If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

Reading the op post and replies I think the feelings that have come up are judgement. Op do you feel judged and criticised by the sibling? Seems like classic sibling dynamics playing out here around fairness. That stuff runs deep. It’s not really about the £ involved or school choices - you feel told off. No easy answer because I doubt the sibling will change his views. Personally I have had to stand on my own with finance and it’s been hard sometimes but it worked out and meant not getting involved in these situations.

ivedonejuryservice
Based on the people I've spoken too offline and on Mumsnet, what stands out to me is that most of the time it isn't just about exam results. It's often about an environment that they feel their children will thrive and be noticed by staff.

For example if I had a choice between a school where my children could do their 9-3.30/4pm in a nice environment with minimal disruption, had time for enrichment, and where they could make decent progress each year then I'd choose that over another school where the results are similar, but Years 7-9 are coasting, the staff are being pulled to focus on too many things that aren't teaching, then GCSE students are being given endless intervention (aka removing students from subjects they enjoy to do more maths and English because of gaps caused further down the school) or staff/students are being told they have 'voluntary' extra lessons after school because the school are worried that their progress 8 score isn't going to be as high.

Both schools would have similar GCSE results for a motivated child with a supportive family, but one is a nicer environment overall for their secondary education.

I used to think similarly to you, but have come to appreciate why some people are making that choice. I don't understand why anyone would financially ruin their family for it though if there's a reasonable local alternative.

I know this is not the point of the post & that the OP doesn’t want to up root her children from an environment they’re settled in, but I genuinely wonder why people thinks private schools are better ?!

in the last few years children I’ve seen come out of private school haven’t had as good exam results (or all round life experiences) as those 16/18 year old coming out of state schools!

if I’d paid £100k per child for an education and they came out with 3’s 4’s & 5’s at GCSE I’d be more than a tad annoyed!!

is it really worth the cost and heart ache?

The sibling should just stay out of it. If they’ve been offered the same value or would be treated the same then there shouldn’t be an issue.

That was the exact result you expected when you made the casual comment though wasn't it? Has that been your pattern through your life?

So are you accepting a 25% contribution? Or them paying the full fees? The former would be a hell of a lot more reasonable than the later.

Personally I wouldn’t offer if I couldn’t do the same for all dgc, but I don’t think dgp’s can be blamed for not accounting for dgc who aren’t yet born. They have to make decisions on the now, not what may happen in the future.

My dm passed away unexpectedly. She opened savings accounts for 3 of her dgc. My dc have significantly more because they were born first and were the only dgc for 15 years. Two dgc don’t have an account as she didn’t have chance to open them before passing away. One has far less than the others as she paid in the same fixed sum each month to all of the accounts (it would have stopped at 18). If she had lived longer she would absolutely have done the same for all dgc, but she didn’t have chance. And given my siblings didn’t have children until their early forties, dm was under the impression that she likely wouldn’t have any more dgc, although she was obviously delighted when they came along. She loved spoiling her dgc, it brought her so much joy. Would it have been better for her not to give them anything just in case it may be unfair to dgc that might never materialise?

Also, this isn’t the situation in the op. Those gp’s have sufficient to fund all dgc. One parent refused help and seems to resent the one that accepted. They are perfectly within their rights to reject the support but it’s wrong to try and prevent the parents helping their other dgc.

I would not take on school fees unless I knew I had enough money to cover all these possibilities. So I am not wealthy enough to do it. But I would on a heartbeat if I were.

Up to the parents. One of my children has left school at 16 so I'm paying for his driving lessons and will buy him a car but other than that he will be a hell of a lot cheaper than my other child who wants to do a 5 year degree and there are other huge costs to help him get there for example tutoring etc. Both of them know my finances and what I pay for but neither of them are interested. I couldn't pay for multiple potential grandchildren's school fees but I would try and help where I could and keep it broadly equal depending on circumstances but it is never going to be exactly the same as needs are different.

Sorry but you're drip feeding. If the offer has always been there then I don't understand the issue. Take the 25% and stop caring so much about what your sibling thinks. Unfortunately to put this unkindly, beggars can't be choosers and there is always backlash in situations like this.
Unless your financial situation changes drastically though, I'd move the one that has 7 years left to state. The Y10 one state at y12. It'll only get more expensive.

Thing is, you may be in a different financial situation between grandchildren.

say you are working and can easily afford GC 1 and 2 fees, but then you become physically unwell/retire/can’t work/need care for GC 3 and 4, and can’t afford the fees.

or one of your children has a child later in life and your lump sum has gone on the older GC?

then what?

I totally disagree. The parents can allocate the same amount of money to each child, but count allocation to grandchildren separately.

If I can, I absolutely will pay my grandchildren's school fees. For them. It is not the business of any of my children. I will treat each grandchild fairly, as I would my children.

Now you're alluding you're only going to take 25%,, so what's the £64000 alluding too. Surely that's not 25%.There was I think one mention of 25% earlier on, but the OP and other posts talk about them paying the fees not paying part of. So which is it?

Just out of interest, what happens if GPs pay the full fees but GC choose odd subjects they don't agree with or flunk out? Will they want to see a ROI in terms of outcomes for DC? if so that's a lot of pressure!

So your sibling is not being crazy or spiteful, they have a point and if you'd posted honestly I expect the vote would have gone very differently. How about taking some personal responsibility for your actions and addmiting at least to yourself that there is some truth in your siblings concerns.

Must I in their 70S? Not necessarily. My eldest grandchild is 15 and I'm 52. My youngest grandchild ( so far) is 2 so he will be 20 by the time I hit 70

@pokebowls how are they treating their grandchildren the same when they didn't pay for private education for the OP's sibling's DC?

Better to use it like this than end up having to use it to pay care home fees later on!

Not sure about that, it’s quite nice to have a choice in my experience

They aren't. They are treating all their grandchildren the same

You say their child's school fees were not as high as your DC and therefore more affordable . Have you considered that perhaps they went with the schooling option they could afford at the time .

Unless your parents have recently acquired this wealth it seems odd that your sibling was not offered the same help towards school . Who knows they may have opted for a more expensive , prestigious school too .

I take it you would be concerned too if you thought your parents were being conned out of 3x school fees . That's a lot^ of money .^
^
To put it into perspective, my parents recently offered to pay towards some therapy for my disabled child . I declined as it made me uneasy to take money from my aging parents who have worked hard all their life .

Could your parents offer to pay for/towards a first property for the other grandchild ?^

Hundreds of thousands of pounds ‘won’t be missed’?!

leaving plenty for care needs and equivalent money for your sibling?

Personally I think the fairest thing would be to gratefully accept the school fees but then parents leave more of their estate to the other child (deduct the school fees basically)