If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

Do you mean the other gc getting the total equivalent to the 3 cousins fees?

Is it then being gifted from earnings.

What would annoy me is if a sibling got say 325 and it uses up the gp tax free allowance (or even is 7 years earlier) and then also any left is divided equally.
As then the child 2 would lose to iht

I think this about hurt, whether they needed it or not the parents didn't make this offer to the sibling with the older child. They've made choices like having one DC to make sure they could afford to sustain the lifestyle they wanted for their DC . Younger sibling has had 3 DC can't afford to keep up with what they've started and parents have jumped in to rescue. It's not the money, it's the thought and the offer that was there for one and not the other, it's also that they've made sensible decisions to be able to support themselves and their family, younger sibling doesn't but gets bailed out anyway.
I can see why that would sting

Yep.

bil’s sister put her two in private school at 2.

couldn’t afford it long term, clearly. Lots of discussion about having to put them in the local sink primary, where these poor children would no doubt get bullied and beaten up for being “posh”

hey presto, grandparents start “helping” out.

bil kids, a few years younger, got nothing, as all GP’s spare cash was going on the school fees- although bil didn’t find this out for years as it was kept hush hush.

the older two GC even got all their student loans paid as the sister then guilted them into the whole they won’t get to go to uni.

Bil’s parents are massive snobs and bought into the whole private school shit, but didn’t think forwards to the fact they wouldn’t be able to offer the younger two the same. And as bil didn’t know they were paying, never asked or considered private school.

See, that does sound like manipulation to me. It sounds like it was said in the hope of getting an offer of paying fees rather than the more adult option of asking directly. And I do agree with the sibling saying that as an adult you shouldn’t be relying on your parents to fund things (though that’s easy for me to say with no well-off parents or PIL to offer money - I suspect I might think otherwise if things were different).

The sibling may also be thinking ahead to the parents getting older and frailer, and potential care costs. While the parents sounds as though they have plenty of money if they can cover school fees for three children for several years, that will deplete funds for anything else.

This is a simple case of a sibling being pissed off and ‘lashing’ out

It doesn’t need to be really given the energy. It’s the parents money they can do what they wish with it.

I can fully empathize with the bitter sibling though, we chose to only have one child as we want to go the private school route, I’d be hurt to put my child through school and then my sibling gets their 3x kids paid for. Even if the same money was offered to me after the fact. I do think if large gifts like this were on the table it should have been discussed years ago, but that obviously depends on the source of these funds.

My grandparents paid for my brother's school fees. My parents' siblings didn't care (not sure if they even knew about it?) as it was my grandmother's money to do with what she wanted. I also didn't mind, even though I went to a state school but I liked my school and was happy for my brother.

I don’t know, I think other inequality is hard to quantify - time, attention, support, love. All entirely subjective.

Money is black and white numbers. Very easy to see where the inequality is.

In which case parents are being manipulated. They aren’t just randomly choosing to give the money freely, they’ve had their child complaining and moaning to them about the costs of putting 3 kids through school, winging about how they’d have to take kids out of that school, laying it on nice and thick. And all of a sudden they offer the money. If I was sibling I wouldn’t be happy with this either, they’re right really, have the life you can afford on your own two feet.

if there’s genuine manipulation then that’s the only way I can get on board with the sibling having an opinion - again apart from that there’s nothing more tedious than adults whinging about being treated unfairly compared to their siblings.

It always seems to be about money too rather than any other relationship inequality which signifies greed.

How was the offer phrased though?

’If you’re unhappy about it, we can give you the same amount if you want?’

is very different psychologically to

’We’re giving you each ££. Sibling is spending theirs on school fees, spend yours on what you want!’

It feels wrong from what I’ve read from you OP, I appreciate you are keeping details vague, so I may be off the mark, but paying for three children’s private school fees and giving the other grandchild (adult or not) nothing is cruel. Even if the sibling would appreciate the money now, it’s clear they are hurt and I would probably feel similar. It’s not treating children equally and that’s not fair.

I don't have kids but my sisters do. I wouldn't be happy in this situation, and I wouldn't take the equivalent money either. Fund your own kids' education!

Interesting way of looking at things.
If I didn't have dc and my dp gave my sibling money for the gc, why on earth is it any of my business?
The gc have their own relationship with dp and are people in their own right.
Surely they are seperate and it's not the same as handing one sibling more money?

My dad treated us all as individuals, including the grandchildren. If I'd complained when he paid my nephew and nieces school fees (I was childless at the time), he'd have quite rightly told me it was none of my business what he spent his money on.

I would presume that ahould my siblings have children then they wouls be treated fairly and their fees would also be paid. I would only accept the payment knowing they could afford to do so and that was the deal

Well, that’s all cover for the fact their feelings are hurt and fear that their parents favour the other sibling (whether justified or not).

I think I personally would be pissed off if I’d paid thousands for school fees with no outside help and then my sibling gets the same handed to them on a plate.

Yes, I do have siblings. We were going through situation of bankruptcy and divorce, and my child only has a couple of years left at school, so the offer was made so as not to disrupt her education. So it's not a fortune, but it is a private matter. I did not ask, but the offer was made.

The fees for 3 children will be upwards of 500k. Of course that would be grossly unfair if the GPs did not contribute to the older grandchild's fees. The GP should split their resources fairly. Perhaps an amount set aside towards a house deposit would ease the disparity. Why should the other sibling receive nothing for their family by being able to afford fees themselves because they only had 1 child instead of 3!

I can see that this could be manipulation. Parents "casually" mention that costs are rising steeply, that they don't want to move their children from their schools where they are settled and have made friends .... lo and behold, the grand parents "spontaneously" offer to pay the fees.

There must be some truth to the manipulation because why else would they not want to even accept money from the parents?