To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

I really don't understand how someone who has cancer can have the headspace to think about non-matching clothes.

Sometimes you try to control the only things you have control over, and you try to keep a sense of normal in very abnormal circumstances. You don’t stop being a mum even with a cancer diagnosis and even when your child can’t live with you. I can completely understand why a mum might feel upset or anxious that her child wasn’t being dressed in a way she would want while she was unable to care for him.

So many deliberately goady shit-stirrers on this thread.

OP, you're advocating on behalf of your sister and are doing it in your nephew's best interest. It must really be a comfort for her to know she has you for support.

Hang in there and I hope it all goes well.

My ex used to wear them under work trousers if working outside. It's to keep them warmer over winter. Is the child happy to be wearing them? I could understand if their going to the park or going to be outdoors all day over winter. She might be doing it to reduce her heating costs as well.

Perhaps you are not able to ascertain that I answered the OP, in that message asking for suggestions cancer treatment was not mentioned. Feel free to continue the reactionary condescension elsewhere, thanks.

I haven't been able to read the whole thread so sorry if this had already been covered.

I am a FC, my best advice to you would be to send an email so you have a paper trail to the CSW asking why the FC seems to insist on the child being in tights and your concerns. If you deem the response to be unacceptable then ask the CSW to explain to the foster child the BM wishes for the tights to not be used anymore -again in writing. If this doesn't stop, email the CSW manager and explain everything thats happened. If you get no further then the next stop would be to contact the IRO. Just make sure you have a paper trail. Everybody working/ part of social services needs a paper trail to back yourselves up. Or you may even get an answer you understand but I think not knowing why she's doing this is what's causing an issue.

Unless there is a really valid reason they are putting tights on under his trousers, the FC should be taking mums wishes into account. It helps build a good relationship between BM and FC, which is only a good thing for the child.

To me it seems a bit strange if he's not cold and uses vests that keep his nappy up anyway that he would be wearing tights. Personally I don't think it's undignified, just unnecessary from the comments you've made as he seems too hot. It's not a difficult thing to change, even if the offer is just of a compromise to not put him in them on contact days.

Good luck

JFC take a break. How would you know what the child needs?!!!!!

As a fostering social worker, I'm deeply aware of that, I was trying to establish with the OP if there was any alternative care options if the foster carer continues to add further stress to the mother going through a very difficult time.

There’s some people on this thread who have strong opinions but clearly no idea of this child’s legal right to dignity. His dignity is not just about what he’s wearing or dressing in ‘girls’ clothes, it’s about feeling comfortable, safe and secure. He can’t vocalise this but his rights are no less relevant. I’ve seen amazing foster carers in my job, going above and beyond, but sadly in any job, that’s not always the case. Let’s be clear, the carers are paid to deliver a service on behalf of the LA. Yes it must be challenging at times and all respect to carers for that. But there’s a duty there and it can’t be ignored.
if it helps, article 23 rights of the child is relevant here.
https://www.unicef.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/UNCRC_summary-1_1.pdf

It could be a sensory thing and may provide a compression feeling which some like. I agree with PP if social worker has requested not dressing in tights I'd expect that to be respected but why is the mother focusing on criticising the foster carer instead of making the changes needed. Seems odd and sad too. Hope things improve soon.

And I have definitely taken that from this thread instead of asking her not to do it we first need to find out why she is!

I think this a positive way of moving forward. Also to note that alongside all the knowing of his Mum, and you, and the nursery, that the only person who knows what it is to care for the boy right now, away from home, in these exceptional circumstances, is his foster carer. That is also its own unique thing, worthy of respect. You're all having different experiences with him, and you all have different things to contribute. Together you make a team. Absolutely, safeguard, but do allow for diversity.

Playing devil's advocate here, but does the FC have other children of her own who will use these tights later on.

Sorry to hear about your family's troubles. Hope everyone makes good progress and things will get better soon.

I am a foster carer and I think the fc in this instance needs to respect the parents wishes as much as possible.

most parents will complain about clothing and hair styles when their children are living with a foster carer. This is a natural response to losing their child and their rights (even though they may not have lost parental rights it’s a minefield for everyone).

even if I believed the child should wear tights (maybe a cultural thing going on here) I would not dress a child in a way that causes unhappiness to the parent. Being friendly, respectful and kind is always the way I try to go.

I have had instances where I can’t dress the child as the parents insist and this has caused a lot of distress and distrust all around. It is so important that the carer understands and empathises with the parent as much as possible. I try to have a collaborative approach wherever possible. This is also what the child needs. They need to feel that mum is still very much there and cares and is involved. Otherwise they suffer more as in an acrimonious environment.

I really don't understand how someone who has cancer can have the headspace to think about non-matching clothes.

This in bucketfuls! The best FCs I have worked with managed to foster a family of 4 siblings who had had what can only be described as a feral start in life, nurtured them in such a positive way that all 4 siblings as adults still choose to live with / nearby the FCs and consider them their parents. On the other hand, I have had to attend safeguarding CP conferences where the FC decided to employ what can only be considered to be abusive punishments when the child ‘misbehaved’, including making them stand in the corner facing the wall for hours, depriving them of meals if they didn’t eat their previous meal and so on.

It must be terribly hard on your sister, but this illustrates the point really.

The FC presumably has a few kids to look after. You have to assume she’s doing her best. If she thinks he’s chilly and needs tights then when he is in her care it is her call. It’s not for the SW to get involved in basic care, and her comment that it’s undignified is silly.

I can imagine you are also distressed OP, but the best thing you can do for everyone, including your sister and nephew is defuse the situation. It is simply not a big deal.