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Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Firecarrier · 23/02/2024 23:38

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You clearly aren't a Foster carer and it's a good job with a judgmental attitude like that.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:38

PurBal · 23/02/2024 23:23

I can’t see any reason for this at all. Has the child said he’s cold? My DS refuses to wear a jumper or coat if he doesn’t need it “I’ll be too hot mummy” and he’s not yet 3.

He's not able to say so. But he's not a cold child and gets red blotches when hot and also gets upset.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 23/02/2024 23:37

The SW claiming it's undignified? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. If he doesn't like them then can't he use his words? If he doesn't mind then what's the problem. In warm weather I'd imagine they wouldn't be necessary and he will surely be able to choose what he wears to an extent?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/02/2024 23:37

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Firecarrier · 23/02/2024 23:36

Of course it is weird and not right for every day wear fir a 4 year old boy. I don't care who that offends.

This is mumsnet so you will get all sorts telling you they do it. In a working class area you would NEVER see this.

I am a Foster carer, she is being extremely innapropriate and unfeeling towards the mother.

I have always considered the parents feelings by making them feel as involved as possible in decisions like this even if they don't directly ask me.

He is NOT her son, she needs to remember that!

I have always had fantastic relationships with the birth families. I cannot believe she is ignoring the SW.

Slanabhaile · 23/02/2024 23:36

I don't see that you've said HE'S uncomfortable. Just that you and BM don't want him in tights in case kids make fun.
How does the child feel about wearing tights? I agree with PP, it would be a tough job to get tights onto an unwilling 4yr old.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:36

It doesn't really matter why he is in FC but mum is unwell.

OP posts:
shoppingshamed · 23/02/2024 23:35

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:33

He has SEN so not able to fully protest or take them off. He is clearly uncomfortable and hot so mum has to take them off. The SW says it isn't respecting his dignity either - I think being that he can't express that he doesn't like them himself. Also surely if his mum has asked you not to put tights on him you would respect that? She sees him hot and uncomfortable in them and it is hard enough not having him living with her at the moment and then to have the FC not listening about this.

Show quote history

What does the foster cater say when asked not to do this? She/he is the only one who can explain the reasoning

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:35

Esse1234 · 23/02/2024 23:23

Kids aged 4 at nursery don't tend to notice what other kids are wearing and make fun of them, at school girls might wear vest/shirt/tunic/jumper and they are inside all of the time and don't get too hot. Why is he in foster care?

Well yes, girls usually wear tights under a skirt or dress. But he has tights and then trousers on top.

OP posts:
Pearlyclouds · 23/02/2024 23:34

I put tights on my boy under trousers at nursery in the winters.. I think a lot of people do.
Nursery children under the age of 3 will not be making fun of each other they do not know what is 'culturally girls clothing' at that age.
If you think he's getting too hot that's a legitimate concern however I'm afraid if someone else is looking after him they may have different ideas of when it's too hot or cold and really they do have a right to make those choices just as any caregiver would. Not sure theres much you can do except say 'dont you think its too warm for that?' But if they disagree and think its cold.. well thats that i guess. People have this issue when parents are seperated... one parent puts the child in a coat and jumper.. the other wouldnt do that, they think its not cold enough etc end of the day theres not much you can do because that other person has parental responsibility when the childs in their care so get to maje decisions about whether they think the child might get cold or not whilst the child is in their care

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:33

ZebraPensAreLife · 23/02/2024 23:16

Presumably if he’s 4 and doesn’t like the tights / feels too hot in them he’d just take them off?

I don’t know anyone who could get tights on a protesting 4 year old in the first place! So if he’s happy with them, and they aren’t completely inappropriate, then what’s the problem?

He has SEN so not able to fully protest or take them off. He is clearly uncomfortable and hot so mum has to take them off. The SW says it isn't respecting his dignity either - I think being that he can't express that he doesn't like them himself. Also surely if his mum has asked you not to put tights on him you would respect that? She sees him hot and uncomfortable in them and it is hard enough not having him living with her at the moment and then to have the FC not listening about this.

OP posts:
SecondHandFurniture · 23/02/2024 23:30

That is odd. Mine has thermal leggings but that's for rugby and they don't have feet attached.

I don't think it's on when the foster carer has been asked to stop by the SW.

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2024 23:28

Are there toileting issues?

Mooda · 23/02/2024 23:27

Weird answers. Tights under trousers uncomfortable and almost always unnecessary in this country except maybe during rare cold snaps. Certainly not appropriate at the moment. YANBU. Will SW make this clear to FC?

Original poster
TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:27

ArrrMeHearties · 23/02/2024 23:15

I put my 9mo in tights under his trousers or baby grow unless he's going to bed. If 4yo doesn't like them then fair enough don't wear them but if he doesn't like socks or is cold then tights can keep him warmer. If they are dark colours then you wouldnt necessarily think girls clothes

Honestly, at 9 months, it's a bit different. The other babies at nursery aren't really going to say anything are they? 😂 Is your house cold - is that why you put them on? He's fine with socks and is not cold. I'd not put them on a girl under trousers - it's too warm for that. He had bright red ones on. Not sure if that makes them more girly or not really. I put my DD in a mix of colours. It's not that there's anything wrong per second putting tights on a boy. And I have known some to put them on boy babies in very cold weather. But mum has asked her not to and so has the SW.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/02/2024 23:27

My grandsons wore tights with characters on their bum. They looked cute. Lots of baby boys wear tights. Also my teen wears leggings which are surely similar to tights. You are getting too hung up about girls clothes and boys clothes.

Spinet · 23/02/2024 23:26

I don't agree that it's undignified to put a toddler in tights. Keeps them warm. I would imagine that your relative is focusing on this because she would rather the kid wasn't in foster care and would do better to use that energy concentrating on doing whatever it is she needs to to have him live with her again. I'm sure it's hard for her.

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2024 23:26

So you mean like school wooly tights or leggings?

Esse1234 · 23/02/2024 23:26

Nursery staff are trained to deal with making sure kids are appropriately dressed for the temperature anyway. How does mum know he was too hot at nursery anyway if he's in foster care?

Grammarmum · 23/02/2024 23:26

Esse1234 · 23/02/2024 23:23

Kids aged 4 at nursery don't tend to notice what other kids are wearing and make fun of them, at school girls might wear vest/shirt/tunic/jumper and they are inside all of the time and don't get too hot. Why is he in foster care?

Him being in foster care is irrelevant. If the child is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to wear them ,then he shouldn’t be forced to wear them.

NuffSaidSam · 23/02/2024 23:25

It must be because she thinks he's cold. No other reason for it. She's not putting them on him for a laugh is she.

I've often put tights on boys when it's been cold. It's completely normal.

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2024 23:24

How do the kids at nursery know if they are under trousers

PurBal · 23/02/2024 23:23

I can’t see any reason for this at all. Has the child said he’s cold? My DS refuses to wear a jumper or coat if he doesn’t need it “I’ll be too hot mummy” and he’s not yet 3.

Esse1234 · 23/02/2024 23:23

Kids aged 4 at nursery don't tend to notice what other kids are wearing and make fun of them, at school girls might wear vest/shirt/tunic/jumper and they are inside all of the time and don't get too hot. Why is he in foster care?

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