To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

Sorry, quoted the wrong poster there, meant to quote the awful judgemental post.

This is horrible and judgemental and the reason why FC is still seen as shameful. Attitudes like this put people off seeking help.
Good for you OP, if you've never been homeless, never had MH issues, been trying to escape abuse or been so physically unwell that you couldn't look after yourself let alone your child.

Four year olds don’t make fun of each other for what they are wearing. If the nursery staff think he’s too hot they will remove them like they would a jumper.

There is obviously something else going on here, do you think he’s going to turn into a girl by wearing them?

it’s common to do this for boys under trousers. They must be worried it’s cold. I’d go for he felt too hot inside rather than focussing on the tights. Is his nursery cold inside with a door to outside always opening and closing or does he spend much of the day outside?

FC needs to respect parental wishes (barring parents actually requesting something unsafe or whatever).

Personally I have no issues with boys wearing tights in whatever context but it does seem an odd choice in the mild weather we’ve been having to layer him up.

Did you choose to ignore the part where mum is unwell and the child has SEND?

Foster care isn't a punishment. It's a supportive system for home away from home when families can't care for their child.

OP I think you need to move from the culturally girls bit. The mum and SW who know child best have said to stop. The FC should stop.

Do you mean leggings? I put my son in leggings, they're much more comfy and flexible than boys pants. They're also warmer and cheaper.

@TotoroElla when you said he kept taking his socks off, I wondered if he was SEN.

Bless him. The FM needs to listen to the SW and his mum. A child overheating is a risk esp when they can't express they're too hot.

It's not about male/female - I never put my DS into tights cos I didnt think to cos you can buy weather appropriate clothes - it's about his wellbeing, so when conversations happen, be clearer that it's his wellbeing not a boy/girl thing and if she still doesn't stop it, ask for a justification.

if he’s sen the tights could be causing a sensory issues as well. My eldest has sensory issues and would rather be a bit cold than were something like tights next to the skin. To keep a child like this warm you can use a fleece lined puddle suit if they’re walking or a blanket in the pushchair

To posters saying other children won’t notice, at 4 there are definitely children who will notice differences and point them out.

The foster mother should be taking notice of the social worker

Does the foster carer have TransGender issues?

Tight are fine for boys. 🙄

In the real world (not mumsnet world) boys don’t wear tights and whilst I don’t think nursery kids would tease him or necessarily notice, I do think she’s wrong to keep putting him in them when she’s been asked not to.

Some of the comments on here making assumptions about why this child is in foster care are disgusting. Do people not realise that there are others reasons children go into temporary foster care, not just because of poor parenting. I do hope mum is as well as she can be, assume she’s in treatment, it must be so hard for her having to hand over responsibility for parenting her son without this situation which is clearly upsetting her. FC is wrong to ignore her wishes

@TotoroElla I'm sorry to hear about your sister, this must be all shades of stressful for you all.
My mum had cancer when I was little and I lived with various people until she was better, I can't imagine how upsetting this is for her, end of the day, if she doesn't want her child wearing a red t shirt, as his mum that is her choice.

I have looked after children of family/pals over the years as emergency FC and had an SGO and can't imagine going against the children's parents wishes in this way.

I was wondering because of SEN (I have 2 sen sons) if the wee boy is distressed being somewhere new away from mum are the tights to stop him smearing? Very common sen behaviour, often see smearers in leopards or something else to make getting access to smear more difficult? That's the only reason I can think of.

Either way, such a horrid situation and I hope, as my mum did, your sister makes a full recovery x

YANBU. He's not a toddler - he's 4. It really isn't usual - I worked with families for 12 years - saw them at home, in nursery, in schiool, and other settings. Never once in that time, have I known a boy be put in tights. He's SEN, and OP states he can't make his preferences / discomfort known. 4 year olds absolutely DO notice and comment on clothing. Sports leggings and everyday tights are not the same thing at all. Teens make their own choices about what to wear - this little one lacks capacity to do so. He is likely too hot, running around nursery. There are 3 layers to pull down if he needs a wee - not great if he is struggling with toilet training ( fairly likely
if he has additional needs). I have never known a foster carer completely ignore a mother's feelings like this. It is bizarre that she is also ignoring the Social Worker. This needs to be addressed at his next review meeting.

Did you notice if the FC seems to dress particularly warmly or snugly herself?
I've noticed with some 'always freezing' people that I know that they are always overdressing their kids, even small babies despite all of the warnings that are constantly given about overheating.
Also as the kids get older and complain about being too hot they ignore the protests and overdress them despite them clearly being sweaty and uncomfortable.

It was this temp here yesterday but somehow absolutely biting in the wind.

My DD wears tights most days as socks don’t last a minute. She pulls them straight off and her feet then feel like ice. Surely it’s purely that he’s been cold on occasion? I’d be glad they are keeping him warm.

I don’t have a son but if I did, I’d definitely put him in tights when a baby if anything like my DD and this would even be with shorts (eg like the royal babies), and encourage a layer like thick leggings under loose trousers when older. Some babies in my DD’s baby group wear a full babygrow under something like a full length romper so the foster parent isn’t the only one doing things like this tbh.

The issue of tights being gendered to you is irrelevant as they’re not on show in your nephew’s case. I would argue tights can be worn by boys albeit rarely are as in my example above.

I used to teach primary in west London and when changing for PE in the winter would find that several of the boys were wearing tights under their trousers in y1 and y2. To my knowledge, none of the other children ever poked fun at them for it.

YANBU. Not because I think tights on boys is
wrong (mine wore them in winter), but because presumably she’s aware she’s upsetting the child’s mother by doing so. This needs to be a partnership of trust, so the mother isn’t needlessly stressed.

Loved tights for that age on my boys. Loads easier than socks which seam to come off all the time. Then pull a pair of trousers on over the top to leave the house. I tended to get slightly larger ones then then the rights but covers the tummy and back so they stay toasty warm.

SW needs a speaking too if they think tights are undignified. Are socks undignified? Or vests?

Since your op was focused on it being undignified rather than him being hot I wonder if this is a communication issue.

If the FC thinks he's cold (and he may be in other environments to your relatives house) then she's right to ignore any superficial, sexist concerns like 'tights aren't boys clothing' and prioritise him being warm. I'd make sure the communication focuses specifically on him being too hot in them - and how you can tell that. That said, her house may be a lot colder than your relative's house so unless you know he's too hot before he leaves to go to your relative's house you still don't know she's actually doing anything wrong to dress him in them initially. If the transport is hotter than her house it may be just that he needs them taking off for the journey (personally I wear warmer clothes in my home than I do when out and about because at home I'm a lot more sedentary and get cold, but once I start walking I warm up quickly).

Also being 10°C isn't really that meaningful - what is he doing in the 10°C? Running around playing outside is going to require fewer clothes than e.g. standing waiting for a bus for 20mins or being pushed in a pushchair.

It’s really not that unusual for a toddler to be wearing tights under trousers. If he was as uncomfortable as mum makes out, then surely nursery staff will have noticed too but they clearly haven’t.

And 4 year olds won’t be bullying each other over this.

Your issue seems to be the concept of what you deem to be girls clothes. If it was a pair of long johns, would you still object?

Four is not a toddler or a nine month old. It's very different. It's not appropriate for him to be in tights. I hope this can be changed.

I would ask for this to be raised with the foster carer's supervising social worker, she should be respecting the wishes of mum in this situation. Especially if the child is clearly uncomfortable. You've also mentioned that there is limited information being passed on from the FC, I would also raise this. Raise it at the next LAC review as well so the reviewing officer is aware. Is the child under a care order or section 20?

I wonder if the FC is putting him in tights due to the nappy, either way, not appropriate, and parents wishes as much as possible should be considered and respected if able to and reasonable, which in this respect they are.

Gently, @TotoroElla , I suspect that if your nephew's foster carer did start putting your nephew in socks there would be something else for your sister to concentrate herself on wrt the way her son is being cared for.
It sounds like a very difficult situation, I can't imagine how painful it would be if I couldn't be my son's primary carer.
I think it's a shame your nephew's social worker has responded in the way she has. It's not appropriate for social workers to attempt to micromanage the day to day care of little ones in foster care. And her reasoning is quite spurious.
I think you need to support your sister, remind her that she knows her son like noone else can, and she has a relationship with him that noone else does. But for now you need to trust that his foster carer also has his wellbeing at heart. She will do things differently, and that has to be ok for now.