Do you like being a parent?

26 was how old my mother was when she had
me. I always loved how she aged in relation to my growing up. She also thrived as I moved into adulthood. You've got a big decision to make. I can tell you aren't taking it lightly and it's amazingly perceptive that you're aware of what you give up when you become a parent.

I went into motherhood at 31 with a rose tinted vision of what it would be like. It is not easy to be a good parent. Or any parent type of parent, actually. You have to commit, you have to surrender and you have to say goodbye to the life you knew before.

You can't possibly begin to really know how motherhood will feel for you, or what it will be like.. that 24/7 responsibility for another person. It's absolute all-consumingmagic but it's also absolutely horribly shit. And mundane. And repetitive. And restrictive. And frustrating. And exhausting.

Things that make it easier are that willingness to surrender to motherhood. To not try and live your childfree life as a parent. You can't do that. Well maybe you can but I can't. You also have it easier (ImO) if you're in a strong, supportive partnership. Doing the family thing together with a partner is amazing.

So.. no help. Being a parent is great but it's also really not. I want to tell you to enjoy your lie-ins and brunches and Netflix binged and freedom to do whatever whenever. But I also want to tell you how I stared into my newborn's eyes today and she smiled for the first time. And I sat with my son during his piano lesson. I've made these little people and you could make a little person too. It's a tough call. You'll know what the right decision is for you.

I read this quote related to decision-making.. it said that if your gut reaction isn't a 'hell yes', you should say no to that thing. Something to think about.

I don't think it is that uncommon to feel that way.

Quite a few of my friends that have children and I am talking grown up children and even grandchildren/great grandchildren, say although they love their children, if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any

I have found raising adult DC much harder than young DC. And try as I might, I am only as happy as my unhappiest child. This makes life difficult, because most young adults are unhappy these days, and I can't make them happy with icecream, as I could when they were tiny.

I think Leda in 'The Lost Daughter' sums it up pretty well - 'Children are a crushing responsibility.'
Your life completely and utterly changes and I found the first couple of years incredibly difficult in a 'what the hell have I done' way. Then it starts to get easier and they are your world - but the worry about them and their future is always there. My life now though has so much more meaning. I agree with others that it is a huge contradiction, they are the best thing most life changing thing and also the most difficult and stressful thing. The responsibility weighs heavy but I couldn't imagine life without them.

I love being a parent and would highly recommend it. My daughter lights up my life and fills me with so much love and joy. But the disclaimer is that she's only 7 months old.

Oh bore off

On balance, no I don’t.

I do regret it.

I might have felt differently if their Father was a different man.

Don't regret having kids. But feel some stages of their developmental are a lot harder than others. Mine seem to have theirs when I'm exhausted or going through something. I started my family at 20 -I have four kids. I am now 35 and I'm glad I had mine when I did because they're all at a good age that wee can have fun and now limited to what we can do.. However, my sister is the same age and only starting her family now and it reminds me that Im glad to have them when I did.
I would say being a mum is hard. It can be lonely and isolating. I feel with the wrong group of friends, it can be competitive too, which is not helpful!. However, I genuinely wouldn't change being a mum. They drive me mad but they are so much fun. They are so different in some many ways, and watching them grow.

Being a mum is unique to you. You don't really know until you experience it. You hear horror stories and you can hear fairy stories the fact is, it will be up to you.. you might loose some freedom for while but it will come back again.

They are the most draining and yet best things in my life. It's such a strange contradiction being a parent.

I've generally enjoyed it but I'd say how much you enjoy parenting depends a lot on your support network (or alternatively money, if you have enough of it).

In our case, we live near both our parents who, when kids were young, were able to provide ad hoc babysitting child care for evenings and holidays (though not a regular commitment like having them for full days every week) - this meant DH and I could have a social life and also time just to ourselves which meant we didn't feel like life was 100% babies/children. I'm not talking out every week, but 2-3 times a month generally. I imagine if one has money to pay babysitters or have a full time nanny, then it's also much easier.

I think without that, it can be hard and overwhelming. Parenting is a lot of work and a lot of constraint on you (with many moments of joy amid that), but much easier if you are enabled to have some downtime. I can imagine it feeling quite oppressive if, say, you are on your own and not able to have breaks.

Honestly?

No I do not enjoy being a parent. Its hard, really hard. I don't have/didn't get that 'life affirming' hallelujah moment or feeling.

But I also don't regret becoming a parent, its something we tried hard for and suffered a lot along the way. I think the issue is with me, not the baby

I had DD1 when I was 18. It was a struggle….I had DD2 when I was 26 and DS when I was 28…the struggles were the same.
There was crap times and wonderful times, skint times and less skint times, tired times and well rested times, times I wished I was out clubbing at 2am and times there was nowhere else I’d rather be than reading Hugless Douglas to a teething baby at 2am.

Now, years down the line….DD1 has her own home and children. DD2 is starting 6th form and DS is out with his mates more than he’s home. I look back and my god I miss them being little, it’s true, it goes SO fast but I adore the individuals they’ve become.
They’re my own little ‘gang’ they’re MY people and I love the bones of them.
When you love your children so fiercely that every achievement of theirs is the best feeling ever….it doesn’t get better than that.

So all I can say is…it’s hard work, damn hard work but I wouldn’t change them for anything, ever.

I love my son more than anything in the world. I do not like being a parent at all.

I absolutely love being a parent. But there is no way I would have wanted to be one at 26.

Oh op, I'm so sorry you've been feeling down. You're going to get such varied responses here that I'm not sure it'll help you make up your mind.

From my perspective, it fundamentally changed me. When they were born and I saw their characters develop, it was like I'd known them all my life.

I don't regret having them. I enjoy being a mum. It has given me a sense of purpose and fulfillment like nothing else I've done in my life. They're my greatest achievement, with no exception.

Now the tough bit: there have been times when I've been brought to my knees by my youngest, I have cried like never before in my life, I have never been sadder, nor felt like such a failure. At times. She's neurodivergent, and it's fair to say she's challenged us in ways that her elder brother never has done.

But my word, she makes my heart sing and has also made me laugh harder than at any other time in my life. Raising her has made discover things about myself that I never knew before. She's made me think differently about the world, and I'll be forever grateful to her for that.

Nobody can make the decision for you. All I'll say is that I don't think anyone is ever truly 'ready' for children - even those who have wanted them for years and are overjoyed at becoming pregnant.

Good luck, whatever you decide. And take care of yourself.

I was a bit older, 28, and 30 with the 2nd one. DH and I had been together since A levels though, so we were very settled.
Every stage has its challenges and highlights.
I’m glad I wasn’t any older as I feel knackered now at 47!
I don’t particularly like little kids, so found the colouring in years a bit dull, but they’re fantastic teenagers and I love their company, and that of their friends now.
The state of the world takes on a new worry when you’ve got kids, and i dont think ill ever stop worrying about them and wanting the best for them.
They’ll be off to Uni soon, both dreading it and looking forward to some peace and quiet!

I love it, but it is stressful and it REALLY hinges on who you’re having said child with. If you don’t choose wisely then you’re in for a lot of disappointment and hard work.

I had my first at 27. Honestly? Yes I regret having children. I love them with everything I have but given my time again I definitely wouldn’t have any. I think mainly because my eldest son is disabled and will always need 24.7 care and life is such a struggle for him. He’s now an adult now (25) but I worry constantly and over the years that has had a huge impact on our other children.

None of my other kids want children and I’m happy with that.

I had my children when I was 31 and 34 and I have always said that I wished I had done it earlier.

My sister had her children at 23 and 25, and now at the age of 41 she’s pretty much got her own life back and has a great time!

Meanwhile, I’m 40 with a 6 year old and a 9 year old and “getting my life back” and having the same kind of freedom my sister now has seems a very, very long way away.

When she had children at 23 and 25 I thought she was mad……but on reflection, there are definitely upsides to having then younger!

Hi, thank you so much. I was (am) prepared to get flamed on here for my comment, but your response has actually made me well up.

I hope this is just a phase that shall pass….

Currently my youngest is pre-verbal, pre-walking, requiring spoon feeding for most meals, hasn’t yet got the capacity for reasoning or setting boundaries, learning “no” etc. She is delayed and eventually will get there (not ever to the same level as her peers, though) but it is just currently relentless and both physically and mentally exhausting. She is 2. It’s definitely getting harder rather than easier- or possibly the prolonged stress is just exhausting me.

Knew I had made a mistake as soon as I went into labour with my 1st. Nothing in the following 37 years has changed my mind.

Hate it. A relentless round of boring repetitive tasks. Little time for myself and stupidly expensive. Trashed my body and my mind. My previous life was way better. If l could go back in time l wouldn’t have them -it was twins

I absolutely, absolutely LOVE being a mum.

It’s the best and hardest and most challenging and most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I was 35 when I became a mum and I have loved every stage. I have teenagers now. God they are fantastic.

So hard though. No days off, constantly learning and improving, and they come hard wired in certain ways and you have to learn to parent them in the ways they need.

And the domestic stuff! I’m really lucky to have a rewarding job and a supportive partner, but the domestic work is still significant.

But I wouldn’t change it. I feel so lucky to be raising three brilliant, useful, fabulous humans.

I have 3DC age 12, 16 & 20. I started off a lone parent at 24 with my first, then married, had the other two, then went back to being a lone parent after 6 years. Loved parenting alone, hated parenting as a couple.

I'm really glad I did it. It has taught me a lot about myself and improved my personality and circumstances. I was a right dickhead, my DC have changed me for the better. They are the best of me and my life's work. I really like them, they are my favourite people to talk to.

I found the early years very hard and not really very enjoyable. But now my DC's are a bit older 7 and 9 they really enhance my life and I can enjoy doing some of my hobbies with my children. They have also introduced me to new hobbies. They have enquiring minds so we have some really interesting conversations. They are enjoyable company, the less enjoyable things like having to hang around at other children's parties and going to soft play has stopped. I have made so great new friends through the kids, people I would never have meet otherwise. The difficult hard part in the early years is in reality so short (I think it improved around age 4) and although at times I hated it these early years. I was definitely worth it in my opinion.