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Original poster

To have advised friend to not mention affair?

38 replies

Aintbaint · 27/02/2024 16:26

Truthfully I don’t actually know which is the ‘right’ way - friends group is 50/50 on this…

Friend has been married 20 + years, 3 children - 3, 6, 13. DH came home and announced he’s met his soulmate and wants to be with her so wants to sell house and divorce. It’s come out of the blue, has known this woman about 6 months through work.
He’s a services type role so away a lot, but that has also meant friend has been a SAHM for 13 years.
Shes screwed, no job, no income, no savings and no pension. Plus the youngest are still very young. The DH wants to buy a place with the new woman.

It’s all a big shock and clearly going to have a massive impact on the kids. She asked what she should tell them… is it ‘ sometimes adults have to separate but we both love you very much blah blah blah’ or is it ‘daddy is a fuckwit who’s choosing his new girlfriend over his kids and family’

I mean WHAT do you say under these circumstances?

YANBU - for the sake of the kids make it sound mutual and disguise the fact daddy’s thinking with his penis.

YABU - tell the older kids dad’s got a girlfriend, they’ll soon find out anyway? Let them know how he’s destroying the family unit. It’s not mum’s fault.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 27/02/2024 19:58

Aintbaint · 27/02/2024 19:45

‘It's not in their interest for her to tell the children 'the truth' or badmouth the father.’

and when the oldest is going ‘but why?’ I’m wondering how she avoids it?

What do you mean?
When the eldest asks why? That doesn't mean that you have to badmouth the father does it?
I mean even say the dad thought the relationship wasn't working or he didn't think he loved me anymore. The oldest will understand this let's face it. my point being you don't have to badmouth the person do you
Or even avoid the truth.
Truth doesn't equal bad-mouthing them

Original poster
Aintbaint · 27/02/2024 19:45

‘It's not in their interest for her to tell the children 'the truth' or badmouth the father.’

and when the oldest is going ‘but why?’ I’m wondering how she avoids it?

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks01 · 27/02/2024 17:41

You will need to explain the woman living with their dad. Truth isn't bad mouthing. There's always an age appropriate and truthful way of explaining what's happening.

I had to do it when ex moved straight in with ow. There was no bad mouthing or bitterness but when daddy is sharing a bed when the kids stay over you have to explain.

Hoplolly · 27/02/2024 16:48

HandsomeGreige · 27/02/2024 16:44

It doesn’t have to be a complete lie of a mutual separation or utter badmouthing.

It was as simple for me as ‘Daddy loves you lots, but he isn’t going to live here any more because he wants to live with another lady. You will still see him on weekends but we won’t be living all together any more.’

Factual.

I was about 6 or so when this happened to my family unit.

It would have been even more of shit sandwich for my mother to have pretended that this was a mutual split.

I think that's a perfect explanation to be fair. Factual but without being too bitter or badmouthing.

HandsomeGreige · 27/02/2024 16:45

Or an even more neutral- ‘daddy won’t be living here any more’ with no other ladies mentioned.

They’ll work it out in a year or so.

HandsomeGreige · 27/02/2024 16:44

It doesn’t have to be a complete lie of a mutual separation or utter badmouthing.

It was as simple for me as ‘Daddy loves you lots, but he isn’t going to live here any more because he wants to live with another lady. You will still see him on weekends but we won’t be living all together any more.’

Factual.

I was about 6 or so when this happened to my family unit.

It would have been even more of shit sandwich for my mother to have pretended that this was a mutual split.

pizzaHeart · 27/02/2024 16:35

I think that they both can tell politely and factual that they are not in love any more and decided to separate.
But I absolutely can understand what words she wants to use…

redalex261 · 27/02/2024 16:35

Don’t badmouth the ex. Even if it is very deserved. Kids realise as time passes and are grateful they were not made to despise selfish parent but got the measure of them without assistance from angry parent.

Nicebloomers · 27/02/2024 16:34

I’m sure there’s a middle ground. If he’s moving straight in with another woman it will be pretty obvious for the eldest at least. Does she need to give a reason? Kids tend to just need facts ‘Daddy is going to be living somewhere else.’ I wouldn’t lie for him but it doesn’t need to be so ‘your father has been screwing around’.

Hoplolly · 27/02/2024 16:33

It's not in their interest for her to tell the children 'the truth' or badmouth the father. They'll find out the truth one day when they're older and they can do what they like with it then. Her job is to protect the children, divorce is enough turmoil as it is. Why anyone would want to inflict more hurt on them, I don't know.

Pirelli · 27/02/2024 16:32

Don't say anything bad about dad but telling the truth is imperative.

The ideas the children form now will remain with them. Supposing, later on, the children find out that the split wasn't actually mutual at all?! They may well feel they were told a lie by a person they trusted to always tell the truth.

purpleme12 · 27/02/2024 16:28

Don't badmouth dad however much you may want to.
Because it's not the best thing for the children
You don't have to word it so it's a mutual decision if it isn't a mutual decision.
But just doing say anything bad about dad

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/02/2024 16:28

It's super hard on her but I think she needs to
protect the kids from this stuff. It'll only be so confusing and hurtful for them. They may well realise if he's pathetic enough to introduce the new woman any time soon but you'd hope not. So sorry for your friend Op.

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