have a drink problem. Quit for a year now I have the odd glass of wine but don’t feel like I need it. Highly recommend an alcohol free reset and then reassess in a year. Really helped my skin/ face I used to get red / blotchy and bloated. Now my skin is lovely again and I look much slimmer.

This is spot on.

You're conflicted as to what the issue is, this isn't meant as criticism but you use terms like 'might have an issue', 'I wouldn't say I crave drink...but...' and you've 'carried a culture forward'.

If you want to serioulsy assess your drinking take your DP out of the picture and be honest with yourself about how much your drinking, why you drink, and I would also recommend looking into alcohol use disorder (which btw, is a normal disorder that many people suffer from), and seeing if any of that resonates.

You don't have to speak to your GP for help and generally they will just signpost you to local services. I would google your council and see what services they provide; usually that's support groups, smart recovery etc.

Also, on a positive note I promise the above isn't scary or insurmountable. It sounds to me like you need to do some introspection and maybe work through some things. Seek support wherever you can find it, and good luck x

OP please find out the local alcohol service in your area and self-refer. There is a lot of help out there. They can work with you and identify triggers and a treatment goal. I work in MH and there are lots of people with substance misuse issues who do not have their kids taken off them. From what you have written, I can’t see why SS would remove your kids at all. Even less so if you are working with services before it actually becomes a problem.

Yes I think you have an issue and it’s great you have posted here. You need to address it before it gets worse so well done.

Could you do this holiday without any drinking? Your reaction will tell you how big of an issue this is.

It is crap that nobody helped you with the kids. Maybe you need to be direct and ask for specific help. Especially if they ‘tagged’ along.

But ensure their kids have someone sober with them at all times. It would not be fair of them to have a holiday surrounded by drunk adults.

I think you have a problem. I love Prosecco but 1.5 bottles is a lot in an airport and plane. I think you know that you need to seek support.

im more interested though in your relationship with DP. Did he say it out of concern or being nasty?
if he’s nasty is he often like that eg is he the cause of the anxiety/drinking?