Do you like being a parent?

Is that even true though. Everywhere you look the realities of parenting are apparent; there is so much out there on the impact on women’s careers, their bodies, their relationships. If anything I think the culture is to focus more on the negatives and to shame anyone who dares to challenge the narrative that it’s all awful.

Can it really come as a surprise to anyone that having a small totally reliant human to care for is expensive and a lot of extra work? Really!?

It is sad to boil the experience down to all the drudgery and work without any joy for how precious small people are. Do I find the extra work hard? Yes. But would I swap my child for more money to buy shoes with and have a clean kitchen floor? No. I do find it sad for the children of those that would. Yes, super sad because it is super sad. Imagine being the small person whose parent describes you in that way :( it’s desperately sad But also a real human feeling; so if you feel that way, no shame, but you can do something about it and you have a responsibility to do so for your kid. Do talk about it, but don’t stop at just complaining, go speak to someone. Explore why you feel that way, work through it. Much more likely to leave you and your child in a better place.

Or get angry at a stranger on a forum, whichever works :)

I had DD at 26. Some things were really,really shit. Some things were really,really great. Since she was about 9/10 it's been mostly great and I definitely feel it was worth it. I'd definitely do it again if I knew I'd get the same kid, despite the first shitty years, which ironically I look at wistfully when a baby /toddler pic shows up on my memories . It's not perfect (in so many ways) but it's nice, it's fun and there's so much laughter and love. No regrets( might change my mind once we're in the full blown teen years).

My two were easy as babies and toddlers. So much fun. Now they’re 7 and 9, I don’t find half as much enjoyment. The constant bickering, screeching and non stop verbal diahorrea leaves me wanting to hide in a quiet field far, far away. They are angels when they are apart from each other though and are also model students at school, which winds me up even more because teachers think they are so well behaved!

My children are both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I love them both fiercely, they are funny and kind and give me the family that I always dreamed I'd have. They surprise me every day and one of the best things about children is watching them discover the world bit by bit. Their wonder at life itself is incredible. I had my first child at 28, and for me the timing was right - my twenties had been great fun and I was ready for the next stage.

But I also mourn my old life on a near daily basis. I'm exhausted, I'm enormously fat these days, my career has nosedived (I earn less now than I did when I was 20), and I'm not a particularly interesting person anymore as my life revolves around small children in a small village. I never get time to myself and when I do sneak a rare few hours I don't know how to make the most of them because I don't have any hobbies anymore. My children are now the only thing that defines my life, and that's incredibly depressing.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you have a supportive partner - the one thing I do know is that my husband is my rock and there's no way I'd have wanted to have children on my own.

For context, my children are 6 and 4, so still very young and we're going through a raft of behavioural issues with the elder one. I hold onto hope that it will get easier and the good days will outstrip the bad ones!

Not sure if any of this helps, but hopefully it gives you a realistic picture of life with kids.

I love being a parent. I was older than you when I became a mum though and felt I'd experienced a lot from life and wouldn't be missing out on things.

There are some things I didn't fully appreciate, like the impact on my career and how utterly annoying children can sometimes be but no regrets. I love my DC so much and (mostly) treasure the time I spend with them.

Yes, I love it...but it isn't easy. It has made a huge difference to the sort of life we have.

I found the baby and toddler years very full on. Those years are something I look back on now and think how lovely they were, but that is probably rose tinted spectacles. I often found it hard ansd stressful at the time. I was so worried about them- they're so helpless and it was my responsibility to keep them safe. So, a big deal and not something I'd ever experienced before. I also didn't have any help from family (except dh), so I felt a little isolated.

Now they're much more self sufficient and their own people, they are really good company and I can't wait to see them when I pick them up from school. It is a lot of fun!

Good luck to you

My life is nothing like it was pre kids, it's very full on and you can feel very touch out at times. As most things there are easy days and hard days. Usually the good out weighs the bad.

I do absolutely love being a mum though wouldn't change it for the world

I would say if you have some support you don't have to say goodbye to your old life completely.
You can still go on nights out, even hols if you have trustworthy people in your life to help / a supportive partner.
My baby's nine months old and we've been to Spain on holiday twice and several breaks away already. He's been with me on lots of lunch / coffee breaks with friends.
He's been in to work, lots of meals out, many lovely walks during mat leave.
He's basically fitted into our lives perfectly, though we seem to have been blessed with a chilled out baby, and they are all different.
And of course the responsibility is immense. Your priorities completely change.
I totally understand you might not be ready yet, and I wouldn't have been at your age, but on the plus side, you would still be relatively young once baby is all grown up.
Only you can decide.
Good luck!

This kind of judgement is what makes people who maybe regret having kids really scared to speak up, which is why a more rounded realistic view of parenthood isn't out there publicly.

OP imagine having an incredibly messy housemate who you had to do all cooking and cleaning and laundry for, who shouted and screamed on a daily basis and who you had to pay for everything for and who you couldn't leave alone. This is the shit bit of young children... There is so much amazing joyous stuff too but the relentless daily drudgery, the lack of freedom and the expense is a lot.

That was not the implication at all. The poster said her life was brilliant pre kids and they have basically ruined her life; and the only people who enjoy parenting can only do so because they had a shit life beforehand. Read her comments; she does come across as narcissistic because she seems to see her kid like an inconvenience. I don’t get why people like that would try SO hard to have a kid and not have thought about whether they are actually up to job.

I have huge respect for people who think parenting isn’t for them; and appreciate there are many selfless reasons why one might choose not to do it / also many who are desperate to and can’t. It’s not my place to judge and certainly never assume or imply childless women are selfish.

I do think it’s really sad to have kids and say you would have terminated them if you could go back in time and that they’ve ruined your life. Just seems to be some psychological issues going on there that will no doubt cause huge lifelong pain to the kids.

I love being a parent. I'm someone who needs my own space and time to function well and be the parent I want to be. By having a supportive partner and only having one child, this is possible - I have plenty of time to myself, still enjoy my career, travel etc but also have my wonderful, incredible daughter who brings me so much love and joy. I'm a brilliant mother, didn't realise how instinctive it would be, it was incredible to find that out about myself - that I had this innate ability to mother her well.

There are some sacrifices yes, but if you have a good partner there's no reason why you can't still go out and have time to yourself.

I'm very maternal. I love to snuggle my little ones and to care for them. However I didn't think properly about the implications of having children and the lack of any life of your own - and it's very hard. On the plus side yours may well have moved out when you're 45 or so, then you could have a life again whilst still you enough to live it. I also hadnt factored in how emotionally hard it is - constant mum guilt, worrying about if they are getting what they need, struggling to balance work and kids. I think if you love your life now you might regret it. But you might regret an abortion. Only you can decide really, sorry 😕

Parenting Is hard at the best of times without additional needs to navigate- so I can’t imagine anyone would even dare flame you or shame you for saying your set of circumstances is difficult. It sounds so hard and it’s ok to share that. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly in the circumstances.

I am in awe of parents like you - and your stress and worry indicates just how much you love your children.

I hope you find some small ways to get some respite and look after yourself too. xx

Don't blame yourself. I don't honestly see how anyone can know what parenting is like before you become one. It is literally so far removed from any other life experience, there is absolutely no way to practically or emotionally prepare yourself.

Yes, I do.

It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and some days are not easy, but it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

You can’t say with any degree of certainty that the OP won’t regret it

That’s just a silly thing to say

My DD is 19 months. She sleeps well usually and is adorable most of the time.
Is it always positive? No. There are days where I count down until 7pm. But the positive and the love I feel for her outweighs any negative. I pulled to the house today to see my husband and baby dancing in the kitchen through the window and I can't stop thinking about how cute it was! I'm also lucky as I can work part-time, have a very supportive husband who does 50/50, and family who are always happy to have my DD.
It changes your life more than you can imagine, but it has been lovely most of the time.

I had a great life before kids, travelled, good career, fab husband, disposable income, good social life and I was on the fence when we decided to try.

Being a parent is hard work, sometimes thankless and relentless and you want to scream to have some time to yourself.

But despite all that, nothing in this world compares to the joy my children bring me, it’s like nothing else and I wouldn’t change things for anything. You won’t regret it OP.

Such a difficult question...

I love my children and would do anything for them. They are my pride and joy and I do think my life would be incomplete without them. I wouldn't always have said this, but now if I could go back in time, I'm 90% sure I still would have had them.

However I do think the phrase "Children are an immense source of joy. It's a shame they turn every other source of joy to shit" is quite accurate 🤣

They are so much work, there is a lot of drudgery, your money is not your own anymore, your time is not your own anymore, even your emotions are not your own anymore (the other phrase, "You are only as happy as your unhappiest child" is also very accurate).

The first year of parenthood was the absolute worst. In hindsight now though, I think I had PND. It didn't help that I had an awful four day labour followed by an emergency C-section so I was already deliriously sleep-deprived by the time DC1 was born. They then had horrendous silent reflux. For most of the first year, I was scared, anxious and lonely.

Now my two are primary school aged, it is definitely (not easy, but) easier and you get a bit more time to be you. (Disclaimer, have one likely ND child).

As a PP says, it definitely puts things in perspective. Things I used to really stress about, like work, barely register now.

Plus when you do manage to get any time to yourself, and especially if it's a rare 24 hours, it is the best thing in the world and makes you wonder why an earth you didn't appreciate it at the time 🤣

Says the person who claims anyone who doesn’t enjoy being a parent is a narcissist

You’re a nasty piece of work

I adore being a parent-but I waited til I was sure I was ready for a completely new challenge before I did. I'd been an adult out in the world for 20 years and in a monogamous relationship for 18. So I took my time......

You seem really unpleasant. I hope you’re ok.

I absolutely love it.

I love it and can't really imagine/remember what my life was like before and I have been surprised at how much I don't want the things I enjoyed before (like travelling for work I used to love, now I hate being away from family) but I was 36, felt very ready and that it was what I really wanted. Think the support you have makes a big difference - we are a long way from family so that is hard sometimes with little outside support

Personally, I think you get the kind of nerves you are describing whenever you have your first child.

I was 28 when I had my first, 30 with my second, and miscarried late term when I was 27 and 29.

I enjoyed life pre babies, and really didn't appreciate how hard it is having a family. I'm in the thick of it with a toddler and baby, so probably biased, but regardless of age I think a strong, truthful and equal relationship is the thing that makes the biggest impact on parenthood:
How does your partner feel? If you're honest to yourself, how likely are they to be up every two hours in the night? How selfless are they when you're both sick? How much time does their job give them outside of work? What's the division of housework?

I thought I had the most splendid partner of 15 years, and I absolutely do, but the biggest shock to me was how unequal things can be. A lot falls on the mother for various reasons (breastfeeding if you decided to, kids often want mummy when they're sick, I was more resilient to lack of sleep, etc). It was a tough realisation, but I changed my expectations and worked to our strengths. Eg he's much more useful doing the household chores or taking the kids to the park than handling the toddler's tantrum or life admin.

Have a frank and honest conversation with your partner on parenting styles, wishes and wants for your children etc.

All the best for whatever you decide - because it is totally up to you - but don't let your age be a defining factor because it's much more dependent on your personalities, goals, lifestyle etc x 💐