If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

And if the parents had given their sibling money for any sensible reason (ie not for gambling or something crazy), the sibling with the 3dc would not have considered it any of their business. The whole thing feels so strange.

So even though you are struggling to afford the fees you wouldn’t mind if your sibling was gifted 500k & you received nothing? that’s unlikely

@Grosshesselohe Sorry, OP is manipulating MN with this thread. So this, on its own is evidence that the GP are being manipulated.

OP, as a parent of 3 kids, you are very dishonest. As soon as I hit adulthood, I understood that anytime I go to my parents 'moaning' about costs of flights to my posh holiday, costs of a posh coat etc etc I was manipulating them to. either gift it to me or offer half or whatever. As a responsible adult with my own salary, I stopped doing that in my 20s. So which part of that do you not understand?

Also, none gives birth to 3 kids WANTING to put them through private schooling didn't have a plan including unexpected rises as in COL crisis. So, your sibling saw you, from day one churning out baby after baby well knowing, you were in no position to support the PE which you clearly covert. Your sibling stopped at one child. Your sibling is right- fund your own kids.

In future, your parents should have found the £1 mil they clearly have, divide it into £500K parts and hand the equal amount to both of you. You would then be free to spend yours as you please. Do parents have £1mil laying around? You have told us on this site how rich/wealthy your parents clearly are.

I also find it distasteful that your partner's parents were not leaned on to even offer half. So you and partner gave birth to one kid after another with eyes firmly fixed on your parents' future help which I find distasteful. Is partner a user?

Also, sibling is worried 'where' the manipulation will stop. Clearly there will be no end.

Really odd of the other sibling. I’d be happy for my sibling re the school fees and would have no hesitation accepting equivalent cash! They got some issues.

i wonder if GP would consider paying off uni student loan of other siblings DC if they have them so there is some contribution to that family despite the sibling refusing it for themself

It does sound like you’ve guilted / manipulated your parents into paying. They certainly didn’t freely offer, as you had earlier implied.

I empathise totally with your sibling, as my younger sibling is similar to you. I also don’t like the language you’ve used about your sibling, like “ranting and raving” and “trying to understand the psychology” - quite manipulative and gaslighting imo.

I’ve seen this at play in a family, although it was never discussed, I’m convinced a similar whinge session(s) resulted in private school being funded.

I see it as an outsider, but that particular sibling in the family I’m thinking of, has the parents completely doing her bidding! She has turned her own form of non-manipulative manipulation into an art form, it’s almost incredible to watch it!

she’d never say she’s manipulating and they wouldn’t never say they are being manipulated, but it’s clear as day, to those looking on!

Blatantly unfair. Are they equalising this in the will? Reduce your inheritance by fees paid ?

So there is the truth of it. That to me is manipulation. You chose to have three children and chose to send them to private school and now you can't afford to continue so your parents feel obliged to offer to help because they don't want to see the younger child have less than the siblings. I now agree with your sibling, you and your husband made a decision and should accept that you can't afford to continue and should not expect grand parents to pick up the shortfall.

I get why the sibling is pissed off. Their sibling made choices they couldn’t afford and are now expecting parents to foot the bill. It stinks of manipulation, even if the grandparents can afford it.

Is the assumption that the GPs are financially secure accurate? My DSis holds this belief about my DPs and is constantly asking for money as a result but she hasn't thought forward 20 years. What happens if they get dementia and need round the clock care for example? The money goes like sand in an egg timer like that.

I think it's hard to want to accept the equivalent money offered when the only reason it's been offered is they want to give money to the other sibling.

It's complicated but on a much lesser scale I understand. One of my siblings has been bailed out many times by my family and my DM would like to offer the equivalent amount of money to me. It would just feel really uncomfortable accepting. I don't resent the money but I do think a bit less of my DS for not supporting themselves.

I don't see why ppl suggests offering 3x school fees to eldest dgc. Each grandchild is a separate person. If I were the gp I'd offer something to eldest dgc, in the form of financial help for uni or house deposit. Not three times what the cousins are getting, approx the average. But op and others seems to see the children as extensions of their parents.

So you did put a guilt trip on your parents to get them to pay for your children's education. Your sibling has called you on your manipulation and now you're crying about it because they saw through you.

Maybe they didn't mention the difficulties they faced financially to the family.
They may feel that the sibling 'moaned 'a lot and that as pressure on the Granparents.
Possibly, the Gransparents could 'gift' the equivalent of fees × 3 to their eldest Grandchild each year? This could help with University Debt etc. The Grandparents could then pay the fees directly to the school each year. Rather than a lump sum to parents.

One assumes that Grandparents will be paying fees for at least another 5 or 6 years.
No one knows what can befall the Grandparents in that time. One always thinks there is enough for future care or another Liz Truss wiping out investment.

I misread this, but same applies to school fees or further education. If the parents want to help it's their choice.

My sibling decided to do a second degree and my parents paid for it as they could afford it and it would help with their future career.

I was happy for my sibling. It was really none of my business anyway, but I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to give me the equivalent money.

If they can afford it and want to pay for it, why shouldn't they?

I agree with this!

DH has several siblings but only one girl. PIL pretty much paid for a good chunk of her wedding many years ago. They have given other £ gifts to DH and his brothers but not to the same value or scale.

None of them care!

It's PILs money and they can do with it as they see fit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would GPS offer without being asked if the costs were never mentioned? Why put children into education you can't afford.

If their "adults should stand on your own feet" response genuinely reflects their ideology, then if I were the grandparents I'd be thinking hard about the best way to assist / support their other grandchild directly rather than via their parents. Eg offering to pay student loan / house deposit / other. And have the discussion directly with that child (either now or after they've left uni or after they are 25 or whatever at their discretion!)

I'd worry about What happens if the grandparents die? Is provision made for the estate to continue?
If siblings have a reason to think it's been coerced from parents ....like you have form for getting everything paid for it is their right to be upset.

To be honest, you sound a bit up yourself when you say this:

I want to understand the psychology behind it.

Your sibling has every right to have their own reaction and actually they probably cannot believe the cheek of you accepting school fees for 3 children. I assume your parents are nice and they've essentially been guilt tripped into doing this. 7 years of private school is long enough to switch to state if you can no longer afford it.
I can see your siblings point of view now, you're coming across very entitled now. Saying you want to understand the psychology behind it makes you sound like you're trying to make your sibling look crazy, when they're just as entitled to an opinion as you are.

Yeah, I'm rethinking my original response now reflecting on the fact that the sibling has already put a child through private school with no offer of help. In my family that would be okay - it would be because DPs didn't really have estate planning and IHT on their minds 10+ years ago and now they do (and maybe have more 'spare' money to make regular payments with). But if it's really a case of the sibling (and their DC) being an afterthought I can see that it might be hurtful.

If I were the sibling, I might be pissed off thinking my sibling was being manipulative, but overall accept the grandparents' decision as it's not the DCs' fault.

My dad pays for DS fees. I have a younger sister. She received a lump sum of money to make up for it but I think the fees will end up being more (as they keep increasing!). She said she doesn’t care. She might feel differently when she has her own kids I’m not sure (she’s 25).

I'm the sibling in this situation. My parents pay for DN's to go to private school. There has never been any offer of any "equivalent" to us, although last year they did offer to pay for DC2's music lessons. I'm not surprised (apart from the offer of music lessons!) and I don't expect anything from them. I know my place. I know sibling manipulates my parents by withholding my DN's.

I can see why they think it's manipulative, probably my sibling did the same kind of thing. I would think they don't want to accept the money because, if it hadn't been for you needing it for the school fees, it would never have been offered. They're not being offered the money out of kindness, they weren't offered the money when they had young Dc to put through private school or when they were struggling and had to make sacrifices, or to make their life easier, they're only being offered it because you need it.

So why didn't the grandparents help out when the sibling's child was still in school? What use is the money to him now?

I can totally understand the sibling's pov. It just seems like grandparents are giving him the money now just so that it makes it 'ok' for them to pay for the 3 grandchildren.

This is an awful thing to do.

Are you the grandparent paying the fees?

Sounds like the sibling has been cast as the capable one, which usually happens at a young age. It's always been assumed that they would be fine standing on their own two feet and no help given, because they don't "need" it. They've made every decision in life on the assumption that they wouldn't be given any additional help, because they're expected to be the capable one and get on with it and no help has ever been offered. That made well have included the number of children they had.

Then the sibling (always less capable, always "needing" more help?) comes along and has three children - but when they can't afford fees, mum and dad step in to help them, again.

Is there some truth in that? It's a really shit place to be.