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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:12

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

She's having treatment for the cancer what more do you want her to do?? I think she would consider ensuring her DS is ok a good use of her very limited energy.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 24/02/2024 12:10

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 08:54

Given the wee boy is in foster care I'd say you all have more serious things to worry about than policing gender normative clothing. FFS.

the mothers parental rights are very much the point and the foster carer is very much overstepping her boundaries.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:08

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:01

Honestly if anyone thinks a four year old needs to conform to a stereotype of boy and girl they have serious issues they need to address. There is nothing wrong with a boy wearing tights ffs.

You've missed the point.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 24/02/2024 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The mother is UNWELL. Not all kids are in foster care because their parents are deadbeats. Most in fact are not.

Manopadmanaban · 24/02/2024 12:07

Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:17

Exactly!

WTF is wrong with people?!

Utter compassion and empathy bypass, as well as a metric fuck ton of ignorance and lack of common sense.

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Lack of comprehension skills as well by the look of it.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 12:07

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:00

Let's hope and pray his mother gets the all clear after she finishes chemo. I do hope the FC isn't a narcissist.

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Raise your concerns with the social worker OP and let them deal with it. If things don’t change then raise your concerns again. In writing.

Lucytheloose · 24/02/2024 12:07

You seem very over-invested in what someone else's child wears. And no, it won't turn him gay.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:07

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 09:59

Exactly, the social worker has asked the FC to stop as well so they really should. No excuse for unnecessarily upsetting the bio parents.

OP, i used to work in social services and the only thing I’d advise them to do is go back to the supervising social worker about this. It may not be the end of the world in itself, but if it’s indicative of a wider pattern it suggests the FC is a bit into pushing boundaries and overstepping.

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Unfortunately, she often over steps but his mum tries to ignore it to keep the peace. It does upset her, though.

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 24/02/2024 12:06

@SENDhelp2023 well done you, what an excellent suggestion! Why ever did nobody else think of that?? 🙄

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:05

VampireWeekday · 24/02/2024 09:58

I would really really resist the narrative that female coded clothes are "undignified". Just because something is traditionally worn by women doesn't make it lesser. My 4 year old boy wears tights under trousers when it's cold, we call them thermals or leggings. There isn't anything undignified about it.

That said, if he's too warm he shouldn't be in them.

I think there isn't enough information to go on here. You need to find out why your family member is doing this, or it's all just speculation.

It's nothing to do with female clothes being inherently 'undignified' or lesser. It is about a little boy.

And I don't follow your point about speculation, tbh. Yes, there has been some speculation but there has been mainly facts.

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:04

SENDhelp2023 · 24/02/2024 12:03

Why don’t you look after him if mum is ill? No problem then

How?

SENDhelp2023 · 24/02/2024 12:03

Why don’t you look after him if mum is ill? No problem then

Manopadmanaban · 24/02/2024 12:00

lovelysoap · 24/02/2024 10:08

I think mum is focusing on the tights issue to avoid the real issue. Children are only taken into foster care as a very last resort. There is a huge lack of foster care spaces and they only go to the children most at risk of immediate serious harm and when there are no other suitable family members who are even able to care for the child on a temporary basis. Things generally need to be rock bottom for a child to be in foster care and not even dad or any of dads extended family or friends can care for the child. Parental responsibility now lies with the local authority as Mum and dad and no friends or relatives can keep this child safe.

i think that it is understandable that the family will focus on a small issue about the foster carer which is easier than facing up tot he very difficult reality that they cant keep a child safe despite social workers trying to work with them to keep the child safe for a long time.

The focus needs to be the needs of the child and getting home into a proper place where he can be safe and his needs can be attended to not some red herring like tights.

My advice would be to face up to and try and engage and work with the FC and SW on the real issues that prevent this child living and thriving with his birth family.

Do people have comprehension issues on mumsnet? English lessons must have been bad at school!

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 12:00

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:53

Are you seriously criticising another poster for buying “boys tights” when your issue is that they are for girls?!

SMH.

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My issue is not 'they are for girls'. However said poster was very sure that tights were not only for girls but buys special 'boy tights' which just seems a contradiction to me.

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 12:00

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

Let's hope and pray his mother gets the all clear after she finishes chemo. I do hope the FC isn't a narcissist.

PurpleBugz · 24/02/2024 11:59

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

He's not well cared for though. He's a non verbal child being dressed in clothing that he finds uncomfortable/distressing. If he's got sensory issues which is highly comorbid with being non verbal this could feel like torture for him. Clothing is a massive issue for many SEND kids.

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 11:58

@TathingScinsel It's fascinating! I'm in my 50's, when we mostly just muddled through, without assessment or diagnosis, but especially without signposting to resources. I'm used to 'just being wired a bit differently' and leaving it at that. I forget there's a whole world opening up which may be relevant to parts of me which I've seen as oddities. Home🏕️.

(I like the gentle natural stretch of pure knitted merino, all over, all the time. Even in summer, for one glorious year when I was able to spend a small fortune on gossamer light merino-silk. Absolutely no lycra or artificial stretch. Nor denim, ever. It's all very specific :D

Hard to remember the detail of how it felt as a child, becoming aware that some things made me feel good and others bad, gravitating towards the good things, trying to avoid the bad things, navigating how to express that, and it slowly crystallising into a definite accepted preference.

Sometimes I wish we could hold on to the steps of our childhood awareness forming so as to better understand as parents and carers.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 24/02/2024 11:57

Whatdoido1987 · 24/02/2024 11:50

Is BM perhaps picking at small things because she's lost control over her own child? I think this is a lot of upset over a 4 year old wearing an extra layer. It's obviously an upsetting situation and it was be hard having somebody else calling the shots but hopefully when she's well DC will be back home ASAP x

Press see all you can read all the ops posts and then post. It's a quick way of understanding fully the situation and doesn't make you look judgemental.

Judgement should not be given in these circumstances. The mother has cancer so she is unwell to look after him. Chemo takes a lot out of the person it weakens them.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 24/02/2024 11:56

No this is about a mother losing control of everything because she's unlucky enough to be ill and have zero back up! (No offence intended OP) Honestly this thread is making my blood boil.

I cannot imagine the absolute hell of being ill and frightened and having to hand over my non verbal child to a stranger who won't listen. His mother isn't abusive, she's not controlling, she hasn't had him taken away she's asked for help because she had ZERO choice. What other people did with their children was their choice, why isn't she still allowed to have her choices listened to just because she's unwell.

JaneAustensHeroine · 24/02/2024 11:56

Pick your battles.

He is safe and well cared for.

Thank goodness for foster carers who are often handling difficult and complex situations. Be grateful for them.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:56

GanninHyem · 24/02/2024 09:48

Does mum have Comms with nursery? It seems very strange you're both aware he is hot all day or they take his tights off but they're not communicating this with the FC?

I've not said they're not communicating with the FC. But if she doesn't listen to the DC's own mum and his SW, why would she listen to nursery?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:53

Northernnight · 24/02/2024 09:42

Tights under trousers is so uncomfortable and restrictive. In 10°C what on earth is she thinking.

This thread seems to have become derailed by the “I love boys in tights” crew which isn’t the issue

The issue is that the boy is hot and uncomfortable due the the FC choices, and the mother who is going through a difficult time already is upset that her boy is uncomfortable and hot.

PP, it doesn’t matter that you dress your boys in tights (crack on) it doesn’t matter that this is commonplace in freezing temperatures, it matters that this is something that the mother wouldn’t do in mild weather, and that the FC is going against the mothers wishes, UNNECESSARILY

Spot on

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 24/02/2024 11:52

@TotoroElla I am so sorry that you seem to have attracted the mumsnet bitches to your thread. They are so keen to jump on with their judgy, nasty responses that they don't bother to read past the first paragraph. They just end up making themselves look stupid though.

I really hope your sister makes a full recovery and her little boy can be back home where he belongs as soon as possible.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:52

Onlinetherapist · 24/02/2024 09:39

@TotoroElla look at the bigger picture here..

What's that then?

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 11:50

MamaDollyorJesus · 24/02/2024 09:34

My DS often wore tights his sisters hand me downs under his joggers if it was cold. My brothers (ages 41-47) wore tights under their trousers if it was cold when we were young & DGS wears them if it's cold so it's been common for a long long time in our as working class as it gets (old mining village) area.

It's currently 2° where I am so I'd be putting tights on DS if we were planning to go anywhere - except he's 16 now so not a chance in Hell I'd get tights on him these days.

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Made me laugh 😂 I think that's the difference - it's not usual here as not cold enough.

OP posts: