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Original poster

To think she shouldn't put him in tights?

635 replies

TotoroElla · 23/02/2024 23:01

Just trying to understand and find a way forward.

A family member's little boy is in foster care currently. He is 4 yo. The FC keeps putting him in tights. His mum is getting upset with it and doesn't understand why she keeps doing it. She has asked for her to stop and the SW has asked her to stop too. Mum doesn't feel it is very dignified for him to be at nursery wearing what is culturally a girls' clothes item. He was getting so hot in them the other day as of course he has trousers over them.

Can anyone shed any light as to why she is doing this or what his mum can do about it?

OP posts:
Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:05

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:02

Not to mention he's in foster care, so maybe the mother should be concerned about that rather than the poor foster parent who's obviously doing her best trying to look after her child!

Can you read?

The kid is in foster care because THE MOTHER HAS CANCER AND IS HAVING TREATMENT TO SAVE HER LIFE.

The dad isn’t on the scene and the only family the mum has is the op who can’t take in the child because she has 2 disabled children of her own.

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 10:04

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 10:02

Could you explain how she could have stopped getting cancer in order to prevent him going into FC?

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That’s heartbreaking.

It just shows how you shouldn’t assume.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 24/02/2024 10:03

Why is the FC ignoring the instruction from SW? That’s the biggest issue surely

BimBimBaloo · 24/02/2024 10:03

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 08:09

A section 20.

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Then 100% push for the Supervising social worker to take this up with the foster carer.

I'd there a reason why the child is with a foster carer and not with a kinship/ family and friends carer?

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:03

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

Absolutely!

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:02

Not to mention he's in foster care, so maybe the mother should be concerned about that rather than the poor foster parent who's obviously doing her best trying to look after her child!

amylou8 · 24/02/2024 10:02

With the threshold for taking a child into care being so high, I think mums energy would be best spent dealing with whatever resulted in this happening. Nit picking the FC just sounds like a deflection for her, in what I'm sure is a very upsetting and stressful time.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 10:02

Lumiodes · 24/02/2024 08:31

If the child has been taken into foster care then tights are the least of his problems. If Mum wants to decide what he wears then maybe don’t get him taken off you?

Could you explain how she could have stopped getting cancer in order to prevent him going into FC?

OP posts:
Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:02

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:01

Honestly if anyone thinks a four year old needs to conform to a stereotype of boy and girl they have serious issues they need to address. There is nothing wrong with a boy wearing tights ffs.

Read the thread ffs.

There are many things wrong with this situation.

FictionalCharacter · 24/02/2024 10:02

I'm astonished that so many people here are saying "it's fine, it's to keep him warm, lots of adults do this in cold weather when they're outdoors". The child isn't outdoors and the weather isn't cold.

I never put an extra layer under my son's trousers, he would have been boiling!
This carer sounds like someone who over dresses children, believing they'll be cold when they won't.

FabFebHalfTerm · 24/02/2024 10:02

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2024 04:08

Four is not a toddler or a nine month old. It's very different. It's not appropriate for him to be in tights. I hope this can be changed.

What???

what's 'not appropriate' about it because he's 4?? Plenty of adults wear a base layer in the winter, when it's cold.

The ONLY problem here is that he's indoors & not out in the cold. He's too bloody hot & he's uncomfortable.

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 10:01

Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 09:46

Indeed.

I am the owner of a long haired, sparkle loving, tight wearing small boy.

That’s fucking irrelevant though- the FC should be able to see she is not meeting the child’s needs, but given that she can’t she should follow the instructions from the mother and the SW.

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Agree with both of you.

Tatonka · 24/02/2024 10:01

Honestly if anyone thinks a four year old needs to conform to a stereotype of boy and girl they have serious issues they need to address. There is nothing wrong with a boy wearing tights ffs.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 10:01

JMSA · 24/02/2024 08:28

It seems a funny thing for mum to focus on, given the situation. I hope she feels better and able to have her son back soon Flowers

Couldn't anyone else in the family have had him, to save him going to a stranger?

I would think any mum would want to know there child was comfortable and not upset in these circumstances.

If there was someone he wouldn't be in FC. As I have said there's just me and I have 2 SEN DC already plus no space.

OP posts:
Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 10:00

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:53

Are you seriously criticising another poster for buying “boys tights” when your issue is that they are for girls?!

SMH.

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Are you seriously more interested in it being ok for boys to wear tights in principle than you are in the fact a distressed, disabled, vulnerable child is being made hot, uncomfortable and itchy because a FC thinks that they are above the directive from the mother, the sw and the advice from the nursery?!

Saltandpeppero · 24/02/2024 09:59

Grammarmum · 23/02/2024 23:26

Him being in foster care is irrelevant. If the child is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to wear them ,then he shouldn’t be forced to wear them.

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Exactly, the social worker has asked the FC to stop as well so they really should. No excuse for unnecessarily upsetting the bio parents.

OP, i used to work in social services and the only thing I’d advise them to do is go back to the supervising social worker about this. It may not be the end of the world in itself, but if it’s indicative of a wider pattern it suggests the FC is a bit into pushing boundaries and overstepping.

VampireWeekday · 24/02/2024 09:58

I would really really resist the narrative that female coded clothes are "undignified". Just because something is traditionally worn by women doesn't make it lesser. My 4 year old boy wears tights under trousers when it's cold, we call them thermals or leggings. There isn't anything undignified about it.

That said, if he's too warm he shouldn't be in them.

I think there isn't enough information to go on here. You need to find out why your family member is doing this, or it's all just speculation.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 09:58

Spirallingdownwards · 24/02/2024 08:27

I don't believe the SW has said she shouldn't. I think this is the OP's own sexist view and she thinks by saying the SW agrees it adds credence her story. I don't believe other toddlers make fun of him or even think of tights as girls clothes. I think it is the OP and the mum perpetuating sexist views and then at some stage it will turn into another anti trans Mn Thread.

Well, you can believe that all you like. And actually I've not said the SW agrees, I've said the SW was the one that raised the point about his dignity. And as I'm looking for advice I'd hardly make something up as then the advice would be useless!

But believe me some toddlers do think anything pink is for girls, princess cartoons are for girls, toy buggies are for girls. As I've already mentioned there was a boy that used to bother my DS like that. I won't mention my boy's beautiful long ringletted hair, then as it might interfere with your idea of us being sexist for wanting the best for the little boy.

And I'd love to know how you think this is going to turn into an anti-trans thread! You have given us a laugh this morning so thank you! 😂

OP posts:
MamaDollyorJesus · 24/02/2024 09:55

CaramelMac · 24/02/2024 07:57

I’d be questioning why the FC is buying him tights in the first place, surely his mum has provided enough clothes and you or she can buy more if they’re needed?

Of course it’s not usual for boys in the UK to wear tights, it doesn’t matter what people in other countries do, I’ve never seen tights for sale in the boys departments in any shops here. Yes some people may decide to put them on their own sons for whatever reason, but that is their own child who they can make that decision for and isn’t upsetting anyone else. If he’s cold then she should be putting thicker trousers on him, but in this country kids don’t need more than one layer of clothing unless it’s freezing weather or they’re outside in the wet in which case you can buy waterproof over trousers.

And if the mum has asked her to stop then she should stop. It’s not an unreasonable request the same as if she said please don’t dress him in character clothes, perhaps the FC thinks it’s a bonkers request but it wouldn’t take much effort to just do it to respect the mums wishes.

https://www2.hm.com/engb/productpage.0991245003.html?prr_oyster=hfrHQ3ku7Q&hierid=goocmp-12796663563adg-1265161232922ad-516052907671pla-14215310744533dev-mext--prd-en-0991245004010sig-Cj0KCQiAxOauBhCaARIsAEbUSQQVXf9cQXZeUcderEtC9vhpE2BpjmTwNdRKlRR8OZ1BwWA2GZoBwcaArpMEALwwwcB&utmsource=Google&gaddsource=1&gbraid=0AAAAADvrmzTKm4tz7FIcFCv-1UiD72r1a&gclid=Cj0KCQiAxOauBhCaARIsAEbUSQQVXf9cQXZeUcderEtC9vhpE2BpjmTwNdRKlR8OZ1BwwWA2GZoBwcaArpMEALw_wcB

Boys tights for sale in UK they go up to 6-8 years

CecilyP · 24/02/2024 09:53

Stravaig · 24/02/2024 09:03

It doesn't matter why he's in foster care, what matters is that he is, that's he's away from his family. Maybe he likes wearing tights, maybe they help him feel snug and secure and protected, like swaddling for a baby, or a blankie. Maybe that's what the carer has picked up on.

My point is focus on the important stuff, not stereotypical boys and girls clothing.

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Why would she pick up on that when the child wasn’t wearing tights when he went to her. This is not his norm! She has deliberately bought him tights and put them on him. Why?

Shamalar · 24/02/2024 09:53

TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 09:36

I think it says something you'd rather a DC be uncomfortable rather than horror of horrors take their socks off? And interesting you think boys need particular 'boy' colour tights.

Are you telling me if you were extremely ill with cancer and couldn't look after your own DC and noticed they were uncomfortable in the clothes they were put in - you'd say nothing?

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Are you seriously criticising another poster for buying “boys tights” when your issue is that they are for girls?!

SMH.

Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 09:49

Sugargliderwombat · 24/02/2024 08:25

I know some Asian families in our school community layer up their little ones, we get lots of 4-5 year olds wearing little long John's and roll neck tops well into the summer. Is she from a warmer country originally? I wonder if she just feels the cold and then is worried that he is too.

Perhaps she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotoroElla · 24/02/2024 09:48

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 24/02/2024 08:22

You and his mother need to make this very clear when talking to social workers. This isn’t about what’s dignified or the worry that other kids could potentially realise and could potentially mock him for it. That’s too much speculation, too much “could”, “might” etc. A bit of a storm in a tea cup tbh.

The boy being uncomfortable and too hot is relevant.
Itchy skin, red spots etc. are as well.

Mentioning this to SW and expecting the FC to be mindful of this - especially important in the case of a mostly non-verbal child - would be best (imo).

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I agree. But it was the SW that brought up the point about his dignity not us.

OP posts:
GanninHyem · 24/02/2024 09:48

Does mum have Comms with nursery? It seems very strange you're both aware he is hot all day or they take his tights off but they're not communicating this with the FC?

Theresstilltonighttocome · 24/02/2024 09:46

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 24/02/2024 09:38

My little boy used to wear tights and it was adorable.

The red flag is the FC not doing as the SW asked though. I thought the foster carer was obliged to follow the social worker’s directives 🤔

Indeed.

I am the owner of a long haired, sparkle loving, tight wearing small boy.

That’s fucking irrelevant though- the FC should be able to see she is not meeting the child’s needs, but given that she can’t she should follow the instructions from the mother and the SW.

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