Is my boyfriend being nasty?

but also see that it’s made him really nasty too.

No op, he was always nasty.
The examples you gave should be met with empathy, kindness and compassion.
I'm sorry op but he's not nice and it's not your fault.

Vile and showing true colours.

I don't think someone's very obvious mental health problems are justification for calling them a 'disgrace' and leaving them crying on a kerb. That's dehumanising behaviour.

I understand he might be at his limit with someone who needs help but there's a way to communicate that and this isn't it. This is abusive.

I think you should both do each other a massive favour and break up.

Marie Kondo him.

I think he's being unkind.

But I also don't think he's especially wrong?

Women constantly post on here about their male husbands or partners with mental health issues that they end up completely burnt out and feeling so low they can't see a way out. He is not responsible for your mental health issues, you are, and if you are taking things out on him, I don't blame him for being at the end of his rope and snapping. It sounds like he has in general been very supportive and loving.

I agree with others, I think you need time apart; you need to heal, and he probably also needs to repair the damage with some time apart.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I don't disagree per se with your post, but we're getting one side of the story here, from a woman with admittedly very poor mental health. Normally I'd completely advocate for taking what we have at face value, but in this case I think we have to be cognizant of the fact that OP's perspective might well be massively skewed, and it's very unfair to put the fault on her boyfriend under those circumstances. Especially considering the recent post that she didn't want anyone to read.

I remember your previous thread.

I don't think there's any point in having couples counselling until you've had some intensive therapy for yourself first.

From your other thread he didn't sound nasty at all, he just sounds driven to breaking point.

I think you need to let him go, you need to work on yourself and don't seem right for a relationship at this moment in time.

I think he's struggling too after reading your previous thread. I think the post about emotional flooding is really interesting.

I dont think he knows what to do. He could be scared and not feeling able to be full on supportive.

I know that doesn't help you. But I don't think this makes hima nasty person. But he's probably not feeling on top of things.

I hope you can get support to help you.

I’ve read both threads and I’m wondering op, are you autistic? The information about misunderstanding situations/communication, seeing things in ‘black and white’ like planning the holiday, meltdowns, self harm (thigh hitting) when dysregulated may mean that the two of you are simply ‘not getting each other’ regardless of the underlying cause. It doesn’t sound like he wants to engage in CT, he wants you to fully accept responsibility. It would be far healthier to separate and also gain a better understanding of yourself with therapy, from reading both threads.

I agree with him tbh - you don’t need couples counselling, you need individual help and urgently. Antidepressants would probably help.

I'm sorry, but reading your earlier posts too, he's not being unkind he's just at the end of his tether. He is right - you need to get help. He also needs to protect his own mental health so maybe he's distancing himself right now. Please do something to look after yourself. Your boyfriend's actions are not the problem here.

leaving me crying on a kerb while he walked off

He left you by the parked car, you could have just got in the car?

It doesn’t sound like you are right for eachother.

If the situation was reversed and the op was writing this about her boyfriend she would be told to dump him.

also a great post.
even though he was exhausted, the language he used makes me uneasy. And saying the holiday money should be spent on therapy for you could be twisted many ways in the near future. So it may not be the sign of a caring partner that it initially comes across as. I do think, as I said above, the mask maybe would have slipped earlier, tho? OP will have to think of his behaviour at other times of their relationship to paint a realistic picture.

how have things been since, OP?

Excellent post.
emotional flooding seems very apt.
Also, once I became familiar with the concept of “emotional flashback”, I understood my reactions in the present much better. I wasn’t reacting to the present, I was in a flashback without the visual aspect so couldn’t even identify that it was a flashback.

Also, perhaps do some reading around “emotional flooding” as it sounds like you might be experiencing this, it’s useful to recognise when it’s happening, and when you identify it, it can help to take yourself off to somewhere quiet and do something soothing to help you to calm down/regulate your emotions.

If you’re flooded then your brain and body are already at max capacity with emotions/thoughts/feelings, etc - there’s no space there to untangle anything or process new or external information (I.e. your partners opinion/reassurance, etc) into anything productive like a resolution. Once you’re a bit calmer and more rational it’s much easier to then work out which emotions/thoughts are of value and need to be followed up, and which ones were just a symptom of being a bit stressed and dysregulated.

If you read about it and it resonates, perhaps you could then speak to your partner about it, and have some code word or cue so that you can communicate to him when it’s happening and take the opportunity to go and self regulate. You do need to communicate it to him though, otherwise it might be viewed as running away or storming off, and he has feelings and emotions too.

You do have to start taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours though, your partner isn’t responsible for providing endless reassurance and accommodation for a situation that isn’t improving.

Rather than couples therapy, are you having individual therapy, on your own?

I’ve just read some of your previous post linked to by a PP. I think the reason that your partners reassurance never works, and that you’re so convinced everything is doomed is to do with your self esteem and relationship with yourself.

Instead of frantically seeking reassurance from your partner that everything is okay, you need to work on that inner resilience and confidence that says “even if things aren’t okay in this relationship, I will always be okay in the end”. You need a sense of inner safety and security, as you cannot make one external person responsible for all of your happiness and wellbeing.

“Even if he has gone off me, I will still be okay”.
“Even if he is busy, I will still be okay.
“Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, I will still be okay”.

Yeah not great pirate I've been sneezing and watching the soccer so not 100% .

need some rest and cold medicine from Tom

I can see where he is coming from after reading your other posts but that doesn’t mean he’s right to act like that either. If I’m honest, I think he would be much happier out of the relationship (most would have left long ago) and you should get some help so that things in the future are better for you.

Honestly? I don’t think you’re well enough to be in a relationship

Either way op i think a good thing to do right now is to go and visit a friend of your mum if she is a nice kind mum and just be looked after - he doesn't seem able to meet your needs right now I don't know if that's him being worn out with the arguments and lack of sleep or from being a general bad guy but you need to spend time with someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally over the next couple of days

'We just spoke about it and everything was ok. I then brought up one more thing that was bothering me in the car later (as he tells me to do), but he kicked off, saying it was “the wrong time” and that I never think of him and that I’m selfish.
He goes on to say “you were a fucking disgrace last night” when I’m at my mental rock bottom, he said he couldn’t bear to be around me and he left me sobbing next to the parked car whilst he “went on a walk”

im heartbroken 🙁 he’s been the most gentle person before now'

This is from your other thread.
Sorry but im going to have to maybe disagree with other pp. this reminds me so much of the narcissist cycle of idealize, devalue, discard - perhaps op is a codependent in a trauma bond with a narcissist! Just because some of these phrases from him - when IS the right time? I also don't like that he says 'you ALWAYS do this ' - I doubt that's entirely true and if he often talks to you like that no wonder
You're feeling hopeless and like you can't do anything right. I remember saying something like 'I can't get anything right' to my ex as he really made me feel like I was useless and got everything wrong. I can see why you said that. It could be that he's been trying too and just doesn't know what else to do.
Equally this is just one example - I know he's a human being too and he would have been exhausted.
I still think that individual therapy for you (and for him too) first is the best thing op not because I want to collude that 'you are the problem' but I think you need to spend time with someone who has time space and training to be dedicated to supporting you and this professional can help you work out if it's the relationship that's causing you such stress or not, and also whether it's a great guy that you're pushing away (which is what he seems to have convinced you) or if it's a guy that isn't meeting your needs and blames you and doesn't care about your feelings.

Oh gosh ! You only wrote your other thread yesterday.

I certainly don't think he is being unkind to you, he has suggested spending the holiday money on getting extra help for you - how kind of him !

And NO, no couples therapy.