His holiday

In a word yes.

Yes your priorities are different.
And yes, not that you asked, but it is too soon. No, you don't have to live together forever first, but 8 months is not enough to know someone well enough. If it was you wouldn't be in here asking the question and being told unequivocally that they are.

Listen to the words of wisdom!

Have a read of this thread
Affair and left penniless | Mumsnet
This could be you in the future - dump and get far far away from this ass whole

AFBSN
This

Everything above. In bold. And capitals. And a dozen exclamation marks.

I remember a previous post from @toomanyjellyfish where she said this about her ex:

For background, we were not married and we have one child together.

You've been dating the new bloke for 8 months and you want to move in to a rental together already, when you have a young child? Then buy a joint house with your money within a year?

You must be out of your mind.

Prioritise your child, not this asset-free bloke who priositises his sports holidays with mates.

Say goodbye to your £75K. You must be utterly blind.

75k

🫡🫡🫡🥴

I think you've explained it badly.

If you move in together rented for a year and have a joint account for bills which you each contribute a proportion of income to, I think that's a good idea. Do not touch the £75k.

Or you buy now and he rents from you as a tenant with an agreement. You have a joint account for the bills where a proportion of your respective salaries go.

In terms of his holiday, do I think he should go? Yes. Because I don't like you saying he can't spend his own money. It's his. He can do with it what he likes. If you don't like what he chooses to do with it, then YOU choose to walk away. But you laying down the law and saying he can't spend any income whilst you're trying to save and spend time with his mates, that's financial abuse in my opinion and a massive red flag about your relationship in general. Essentially, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

It's not so much the time frame but rather that you'll be contributing unequally. My DH and I bought a house together after 6 months together, had known him for 20 years at the time. He was a previous home owner, was financially stable with similar savings to me. At the time we had already discussed marriage. We both put down an equal deposit.

Had your DP owned a house before? What is his current living situation? How is he with money? Does he have any debts? Do you earn a similar salary?

Partyatnumberten the question was asking for perspective and asking ‘am I selfish?’

The answers are trying to give perspective and highlighting, essentially, that the OP is asking the wrong question and missing the big red flags. The guy might be fine and wonderful, but his priorities are very different from the OP’s and more caution is needed to protect OP’s future, child, and assets.

Team bat shit here - even with your update.

Wow - mumsnet formula
Make wild assumptions and accusations about ops partner, piss all over her future plans, call the op ' fucking stupid and don't get anywhere near the actual question.

He isn’t fucking trustworthy. He sees a good thing, which is you putting down 75k so he can have a roof over his head. Word to the wise I brought somewhere with a man and ring fenced my deposit. Problem is you still have to sell the fucking place to get it back and move on. It took us 19 months to sell. 19 months where he was living on my money and because he owned 15% I couldn’t chuck him out. You’d be an absolute fucking mug to combine finances with this guy.
He owns nothing so is no worse off if you buy somewhere yourself and then he moves in with you.

It’s not mumsnet formula, it’s common sense. Talking pooling finances with someone you’ve known 8 months is nuts, especially when you have a child that, quite frankly, I don’t feel this person should even have met more than a handful of times casually. You are clearly on different pathways and you are asking mumsnet what his intentions are, as he has no interest in using his holiday to spend time with you. Moving in with someone you’ve never even been on a long weekend with is mad. Different even when people get married quickly out of uni and are on an equal footing, but you have a different intention/pathway, more money, and a child. You can’t rush forward into a massively unequal situation that could be hugely damaging to the child involved. Just no.

The only mumsnet formula is ‘don’t be a mug’!

Too much too soon. It doesn't bode well if you're already disagreeing about him going on a trip with a friend after only 8 months. It sounds like you want different things.

We’ve been married 11 years , when we met I had a home with significant equity , we have subsequently moved twice and I have never added him to property - fortunate that my salary alone has been enough for mortgage. I have the equity protected as a declaration of trust and equity in this home if we divorced would be split 50/50 once I am repaid.

Can you afford to buy a home in just your name ?

Moving in together after a year is fine, but you treat the other like a flatmate (from a financial pov) for at least a couple of years: all commitments are split 50/50, including housework and maintenance.

You DEFINITELY don't set up a joint account with somebody you've known for less time than I've had some tins of soup in my larder...

Only then do you see if it's working and proceed accordingly.

You'd be insane to share finances with a person you've been with 8 months regardless of any America trips.

The post states they’re looking to buy next year

at which point they’ll have been together nearly 2 years

hardly drama inducing

Op, only you know how 'equal' this relationship is, in terms of what you each bring to it. Wanting a holiday on his own so early in your relationship is not necessarily a problem, unless you are financing absolutely everything else.

Dh and I have been together nearly 23 years. We still have separate current accounts, but we have one joint savings account. My advice to you would be not to combine finances. Work out what your respective incomings are, split bills according to a ratio (if he earns a third more than you, he pays a third more towards bills - you each agree to take a personal allowance per week/ month and then put the rest into joint savings. You only draw on that for joint items). And please make sure you have official arrangements drawn up (having obtained legal advice) that protect your stake in your house. If he objects to any of this, that's a red flag, run for the hills. If he agrees, your relationship will develop and become more equitable financially as you both progress.

My advice though (which many here on numsnet may disagree with) is to maintain some financial independence, even if/ when you eventually marry. That doesn't mean prenups, it just means be sensible about the number of loans you each take out for joint expenditure and ensure you both continue to contribute equitably (according to your respective incomes) to your joint savings.

I agree.

This is also an extremely good suggestion OP to discuss…

1. he can have a full tenancy so has protection against you throwing him out on a whim at short notice.
2. pyou can earn up to £6k TAXFREE Income form renting a room in your home . That’s income you can save or help offset your mortgage
3. you could decide, if you are planning future togther, thst you charge him a lesser rent than commercial viable, and that he uses this to save for his own deposit so that in say, 3-4 years down the road, you can buy togther
4. it helps ensure you really do get to know each other if you are insistent that marriage is not necessary (which as I said earlier makes you quite silly but there you go!)

Not enough people think of this a potential option. You need a proper tenancy drawn up so you have rights to evict if needed, and that he cannot make claims on house. You have to be careful with allowing him to pay for things in house or do work as again could give him claims. But as temporary first step, where deposits are so very uneven, ithis is great safe option giving you the home you want and both of you living togther

think on it seriously

Not sure why people are going bat shit over this

you plan on moving in together this year

And buying somewhere next year, so 2 years after getting together - not unreasonable