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AIBU?

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Original poster

To lose my temper at MIL

140 replies

SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 10:45

A while ago, we decided to give MIL the benefit of the doubt. She helped us out with IVF and has been trying her best to be nice after years of being rude, offensive, and judgmental towards me.

We've welcomed her into our home and she enjoys her new granddaughter.

Last time she visited at Christmas, she voiced her "concerns" that I was still breastfeeding my DD who was 13 months old, saying that there is no nutritional value and that cow's milk is better. This went on for half an hour and instead of getting angry, we calmly explained how she was wrong and milk has health benefits for 2 years and more if both mother and baby are still happy to do it. This was while she was sat right next to me as I was nursing.

Other things happened during that 3 day visit too, but I held myself in check to be nice. But I was very glad when she left.

Fast foward to last night and MIL phoned to say hi. DH had the phone on loudspeaker as he was cooking and he whispered "shall I tell her?" And i whispered back, "ok what's the worst she can say?"

So DH told MIL that I'd just had a miscarriage.

Well, I did say what's the worst she could say, didn't I?

The first thing out of her mouth was "oh no! Well you know it probably happened because OP is STILL breastfeeding".

I lost it at that point and told her that her comments were rude, offensive and wrong.

She said she was just being "dispassionate" about it.

I said we never asked for her to be dispassionate, we told her because she is interested in our lives and thought she would be sympathetic. Not blame me for my own miscarriage because I'm still breastfeeding!

After another half an hour on the phone, she finally backed down and apologised.

I'm typing on my phone so I can't open a poll, sorry!

AIBU to grey rock her from now on

Or should I have known better and expected her to say something awful, therefore it isn't her fault?

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 25/02/2024 14:22

She once called her own nipples "two extra clitorises". So she actually thinks that breastfeeding is sexually pleasurable.

Fuck me, you have one creepy mil.

And even if you thought that, would you ever ever say that to family members TMI x 1000.

cerisepanther73 · 25/02/2024 14:10

@SwordToFlamethrower
Its interesting how 🤔 people like your mother in law allways describe themselves as just being honest and straight to the point blunt,

But can never cope with
if someone is as brutal honest straight with them at all,

they often expect people around them whoever they are co workers friends especially their family to live on eggshells to be extremely senistive to their feelings and wants,
It's like a emotional minefield ...

BlueFlint · 25/02/2024 13:46

Absolutely not unreasonable to lose your temper (she's an idiot and insensitive to boot). Regardless of whether she believed that to be true, the only correct response is of course "oh gosh I'm so sorry, how are you both doing?".

She sounds like a nightmare, I'd probably stop sharing intimate details of your life.

potato57 · 25/02/2024 13:42

I would never tell her anything again. I'd be polite as needed, but I certainly wouldn't be making any effort with the relationship. What a cow.

NotThisAgainSeriously · 25/02/2024 13:38

*strong points, not wrong points!

NotThisAgainSeriously · 25/02/2024 13:37

What she said was likely incorrect (based on the debate raging on this thread) but certainly very insensitive. I’m glad she eventually apologized but I would limit how much you share with her (sensitivity and tact are clearly not her wrong points), when you share it (if it’s too soon/still raw wait until you’ve processed it yourself) and how you share it (some things are best said in-person or text for example). I’m sorry for your loss x

StaunchMomma · 25/02/2024 13:34

Christ, what a bitch!

She sounds like mine - absolutely right at all costs and will defend her 1970's methods to the end!

So frustrating and, in this case, cruel.

I wouldn't blame you for going NC with her in the slightest.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

CatamaranViper · 25/02/2024 13:34

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I'm just going to assume that this poster is trying to rationalise being heartless and nasty to a grieving mother.

TwoWithCurls · 25/02/2024 13:33

I think your husband has to have a word, and tell her she is never to comment on ANY of your parenting choices ever again, and is she can't keep to that, then she can't be a part of your lives.

CountFucula · 25/02/2024 13:31

Maybe you could continue your excellent internet ‘research’ and look into what the word ‘kindly’ means and how it doesn’t apply to you @Dancingtuna

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 13:29

@dancingtuna - are you my mother in law?

OP posts:
Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 13:27

cerisepanther73 · 25/02/2024 13:19

@SwordToFlamethrower

Mother in law not quite right in the head 😕

I 🤔 think she is losing her marbles grip on reality

She has always been like this sadly! Just my luck to meet a fantastic man and have a nightmare mother in law!

She is Dutch, which she says means she is blunt and honest. I think she is tactless, rude, and judgmental. Being honest isn't an excuse to hurt people. It's a choice to be hurtful.

OP posts:
Dancingtuna · 25/02/2024 13:26

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Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 13:24

pinkyredrose · 25/02/2024 12:41

Hope you're ok OP. Don't tell her anything of a sensitive nature again, she's obviously mega judgmental and nasty with it.

We've been no-contact with her in the past and we have also been low contact.

After she helped us with IVF, we were very thankful, and we used her suggestion for a name for dd middle name as thanks, and we fully let her back into our lives.

But it has started to become a bit of a disaster again.

I can go low contact, but doing so means she won't be seeing much of DD as I won't be happy for her to visit.

I think the best option is grey rocking, really.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 25/02/2024 13:22

Imo anyone who ever blames a grieving mother for a miscarriage (unless she did something intentional to cause said miscarriage...even then there are exceptions) is a heartless, evil person.

cerisepanther73 · 25/02/2024 13:19

@SwordToFlamethrower

Mother in law not quite right in the head 😕

I 🤔 think she is losing her marbles grip on reality

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 13:18

Dancingtuna · 25/02/2024 12:11

I’d not say it but I’d think it Confused

As would anyone with common sense

Show quote history

With friends like you, who needs enemies. Have you got nothing better to do today than troll a post pertaining to miscarriage?

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 25/02/2024 13:15

Dancingtuna · 25/02/2024 12:11

I’d not say it but I’d think it Confused

As would anyone with common sense

Show quote history

Why wouldn't you say it? You're happy repeatedly saying it to OP

hot2trotter · 25/02/2024 13:15

Why are you giving this nasty witch the time of day? I can't get my head around people who have any kind of relationship with someone who treats them like utter shit - family or not. Ditch her from your life, you'll feel much better for it.

ttcat37 · 25/02/2024 13:10

I’d be cutting her out completely. No chance would I want someone that toxic around my child. Fucking hell can you imagine the shit your daughter could absorb from her.

wronginalltherightways · 25/02/2024 12:52

She sounds awful.

What does your OP make of her comments and attitudes towards women and breastfeeding?

whynotwhatknot · 25/02/2024 12:52

regardless of statistics etc she was downright hurtful and rude theres no need to say anyting except im so sorry for your loss

ignore certains posters tey just want attention

dapsnotplimsolls · 25/02/2024 12:49

What does your DH think?

Ponoka7 · 25/02/2024 12:49

Dancingtuna · 25/02/2024 11:44

Again, why are you determined to ignore basic facts of biology?

Show quote history

There would have to be a lot of cross cultural research. Women in the western world have more miscarriages, environmental issues are also coming up high as causes. Miscarriage rates are often found to be higher in deprived areas, were bf rates are low. So the MILs use of the word "probably" was incorrect. Research doesn't bare out the reason to think it either. I've took an interest in the research when younger because I had miscarriages. I was also from first and second generation immigrants, were BF and babies yearly was the norm.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/02/2024 12:43

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Yes, and the extensive research indicates that exclusive breastfeeding may be correlated with miscarriage. That is not even clear as there are meta analyses that show a correlation and others that show no correlation. However, in the case of doubt, it is better to err on the side of caution and advise women to wait until they are no longer EBF to attempt to conceive. There does not appear to be any research that I could find (I searched on Google scholar so only peer reviewed articles) that shows a correlation between mixed feeding and miscarriage.

BTW, your use of insults really doesn't help your argument.

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